I have some sunshine in my heart, but as far as the weather here goes, it is more of the same...deep gloom and rain with temperature around 40. I'm not going anywhere today, so that helps...maybe. I did not sleep well and have made further realizations about the treatment path I am on.
I chose not to take the two standby drugs this time, as an experiment of sorts on the one hand, and because I did not feel any need to. But, it is clear that the steroids I take the night before chemo and I am then infused with before the actual drip of the chemo chems, have a very amphetamine quality to them. I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. I was up hourly, without exception, having to pee. That is a good thing, because elimination is vital. But it meant very interrupted rest at best. I was thinking about different life situations from the groggy place I awoke to. And I began to internalize the big lesson that Rita read to me while I was infusing on Tuesday: these are thoughts...let them go.
I have continued to think that I have a big life lesson in this chapter that I have not yet fully realized. I know that not worrying and fretting is a part of it, but I have not seemed able to know what tools to use to really learn this...to implement it, that is, to be able to let go of such a useless pattern. And Rita read aloud from a book I own the other day and it seems I heard something of a pearl there. So, I shall continue to treat thoughts as thoughts and practice letting them flow and go. Amen.
I have made some macaroni and cheese and broccoli. Why that appealed to me is irrelevant. I wanted it, had the ingredients and am now eating it. It is the first meal of the day at just after 3 pm. I am having a not-so-great and not-so-bad (might as well say that) Friday and that seems not much different than other Friday's of treatment week. It is clear that ideally, I would be waited on...would be able to lay in bed as desired, but I am grateful that I am ok enough to get up and take care of me, albeit slowly. With two more scheduled chemo treatments ahead, I am going to get through this no matter what. But I shall try to get some self-coverage that has been absent on these two difficult days post chemo. I imagine there will be some blood count shift for not taking the Neulasta shot and that there is likelihood I will need to the next two times. I now know that it is better without, but there has definitely been some aching and bone pain despite no shot! I had not thought that likely. I can only hope it will be warmer...perhaps sunny next time, but here in CNY, there is not even a great probability for that. This area typically doesn't have much sunshine and the effect of lack of sunshine is real. I can ship the thought off and focus on positives, but the lacking sun is a real element. As I think about what my dreams or desires are the for remainder of my life, weather patterns have a place in the dreama-schema. However, as I handle my separation from my dearest one right now, the vital role of nurturing, kindness and love as a foundation in my life is readily apparent. As is always the case in life, what is next is to be revealed...and now is all there is.
It is hours later and I am inclined to add: I have felt progressively worse as the day went on. I am unable to find the vital papers I received for tax filing. I have checked everywhere I can think of. The last time I saw them was last Friday evening. I am about to go to bed and get up early to try searching again. This is a problem that needs resolving pronto. All of my paperwork is organized. I cannot imagine why I would have separated the necessary documents from the other docs I was gathering.
My port site has been with painful sensations this evening and my head is sweating. I still feel swollen. I am tired and truly hoping to get to really rest.
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