This morning I was up earlier than necessary. I slept ok, but not quite long enough. I readied for the appointment by dressing and getting the dog fresh water, scrubbing his food bowl and filling it. I drank some San Pellegrino water, too. Ricky and Ann Marie picked me up at the scheduled time. They dropped me off. I filled out forms designed to protect the imaging center and completed the intake process with a band around my right wrist identifying me.
When I was called, I noted an oddity that I couldn't quite identify about the woman who came. She was callous in her mannerisms. She did not inspire confidence, and I hoped she would not be the one who would be dealing with me. But she was. She informed me that I would not be accessed through the port and cited the radioactive material would stick to the tubing in me. I said, "Oh, No thank you!" and she said I was funny. Hmm...that was not even designed to be a funny comment.
When she tightened the tourniquet on my arm I silently asked that it go well, Well, she missed. She poked around with the needle and as she did so, it hurt. I winced. She apologized, and tried probing around from within again, to no avail. I made a moaning "owww" sound and she screamed out a colleagues name. When the woman arrived at the door, she asked "is she giving you a hard time?" referring to me and the bruiser said "yes"...talk about displacing your incompetences...victimizing the victim...right about then, as she continued to probe sideways from within, she said "I got it!" and she had. Next, and quickly, she inserted a tube of saline and pushed it through and not long thereafter she was screwing a tube of yellow substance into the end of the line in me and as she screwed, she was again hurting me. At this point, I was beginning to sob. I wish the process did not put me through pain. But, it did, It was. And is seemed prolonged. Her attitude and demeanor were not at all helpful.
As soon as she had inserted a total of three tubes of materials, at least some of which were radioactive material designed to leach out of me all day, she escorted me to a restroom. After I peed, she escorted me into a room darkened and instructed me to sit down. I was sobbing again, her very presence was difficult for me. She pushed the recliner back and asked if I wanted a warm blanket. No brainer..."yes, please"...and as soon as the blanket was on me, she said, see you in an hour and shut the door.
At first I felt the sensations in me. It is odd. You do feel an effect as the fluid mixes in your body chemistry. I used a tissue, finished sobbing and put it down. I closed my eyes. I began to doze. I dozed in and out, with some dreams I cannot recall occurring and ending in a daze. At the point it had been an hour, another woman came and asked me to come with her.
I walked across the hall and as instructed, I laid upon the table, I put my hands above my head as she asked, careful not to catch the taped on IV on anything. After I was as she had asked me to be, she asked if my bra had any metal in it. I thought. No underwire...but oh...wait, yes the hooks are metal. She told me that for the CAT scan, there could be no metal and asked that I remove the bra. It turned out to be tricky to do so with a shirt and sweater on and the taped IV. So, I had to removed the sweater, which was deemd to have a small amount of metal on a button, part of the shirt, and finally the bra. The woman took the sweater and bra. It was then time to get repositioned. A prescan confirmed whatever was necessary to confirm and then the woman had me hold my arm with the IV up in a very uncomfortable way while she went and got someone else. That made little sense, but I complied. As she walked away I began to question the strangeness of the entire appointment the entire time. But, very soon she was back and screwing a tube of contrast material into my IV and then she told me to hold very still and be ready to go into the machine. She said to let her know if it hurt while going in and then began the process of injecting it into the IV. I began to feel the sensations I have had before during a CT scan...the feeling like I am wetting myself, the warm sensations and other sensations within. I'm unsure how many minutes it took, but in a relatively short amount of time, the scan was concluded.
She removed the tubing that was linked to a machine that inserted a prescribed dose. I was free of that and ready for the PET scan. That simply involved hands over head and complete stillness. I was getting very chilly, but knew to go with the flow. Still I was. And it took about 15 minutes of stillness while the gurney I rested on shifted up and down the track and into the machine where various noises were occurring.
When enough imagery was gathered, she instructed me to sit up and next to stand up. She handed me my bra, sweater, water and she brought purse and jacket to the bathroom where I dressed. I walked to the waiting room where my sister was sitting. We exited and Ricky picked us up as we exited to the sidewalk. We talked some enroute to my house. I am glad to have the scans over.
I think my tolerance for getting hurt by others while doing all that is required to become cancer free is down considerably. It used to be easier when such things happened. I am raw now. Vulnerably raw. I am paying a price in many ways to get on the other side of cancer. And, of course, it is worth it.
For a moment I wandered to the distant Pacific Ocean. I just got a pic from the SF shore on my phone. Ah. I tell myself, "you will go to the oceanside one day in the not too distant future. Perhaps the Atlantic sooner. I shall rejoice.
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