It's been a while. It has sunk it that the cancer responded to the treatment. My mind gleefully runs off to create the next chapter in life and therein is a run-in with logistics. There are a few key uncertainties. Ordinarily, I would realize and embrace the "to be revealed" or tbr quality of not knowing what is next, really. But somehow, feeling like I was at the exit gate has me not wanting to dilly-dally. And yet, the truth is, any exit from life in CNY will entail a whole lot of purging and focused work. My notions of the post cancer chapter involve travel and fun, work, and relocation. My limited energy must be spent accomplishing some aspect of the departure often in order to accomplish getting out of B'ville. And, I feel like I began again today.
Make that yesterday, for it is an early am wake up session I find myself writing from within. For the third morning in a row, I awoke at approximately 4:20 am. I find no humor in it. This time I got up to see if I could see any of the meteor shower. Given how easily I get cold, this was a well thought out decision. In other words, I laid in bed thinking about the pros and cons before I actually made it out of bed. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and hat and slipped on my leather coat. I didn't use lighting in the house. I went onto the deck and stood there until I finally saw one. My conclusion is there was already too much light in the sky from the dawning of the day and from the suburban location I am in. Shucks. But, I did see one long streamer of a shooting star.
The sun has since risen. I will tire myself back to sleep. I have been getting ample rest, albeit broken up with this wee hour wake up. I have no idea if chemo has impacted my sleep pattern. I have been able to blame it for a few other symptoms. My stamina is down, for example. I accept it and plan for it's growth. I was laying here thinking about taping my handlebars and riding my bike. Even if I have to get off and push it up the hills for a week, I will be able to climb again. I know that I get a great feeling of freedom on my bike and hope to use it as a great means out of what feels like lethargy. I also think about how happy I will be to begin yoga again as a regular attendee. I know how quickly I will regain the good that comes from yoga. I tried to go back to practice only one time since beginning chemo. I was happy with my practice that day, although I could no longer keep up. But I went on to cut my thumb and that took me right out of yoga. With my life so focused around chemo, I made the conscious decision to wait to go until I could go regularly and that will be very soon.
I look ahead to next week now in a different way. I spent some time redoing part of my cancer circle calender last night. I think few look at it, perhaps fewer than read this blog. My strong desire is to end this chapter of chemo with ample help. I know what a difference it makes to be able to ask for a drink, to know the dog is fed, to have food brought to my bedside. And I want to feel like this time, I will be able to be as I was the first chemo round: cared for. I am unsure the calender has been that useful a tool. It feels contrived. Those closest to me should not have to sign in and sign up to come and help me through my tough time. I'm obviously unclear on how it feels to be others. I only know that this has been my biggest time of need in my life. I do not feel I have done well at asking for help. There have been offers that have not manifested into action, people sometimes called when I was asleep and then one thing led to another and I did not return the calls, there have been people who have called on a day I feel a bit better and I do not chose to trouble them into showing up, sometimes, in part, because I do not know them well at all and feel funny about it, and there have been days I hoped someone would call and show up, but I have laid alone. The post chemo times have been those I have fallen to tears the most.
Anticipation about next week is high. The last chemo. This feels big. I know it will be an impacting one in many ways. It is the send off of the chapter I have been in since November.
I am tiring. I will be able to get back to sleep for a few hours. I hope the sunny warm day ahead is filled with joy. I have a few key things scheduled...and one is an outdoor adventure in the sunshine. I know that the many questions that fill my head and are likely behind these wake up sessions need to be put forth on the table of discussion with those who are intertwined in my life. I have been really trying on the notion of setting the way back machine up and embracing a nomadic lifestyle for a while. A year of traveling around, visiting old friends, seeing beautiful places I have wanted to see, living with eyes open wide, taking in newness...feels like the right step to take...and tbr feels like the only way to end this and get back to sleep.
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