I yielded to temptation and pushed my tax spreadsheet aside to put energy into nurturing on Friday. My bf was with me through the full weekend that included a dinner with family I seldom see, viewing SU's Final Four defeat, breakfast in bed, yard work and more. Rita, a dear friend of many years arrived last night to come to my aid. We enjoyed conversation all morning and through the afternoon before embarking on an outing to the health food store and Chittenango Falls. I am most grateful that she bought me key supplements that I had run out of or was about to run out of along with nutritious foods. We picked up Ed who joined us to the outing to the falls...where we hiked off the trails and enjoyed being out in nature on a day that seemed springlike. There is no question my overall energy levels are down. Simple short hikes such as today's take more out of me than ever and it saddens me each time I realize further decline. I know to push on and accept where I am at and give thanks things are going as well as they are. The hike was followed by a back roads quick tour through the countryside to Fayetteville for Ed's treat of dinner. I chose my standby vegetarian middle eastern food which was absolutely delicious. Ed had announced he has decided to depart on an eleven day train trip tomorrow eve, so a stop at the adjacent TJMaxx for him to find a travel pillow followed dinner. Rita enjoyed finding some good deals on great items, Ed found his pillow, and I struggled my way out of the store empty handed.
After dropping off Ed, I began to ponder the sea of confusion that had come over me. I'm doing some internal wrestling to sift to the core of what is sitting so difficult with me. I find myself vulnerably wondering how I will make everything work out this week and next. I'm scared walking into tomorrows chemo because of how poorly the last one went. I know I will live through whatever difficulties are ahead, but it is still disconcerting. Next Tuesday morning, I have a PET scan appointment that I cannot drive myself home from. This is an unmet need. I discussed with my counselor and cancer survivors how damn difficult it is to go through something as big as six rounds of big-guns-chemo living alone. The hope this time is that not having the Nuelasta shot will mean no bone pain and thus an easier time of it. The flip side is foregoing the shot will leave me more susceptible to germs' destructiveness and I will need to be even more careful than I have been willing to be. My fears are centered on the lingering nausea I endured last time and the known reality that the chemo is cumulatively building and that this time is likely to be worse. And the person who has been willing to help me during the second and third rounds and who provides me the nurturing and love I know to be vital is stepping out for the next eleven days. I know I am strong and must become stronger now. I'll be grateful for collective prayers that I will do well, and accept what is with grace and dignity, wits and that fortified strength.
Rita will be with me through Thursday morning. Hugely great. One local friend has notified me that she will call and be able to come after work Thursday and Friday should I need help or anything brought to me. I must be ready to go to my taxes appointment on Saturday morning, no matter what. I have a few errands I did not make a priority that I now realize I will need to figure out. I feel myself already falling into some vulnerable, pitiful headspace, aware that the test is on for me...
But to bring it all back to gratitude and away from fear or sadness, in today's mail that I came home to, I received a check from a dear friend in Humboldt, a second donation from another dear friend in Humboldt came via Paypal's email yesterday, and an additional donation from Rita was handed to me upon getting home this evening. The financial help I've received from my friends has in a real way been key. It is a demonstration of compassion and understanding, of care and love. Each time I receive help, a bit of the huge burden is whittled away. My share of the surgery and chemo costs is coming due and the ongoing weekly Vitamin C infusion payments are due at the time of services. Difficult is such an understatement of how it feels. Yet bit by bit, what is needed is being received and used to get through this finite chapter of getting to the remission side of stage IV ovarian cancer.
I believe the lessons I am learning and the contemplation I work through regularly are shifting how I will live the rest of my life. I will take time to really get to the core of what my current hurt is really about and force myself to work past it. I hope the energy spent on that propels me to inner peace and that I will know what actions are best and right. Amen.
Love you. Hug to Rita. Hang in....
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