Vitamin C Infusion

Yesterday was sunny and warm enough that I was out in a short-sleeved shirt! It's sure been a long time coming. I also went on a three mile walk around Beaver Lake with Ed. I had to stop and rest at every bench, but it was a good achievement on a very good day.

Today has been one of doings on the phone. My dog, Trooper, has infections again. I've been soaking his feet in epsom salt water daily amongst other things, but with his toenails overgrown, he appears in need of antibiotics...again. Not gonna get into his health history, but it is sadly riddled with episode upon episode of problems. His phobia about getting his nails cut plays in...and since he is turning ten next month, it seems unlikely much will change. But, I will go get him a script of antibiotics and hope his pads are better by the time he goes to a new groomer for a pedicure Saturday morning.

I'm writing from a vitamin c infusion. I've lost count of how many I have had. I am certain they have played a positive role in my treatment, but will never be able to single it out. I see a transferable lesson...I cannot know precisely what brought cancer into my body. It would have killed me had I not discovered it via pain...and sought high quality treatment. Now I know the cancer has responded to treatment, but cannot know to what degree the components have led to that outcome. I know I have been the recipient of a great many prayers and well-wishes. I have also paid $200 for each weekly high dose vitamin c infusion. I have taken many supplements known to be helpful. And of course, I have had infusions of Chemo every three weeks. Meanwhile, I have been as positive and faithful as possible daily. There is no way to measure the percentage each component has had in the outcome. And in life, there is no way to measure roles in life and their outcomes, either.

The clouds are thickening outside. I have seen a very large bird of prey in the distance. I am about 40 minutes from being done. My next infusion, next Tuesday, is the last chemo!!! I feel ready. Thereafter I shall get vitamin c at least a month before saying goodby to a long drive to the Community General branch of Hematology Oncology. I have been devoted to myself and my treatment with the goal of living and carrying forth some of my dreams. I am thinking about such dreams now and imaging making them so. I see more joy ahead. And the gratitude I feel pools up and flows as tears from time to time.

Wee hour wake ups, time to wonder

It's been a while. It has sunk it that the cancer responded to the treatment. My mind gleefully runs off to create the next chapter in life and therein is a run-in with logistics. There are a few key uncertainties. Ordinarily, I would realize and embrace the "to be revealed" or tbr quality of not knowing what is next, really. But somehow, feeling like I was at the exit gate has me not wanting to dilly-dally. And yet, the truth is, any exit from life in CNY will entail a whole lot of purging and focused work. My notions of the post cancer chapter involve travel and fun, work, and relocation. My limited energy must be spent accomplishing some aspect of the departure often in order to accomplish getting out of B'ville. And, I feel like I began again today.

Make that yesterday, for it is an early am wake up session I find myself writing from within. For the third morning in a row, I awoke at approximately 4:20 am. I find no humor in it. This time I got up to see if I could see any of the meteor shower. Given how easily I get cold, this was a well thought out decision. In other words, I laid in bed thinking about the pros and cons before I actually made it out of bed. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and hat and slipped on my leather coat. I didn't use lighting in the house. I went onto the deck and stood there until I finally saw one. My conclusion is there was already too much light in the sky from the dawning of the day and from the suburban location I am in. Shucks. But, I did see one long streamer of a shooting star.

The sun has since risen. I will tire myself back to sleep. I have been getting ample rest, albeit broken up with this wee hour wake up. I have no idea if chemo has impacted my sleep pattern. I have been able to blame it for a few other symptoms. My stamina is down, for example. I accept it and plan for it's growth. I was laying here thinking about taping my handlebars and riding my bike. Even if I have to get off and push it up the hills for a week, I will be able to climb again. I know that I get a great feeling of freedom on my bike and hope to use it as a great means out of what feels like lethargy. I also think about how happy I will be to begin yoga again as a regular attendee. I know how quickly I will regain the good that comes from yoga. I tried to go back to practice only one time since beginning chemo. I was happy with my practice that day, although I could no longer keep up. But I went on to cut my thumb and that took me right out of yoga. With my life so focused around chemo, I made the conscious decision to wait to go until I could go regularly and that will be very soon.

I look ahead to next week now in a different way. I spent some time redoing part of my cancer circle calender last night. I think few look at it, perhaps fewer than read this blog. My strong desire is to end this chapter of chemo with ample help. I know what a difference it makes to be able to ask for a drink, to know the dog is fed, to have food brought to my bedside. And I want to feel like this time, I will be able to be as I was the first chemo round: cared for. I am unsure the calender has been that useful a tool. It feels contrived. Those closest to me should not have to sign in and sign up to come and help me through my tough time. I'm obviously unclear on how it feels to be others. I only know that this has been my biggest time of need in my life. I do not feel I have done well at asking for help. There have been offers that have not manifested into action, people sometimes called when I was asleep and then one thing led to another and I did not return the calls, there have been people who have called on a day I feel a bit better and I do not chose to trouble them into showing up, sometimes, in part, because I do not know them well at all and feel funny about it, and there have been days I hoped someone would call and show up, but I have laid alone. The post chemo times have been those I have fallen to tears the most.

Anticipation about next week is high. The last chemo. This feels big. I know it will be an impacting one in many ways. It is the send off of the chapter I have been in since November.

I am tiring. I will be able to get back to sleep for a few hours. I hope the sunny warm day ahead is filled with joy. I have a few key things scheduled...and one is an outdoor adventure in the sunshine. I know that the many questions that fill my head and are likely behind these wake up sessions need to be put forth on the table of discussion with those who are intertwined in my life. I have been really trying on the notion of setting the way back machine up and embracing a nomadic lifestyle for a while. A year of traveling around, visiting old friends, seeing beautiful places I have wanted to see, living with eyes open wide, taking in newness...feels like the right step to take...and tbr feels like the only way to end this and get back to sleep.

BIG BEST-CASE-SCENARIO NEWS!

Today's appointment with Dr. Puc went as best as could be imagined. She came in with a glow about her with the PET and CT scan results in print. She asked a few questions and launched into the results. At a point, instead of paraphrasing, she began to read. The thesis statement of the report: "There has been a complete response to therapy. There are no longer PET positive lesions."

It went into details about the tumors of late January, their sizes and in each case the sentence ended in "no longer present." There were tumors on the colon, spleen, liver and abdominal area seven weeks after surgery. Now, I am essentially cancer free. But, there is a chance there are microscopic bits and that is why I will do one more round of chemo. Insurance of sorts.

Dr. Puc and I discussed what to do next. She said typically after a PET result like mine, which she went on to say is not all that common with Stage IV cancer, they would recommend two more rounds of chemo. I brought up the fact that my CA-125 number was in normal range after the second chemo, and that had we done a PET sooner, the results would likely have been the same. Therefore, I wondered if we could safely conclude I have done at least one more round already. I asked the doctor if she would put herself in my shoes and tell me what she would do if she were me, and I pointed out that this round is still effecting me over a week later and the next is likely to be worse. She said if she were me, she would do one more round. She also said she would scale the round back 10%. So that is the plan. My last chemo is April 30. I will then continue with Vitamin C into May as can be afforded.

I asked about getting the port removed. She said no. She said that will stay in...and seemed to indicate it may need to be used again. The thing that I know to be noteworthy in my situation is that Dr. Puc is not a gynecological cancer specialist. She is an integrative oncologist, which is what I wanted. She has consistently looked at the whole picture and again today pointed out how my positive attitude has been vital. Dr. Puc seems delighted and surprised at my outcome, but my surgeon who is an ovarian cancer specialist stated she would be very surprised if I were not in remission after treatment. Dr. Brown at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, another ovarian cancer specialist, said that ovarian cancer responds very well to the two-chemo-combo I have now completed four rounds of. Knowing these experts had stated this to me,  I truly always believed the cancer would respond to treatment. Back to the port...I'm ok leaving it for a while. They will be drawing blood monthly to check the CA-125 markers. The port simplifies blood draws. But, I believe, whole-heartedly that I will not need it for further chemo treatments. I am not gonna let cancer get back in me. My body is not gonna be a hostess anymore. That's me taking a stand, just like I took one to embrace therapy and to do so with as much grace as possible. I will admit, I cried more than I thought I would, given I really went into this knowing the importance of positivity. I cried when I felt unable to do for me and like I had to ask and hope for what would have seemed to me at the time to have been karmic-turnabout to have just received what I needed. I cried over agonizing bone pain, I cried over simple misunderstandings, I cried feeling woe is me. But, it sure wasn't the majority of the time or anything close to that. So, I cut myself slack and wonder if just about anyone might have cried that much anyhow.

But...whooooo-hooo...I am grateful and happy and thinking about how I would like to start making some plans about what is next!

PET scan & CT scan with contrast

This morning I was up earlier than necessary. I slept ok, but not quite long enough. I readied for the appointment by dressing and getting the dog fresh water, scrubbing his food bowl and filling it. I drank some San Pellegrino water, too. Ricky and Ann Marie picked me up at the scheduled time. They dropped me off. I filled out forms designed to protect the imaging center and completed the intake process with a band around my right wrist identifying me.

When I was called, I noted an oddity that I couldn't quite identify about the woman who came. She was callous in her mannerisms. She did not inspire confidence, and I hoped she would not be the one who would be dealing with me. But she was. She informed me that I would not be accessed through the port and cited the radioactive material would stick to the tubing in me. I said,  "Oh, No thank you!" and she said I was funny. Hmm...that was not even designed to be a funny comment.

When she tightened the tourniquet on my arm I silently asked that it go well, Well, she missed. She poked around with the needle and as she did so, it hurt. I winced. She apologized, and tried probing around from within again, to no avail. I made a moaning "owww" sound and she screamed out a colleagues name. When the woman arrived at the door, she asked "is she giving you a hard time?" referring to me and the bruiser said "yes"...talk about displacing your incompetences...victimizing the victim...right about then, as she continued to probe sideways from within, she said "I got it!" and she had. Next, and quickly, she inserted a tube of saline and pushed it through and not long thereafter she was screwing a tube of yellow substance into the end of the line in me and as she screwed, she was again hurting me. At this point, I was beginning to sob. I wish the process did not put me through pain. But, it did, It was. And is seemed prolonged. Her attitude and demeanor were not at all helpful.

As soon as she had inserted a total of three tubes of materials, at least some of which were radioactive material designed to leach out of me all day, she escorted me to a restroom. After I peed, she escorted me into a room darkened and instructed me to sit down. I was sobbing again, her very presence was difficult for me. She pushed the recliner back and asked if I wanted a warm blanket. No brainer..."yes, please"...and as soon as the blanket was on me, she said, see you in an hour and shut the door.

At first I felt the sensations in me. It is odd. You do feel an effect as the fluid mixes in your body chemistry. I used a tissue, finished sobbing and put it down. I closed my eyes. I began to doze. I dozed in and out, with some dreams I cannot recall occurring and ending in a daze. At the point it had been an hour, another woman came and asked me to come with her.

I walked across the hall and as instructed, I laid upon the table, I put my hands above my head as she asked, careful not to catch the taped on IV on anything. After I was as she had asked me to be, she asked if my bra had any metal in it. I thought. No underwire...but oh...wait, yes the hooks are metal. She told me that for the CAT scan, there could be no metal and asked that I remove the bra. It turned out to be tricky to do so with a shirt and sweater on and the taped IV. So, I had to removed the sweater, which was deemd to have a small amount of metal on a button, part of the shirt, and finally the bra. The woman took the sweater and bra. It was then time to get repositioned. A prescan confirmed whatever was necessary to confirm and then the woman had me hold my arm with the IV up in a very uncomfortable way while she went and got someone else. That made little sense, but I complied. As she walked away I began to question the strangeness of the entire appointment the entire time. But, very soon she was back and screwing a tube of contrast material into my IV and then she told me to hold very still and be ready to go into the machine. She said to let her know if it hurt while going in and then began the process of injecting it into the IV. I began to feel the sensations I have had before during a CT scan...the feeling like I am wetting myself, the warm sensations and other sensations within. I'm unsure how many minutes it took, but in a relatively short amount of time, the scan was concluded.

She removed the tubing that was linked to a machine that inserted a prescribed dose. I was free of that and ready for the PET scan. That simply involved hands over head and complete stillness. I was getting very chilly, but knew to go with the flow. Still I was. And it took about 15 minutes of stillness while the gurney I rested on shifted up and down the track and into the machine where various noises were occurring.

When enough imagery was gathered, she instructed me to sit up and next to stand up. She handed me my bra, sweater, water and she brought purse and jacket to the bathroom where I dressed. I walked to the waiting room where my sister was sitting. We exited and Ricky picked us up as we exited to the sidewalk. We talked some enroute to my house. I am glad to have the scans over.

I think my tolerance for getting hurt by others while doing all that is required to become cancer free is down considerably. It used to be easier when such things happened. I am raw now. Vulnerably raw. I am paying a price in many ways to get on the other side of cancer. And, of course, it is worth it.

For a moment I wandered to the distant Pacific Ocean. I just got a pic from the SF shore on my phone. Ah. I tell myself, "you will go to the oceanside one day in the not too distant future. Perhaps the Atlantic sooner. I shall rejoice.

Monday thoughts...

Another day...and the sun was out. I got a return call from the acupuncturist who I hope can set herself up to be a Cancer Connects provider. I highly respect Caroline's work and have been thinking that I need to see her. As it gets tougher, I turn to the resources I have access to. I received two vouchers for acupuncturist treatment. Of the two providers on the list, one was no longer in business. Thus I got active and tried to see if the provider I know might be willing to be on the list to accept clients at the reduced fee. And, she is! Caroline is going to call the person whose name I gave her and give the relevant info to become a provider who can accept the vouchers. I hope the process is not too grand and that I will be able to get one of my treatments sometime in the next month.

I addition, I finally spoke up about the nurse whose port accessing has left me hurting. I sent an email to my nurse and heard back via phonecall. I will no longer have to deal with the nurse. I feel relieved. I still hurt and it is very black and blue.

I also called about a medical bill and discovered that even if that provider has billed and received compensation from my insurance for other such services, they do not necessarily put the two together. So I had the full bill and have now given them insurance info (they already had). This will no longer be in my "medical bills" folder.

I am now in prep for the PET scan mode. I will soon eat my delicious organic salad with cheese and vinegar and oil. I can have no carbs at all until after the scan. I will be drinking water only. And, Patti and I spoke and she went to buy me some water. I will be radioactive tomorrow and will need to drink plenty of water to flush it out of me. I cannot even fret over such matters. I have to do it...so I do. I will write more about the PET scan tomorrow.

It has been a day of talking to those who matter and are far away. I spoke to Candice as she drove from Marin to Highway One near Pacifica. I went over the Golden Gate with her, learned of current tolls and more. It was wonderful, in its way, to know where she was as she made her way to her appointment, and to feel I was there in a sense.

Next I spoke at length to Dawn. She provided good insight to me...she knows me well and knows the things I struggle with. We went over a few deep topics...and here it is hours later and in Boston, there has been a tragic bombing event with casualties. Her oldest daughter is a nurse there and is on the volunteer list at MGH. Amazing how swiftly in life something unexpected can happen and life can be different thereafter. Many will have that as their reality post tragedy. I think of such things on a daily basis. Not tragedies, per se, but just sudden shifts that mean that what you were comfortable with no longer is. Argh. Like you just don't know when you say goodbye to someone if you will or will not see them again. Fascinating and true. Difficult yet part of living.

Later, I spoke to Ed, who is in my favorite city, The City by the Bay. Some of today's realizations have left me sad and confused. My attention has gone to choices and timing in life. And how when two people are involved with another, in a caring, loving, sharing way, the actions of one will effect the other, whether intended or not. It is respectful to understand that when you are close, your actions effect the other and to seek feedback in order to circumvent hurtful impacts when they are at all foreseeable. Giving someone who will be impacted by your choices a chance to express their feelings confirms that they matter.

This is clearly a time like no other. I have a lot of time to reflect, self-reflect and to come to terms with my own needs and desires. Often, I do so while enduring pain and discomfort. I painfully feel what is lacking, while purposefully focusing on the positive and the gifts. I am grateful daily, with good reason.

It's time for salad and to go get my water and ready for tomorrow. I expect that I will be done with the scan series and home by noon. I will be cleansing with water all day. And the next day will be a big day....I will go into my appointment with Dr. Puc, alone, to find out what I expect to be good news. And I need to figure out why being alone has become so difficult while going through the chapter of gaining access to more life.

Sunday...after I slept well...the sun came out today...

Last night Patti came over. It was a great visit. I felt lousy. Really. After her arrival, we jointly heated some pecans in a skillet, added organic apples and cinnamon and closed the lid...let it bake. I took ill in the middle of the yummy idea and had to go sit down. The result was the realization that taking an anti nausea med, something for the joint pain which had become agonizing, and ativan to be able to rest was the best thing to do to ensure a good nights rest. After I took all of the above, with some encouragement from Patti, I got ready for bed. And Patti tucked me in. Being tucked into my bed is one of my favorite things, especially when I don't feel well. I got tucked in and Patti locked the door on her way out. I don't think it took long to fall asleep. And I only got up once to pee. Beyond that, I slept several hours. The start of a turn-around, I think.

When I got up, I opened curtains and a peek of sun was out. It went away. But some hours later, it came out. I didn't feel well enough to go out and walk as I had wanted, but I think that may be possible tomorrow. Today I sat around watching movies offered on Starz for free this weekend. I got through the day and sometimes, that's all there is. Getting through. I feel better, but not yet strong. Better is better.

I find myself watching other people's travels today on fbook and when I get a picture share from a traveler. It is admittedly difficult because I so wish I could be elsewhere, on an adventure. But I do not begrudge those who are out living. One day soon, I will be done with treatment and will be able to move past this chapter. I expect to make some changes and to prioritize wisely. I will have had plenty of time to think about such matters...as in that is what I do now. I think about what matters most, how to know when I am kidding myself, how to remain hopeful but not be foolish...and how to know when to let go of the past and create the future. This house is likely to become the past. It has facilitated my stay here in CNY. It has been a good place for me to safely live a CNY life. It costs almost $500 a month to pay taxes and insurance to be here. Those monies are never recouped. They are simply the cost of life here. And that is a lot of money to spend...before buying necessities such as food and beverage and heating and cooling.

Friday, gloomy Friday...

I have some sunshine in  my heart, but as far as the weather here goes, it is more of the same...deep gloom and rain with temperature around 40. I'm not going anywhere today, so that helps...maybe. I did not sleep well and have made further realizations about the treatment path I am on.

I chose not to take the two standby drugs this time, as an experiment of sorts on the one hand, and because I did not feel any need to. But, it is clear that the steroids I take the night before chemo and I am then infused with before the actual drip of the chemo chems, have a very amphetamine quality to them. I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. I was up hourly, without exception, having to pee. That is a good thing, because elimination is vital. But it meant very interrupted rest at best. I was thinking about different life situations from the groggy place I awoke to. And I began to internalize the big lesson that Rita read to me while I was infusing on Tuesday: these are thoughts...let them go.

I have continued to think that I have a big life lesson in this chapter that I have not yet fully realized. I know that not worrying and fretting is a part of it, but I have not seemed able to know what tools to use to really learn this...to implement it, that is, to be able to let go of such a useless pattern. And Rita read aloud from a book I own the other day and it seems I heard something of a pearl there. So, I shall continue to treat thoughts as thoughts and practice letting them flow and go. Amen.

I have made some macaroni and cheese and broccoli. Why that appealed to me is irrelevant. I wanted it, had the ingredients and am now eating it. It is the first meal of the day at just after 3 pm. I am having a not-so-great and not-so-bad (might as well say that) Friday and that seems not much different than other Friday's of treatment week. It is clear that ideally, I would be waited on...would be able to lay in bed as desired, but I am grateful that I am ok enough to get up and take care of me, albeit slowly. With two more scheduled chemo treatments ahead, I am going to get through this no matter what. But I shall try to get some self-coverage that has been absent on these two difficult days post chemo. I imagine there will be some blood count shift for not taking the Neulasta shot and that there is likelihood I will need to the next two times. I now know that it is better without, but there has definitely been some aching and bone pain despite no shot! I had not thought that likely. I can only hope it will be warmer...perhaps sunny next time, but here in CNY, there is not even a great probability for that. This area typically doesn't have much sunshine and the effect of lack of sunshine is real. I can ship the thought off and focus on positives, but the lacking sun is a real element. As I think about what my dreams or desires are the for remainder of my life, weather patterns have a place in the dreama-schema. However, as I handle my separation from my dearest one right now, the vital role of nurturing, kindness and love as a foundation in my life is readily apparent. As is always the case in life, what is next is to be revealed...and now is all there is.

It is hours later and I am inclined to add: I have felt progressively worse as the day went on. I am unable to find the vital papers I received for tax filing. I have checked everywhere I can think of. The last time I saw them was last Friday evening. I am about to go to bed and get up early to try searching again. This is a problem that needs resolving pronto. All of my paperwork is organized. I cannot imagine why I would have separated the necessary documents from the other docs I was gathering.

My port site has been with painful sensations this evening and my head is sweating. I still feel swollen. I am tired and truly hoping to get to really rest.

fuzzy headed me!

could this be the easiest chemo yet? really?

It's Wednesday evening. I am truly trying to get to bed at a decent hour. The truth is, that doesn't happen as often as it should given my health needs and what is common knowledge. Rita is in bed and leaves in the morning. Her short stay has been invaluable. She has intuitively handled everything she could have. I feel quite grateful that she chose to give to me in this way at this time. As is always the case, when I have someone stay here and provide me a way to really rest, I do better. But I have even better news to report this time.

My body is handling this round of chemo better than it has handled any of the others. There is a different element in the evaluation that I really do not know the impact of in the findings. Simply put, I did not feel nauseous and did not take the anti nausea drug nor the Ativan. I did use medical m, but nothing else. I had the medications with me today when I went to Hematology Oncology for the Vitamin C infusion, but never needed to take any. Ditto now, all these hours later. And I feel relatively well! Add to the equation the fact I did not get the Neulasta shot and thus have no bone pain and I don't have to anticipate any tomorrow or the next day. I will learn next week how this choice did or did not effect my blood counts. I am feeling very grateful to be able to give this report. I have no idea how Rita feels about coming to my aid when I am doing so seemingly well. I hope she realizes I wasn't joking when I told her that she may be the reason I had no problems this time. Her gentle help on all fronts brought about a calm and sense of well-being which may have impacted the outcome...

On a less positive note, at the Vitamin C infusion I got a nurse whose insertion of the feed line (with needled end that goes into port) hurt and bruised me last week, and this time when she inserted the line I vocalized the pain inadvertently. After she took the line out at the end, she put the customary gauze and tape over the site. When I looked down a half hour ago, I noticed blood had seeped through the gauze and that has never happened. I have only had a drop or so of blood on the gauze. This time the site bled. I intend to call and let my doctor's nurse know that this happened. I don't think this is a big deal; it was not an inordinate nor worrysome amount of blood. However, it was a deviation from what is normal to have it weep so much and this outcome goes along with a painful insertion on two of two occasions. I simply do not want her to be my nurse anymore and I want my doctor's nurse to tell me how to make that so, preferably with her help.

I have begun a list of calls to make in the morning and aspects of my tax spreadsheets to be found and entered. I feel like after I bring Rita to the train station and return home, I will be able to accomplish my goals and care for myself. There is plenty of food in the fridge to grab and eat. I know Barb will be calling after work and I will ask her for any supplies I may need. My cancer mentor has offered to come over to help or visit and I will decide if I need either once I am home. The situation I am in is very different than any of the other three chemo rounds. And I say this after writing about my concerns and fears about this round being worse as the last one had been.

I feel tired and realize I still have not figured out how to change this blog so that it reflects the actual time I am writing. When it was set up, somehow it was in PST. As much as I love it out west, I am currently living in the EST zone. The true time I am writing has consistently been three hours later than listed. Now that I have set the record straight, I will exit this, make a word with friends move in each game that it is my turn in, and head to bed. May the spirits grace me with good rest and the ability to awake and feel good - again!

Chemo four infused!

Infused sounds like a cool thing...and I reckon it is. Rita got up before me and had beans cooking, coffee dripping and the dog fed by the time I made it to the kitchen!  I got my favorite nurse today, whose pokes do not hurt and who is a great gal. I began to feel drousy once the benadryl was in me and was out with the next addition. I slept about four hours and needed it having been up til 5 am. The chemo sit well enough with me that I went ahead and handled two errands: Tractor Supply store humongo bone purchase for Trooper (Thanks, Auntie Rita, says Trooper!) and shirt exchange, then to the bank. Once home, I went into bedroom and took my preferred medication. I then ate a dinner of white bean soup and organic jasmine basmati brown rice, courtesy of Rita. After dinner, we viewed some pics and watched a Nature show of high interest about Douglas Firs.

I reached out and asked my sister if she would take me to the PET scan Tuesday and now I no longer have any concern about that. I realize Wednesday is the really big day. Dr. Puc will go over the results of the PET scan and my prognosis. I believe it is going to go well. Today's blood work provided the latest CA-125 results. My number is now 3.8! It is down from last time. I was recently told that it is unlikely the number will go all the way to zero, but I am not convinced. I sure want it as low as possible. The chemo is doing it's job for the cancer antigen number to be down in low normal range. I am grateful and delighted and charged up with more strength at this point. I feel good and not nauseous. I hope to keep this feeling. I have vitamin c infusion tomorrow afternoon. Things feel on track.

I know I am on the right path. I have given thought to my confusion and have made peace within. Sometimes we simply cannot understand actions and take things personally when they are not meant to be. It's equally true that actions are a form of communication and they say things in lieu of words. I get all of this. I suspect I will grow though the difficulties ahead as I generally do and that I will be a better person for wisely evaluating my feelings and working to better understand myself.

I sign off ready to get to bed at a better time than I achieved last cycle. Hoping to feel equally well in the morning. I believe I will be able to take Rita to the train station Thursday morning, no problem, and then to return home to jam on them tax prep sheets. I will be happy to have that appointment over with on Saturday.

Nurturing weekend...dear friend comes...more help..

I yielded to temptation and pushed my tax spreadsheet aside to put energy into nurturing on Friday. My bf was with me through the full weekend that included a dinner with family I seldom see, viewing SU's Final Four defeat, breakfast in bed, yard work and more. Rita, a dear friend of many years arrived last night to come to my aid. We enjoyed conversation all morning and through the afternoon before embarking on an outing to the health food store and Chittenango Falls. I am most grateful that she bought me key supplements that I had run out of or was about to run out of along with nutritious foods. We picked up Ed who joined us to the outing to the falls...where we hiked off the trails and enjoyed being out in nature on a day that seemed springlike. There is no question my overall energy levels are down. Simple short hikes such as today's take more out of me than ever and it saddens me each time I realize further decline. I know to push on and accept where I am at and give thanks things are going as well as they are. The hike was followed by a back roads quick tour through the countryside to Fayetteville for Ed's treat of dinner. I chose my standby vegetarian middle eastern food which was absolutely delicious. Ed had announced he has decided to depart on an eleven day train trip tomorrow eve, so a stop at the adjacent TJMaxx for him to find a travel pillow followed dinner. Rita enjoyed finding some good deals on great items, Ed found his pillow, and I struggled my way out of the store empty handed.

After dropping off Ed, I began to ponder the sea of confusion that had come over me. I'm doing some internal wrestling to sift to the core of what is sitting so difficult with me. I find myself vulnerably wondering how I will make everything work out this week and next. I'm scared walking into tomorrows chemo because of how poorly the last one went. I know I will live through whatever difficulties are ahead, but it is still disconcerting. Next Tuesday morning, I have a PET scan appointment that I cannot drive myself home from. This is an unmet need. I discussed with my counselor and cancer survivors how damn difficult it is to go through something as big as six rounds of big-guns-chemo living alone. The hope this time is that not having the Nuelasta shot will mean no bone pain and thus an easier time of it. The flip side is foregoing the shot will leave me more susceptible to germs' destructiveness and I will need to be even more careful than I have been willing to be. My fears are centered on the lingering nausea I endured last time and the known reality that the chemo is cumulatively building and that this time is likely to be worse. And the person who has been willing to help me during the second and third rounds and who provides me the nurturing and love I know to be vital is stepping out for the next eleven days. I know I am strong and must become stronger now. I'll be grateful for collective prayers that I will do well, and accept what is with grace and dignity, wits and that fortified strength.

Rita will be with me through Thursday morning. Hugely great. One local friend has notified me that she will call and be able to come after work Thursday and Friday should I need help or anything brought to me. I must be ready to go to my taxes appointment on Saturday morning, no matter what. I have a few errands I did not make a priority that I now realize I will need to figure out. I feel myself already falling into some vulnerable, pitiful headspace, aware that the test is on for me...

But to bring it all back to gratitude and away from fear or sadness, in today's mail that I came home to, I received a check from a dear friend in Humboldt, a second donation from another dear friend in Humboldt came via Paypal's email yesterday, and an additional donation from Rita was handed to me upon getting home this evening. The financial help I've received from my friends has in a real way been key. It is a demonstration of compassion and understanding, of care and love. Each time I receive help, a bit of the huge burden is whittled away. My share of the surgery and chemo costs is coming due and the ongoing weekly Vitamin C infusion payments are due at the time of services. Difficult is such an understatement of how it feels. Yet bit by bit, what is needed is being received and used to get through this finite chapter of getting to the remission side of stage IV ovarian cancer.

I believe the lessons I am learning and the contemplation I work through regularly are shifting how I will live the rest of my life. I will take time to really get to the core of what my current hurt is really about and force myself to work past it. I hope the energy spent on that propels me to inner peace and that I will know what actions are best and right. Amen.

...tax preparation time

Well getting to bed after four am is not a good thing for me...but it is what it is. Last night I got five uninterrupted hours of rest, then woke up fully at 4:30 am. I had to turn to my medical m to tranquilize myself back to rest and I then had another five hours of uninterrupted sleep. Tonight, given a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 11...an appointment that it will take time to park and walk to...I cannot expect all that much sleep before it will be time to get up and at it.

Why have I been so steadfastily at my spreadsheet for taxes? Because I am dead lining in a big way. I have just one day with Rita before chemo and potential nausea. Between now and Sunday early evening, I have appointments tomorrow...first the doctor and then the counselor. In between I hope to get some vegetables purchased as I have little fresh. Saturday, I want to get out of the house and that can only occur if the spreadsheets are completed. They represent all the nitty gritty details of profit and loss with my dear-to-me house in CA, the travel and repairs and purchases...and if I had kept a spread sheet going, I would not be combing through all of my credit card statements, travel emails, etc. I have begun the spreadsheet for this year! Silver lining, I guess. And, once I honestly got at it tonight, I kept at it. I have gone through all emails, all bank statements from CA and that leaves the bank statements here and that presents yet another problem. I closed my account at Key Bank and cannot access the e statements anymore. I will have to go into a Key Bank branch tomorrow (list just grew!) and get someone to print them. I presume that is possible.

Why did it take me so long today to get started with this task? I awoke fully rested and knew this was the day. But, I went into procrastination mode. I am skilled at that mode of operation. I grew to be an expert procrastinator in grad school Writing my thesis took all I had...because each day, before I got at it, I found things that needed sorting, or cleaning...I mean my cupboards were tidied,  windows washed, aluminum sills cleaned, dog bathed...you name it, I did it instead of the writing. And today, I fell right back into that comforting pattern. I am guessing I find it comforting...it's like how can I get mad at myself if I am accomplishing, regardless of whether or not I am accomplishing that which must get done due to time constraints. In the case of the thesis, I got it in just an hour before the office would close and I would not make the Dec 2000 graduation list. And, it turns out there were extra pages in one of the bound copies. Should the printer have noticed? Well, it would have been cool if he had; he told me he went through it all. But it is what it is...there is a copy in the library at HSU and I can only hope a few folks read it. I did not accomplish the once highly held goal of starting a victim-offender mediation program in Humboldt. And right now, I do not think that is a goal I care to accomplish. I feel it would have been a huge gift to the county to have had the umph to push past the problems that prevented me from getting a program off the ground...but I digress.

This is not going to be about that which I wanted to do and never got around to. But it almost was! I am going to complete the tax prep spreadsheets (yes plural, two...one for self employment, too). It was a bleak year financially in a way I have never experienced. It is by the grace of god I stayed here...and I feel it was with unbeknownst at the time reason. Blessings have come from staying here. And blessings will come when I leave. In the interim, I only wish that I could be in the moment and on an even keel more often. The chapter I am in is temporary. My being hard on me...seems more entrenched....because here I am, yet again, getting down on me for shortcomings.

Yeah, I'm tired. I have to go get to bed. I wanted to convey that I am having another challenging mini-chapter as I push hard to get my spreadsheets accurately developed. It takes a lot of organization and thought to do so. And I am well on my way.

One last thing to report on: my health. I have been fighting off something that resembles a cold. I have a runny nose and not a great amount of energy for the past two days. I know I exposed myself to germs at the senior assisted living facility and then there are other social encounters that exposed me to illness. I find it hard to abide by what I was told in terms of keeping myself away from the public. I know the reasons why not to...and then I find myself not being disciplined or simply forgetting. Tomorrow I go into a big medical facility and I know I will be near some sick folks in the process. Vitamin C? Can you please help me to ward off illness so that I can go into chemo able to take the fourth round with some grace?

I hope so...about a lot.

I had to ask...

I'm receiving another Vitamin C infusion right now. Last week while infusing, I asked my nurse about the origin of the Vitamin C. I recalled Dr.Puc saying it was from New Zealand and I expected to verify that. Instead, the nurse came back and stated it was from the U.S. I recently read that nearly all Vitamin C manufactured in the U.S. is derived from GMO corn! To me, that feels like travesty...a misdeed, something that at the very least should be optional. Who thinks the vitamins they are taking are made from GMO crops? That's the question we all might be wise to ponder. Today, I asked that the nurse find out what the Vitamin C is derived from. At this point, calls have been made and some running around is going on...all that has been confirmed is that 80% of U.S. produced Vitamin C is derived from GMO corn. My mind feels troubled...I never thought that the GMO crops have infiltered our lives to the degree they obviously have. The news took a long time to receive. The lab stated the ascorbic acid is synthetically derived without corn. I do not know from what the ascorbic acid was derived, and I see now the manner in which one asks a question matters greatly. I am willing to let this one rest. I feel more & more inclined to get my next life chapter set up to grow much of my vegetables... 

I can report that I have steadily felt improved each day. As for treatment and schedules, my forth chemo is scheduled for next Tuesday. Dear friend, Rita, is arriving Sunday and she will be helping and caring for me until Thursday morning. I feel very tired and am going to doze for the rest of my infusion.

mineral salts take me away...

...well...the commercial says "Calgon, take me away" and, as anyone who knows me knows, I don't ever use commercial products like Calgon. But, I use great mineral salts with pure herbal oils in my baths and I want to be taken away...far, far away...

It has been a long while since I have blogged. I find I turn to writing when feeling little control...and as a therapeutic outlet of sorts...but once I am better... at least lately, I have been catching up on chores and living. Here goes, in one run-on paragraph, from the last post 'til now: Friday evening had me out and about with my bf. We were on a mutual adoration wavelength and had a productive and memorable evening. Saturday afternoon I watched the SU/Indiana NCAA game. It's always great when the team you are rooting for wins, especially when they are the underdog. Sunday, Easter morning, started early, due to the decision to attend church. It was a multifaceted decision. Ed met me and we walked in and met ma and Joe in the front row. Immaculate Heart of Mary church has changed a whole lot since I was in there for my father's funeral, and even more since childhood. Many of the adorning statues have been moved or removed. There are various hanging devices still in their places high on the walls. It feels different without them. The sermon given by the priest was interesting. He used his own life vignette to illustrate the punch line: we experience various joys in life, but they are often tempered with disappointments. Ok. Yeah. I can see and accept that. It was not a wow-me kinda sermon, by any stretch, though. But, I had the experience of attending mass with my mother and bf on either side of me. After mass, we went out and had breakfast at a diner that was doing a lot of business. My eggs were cooked just exactly as I like them and I felt better for eating. The plan then was to go home and I had to make frosting for the cake I baked to take to my nieces house where we were to go for dinner. However, once home, there was a message and subsequent phone call during which I learned that my great nephew had fallen from an escalator the night before, had undergone surgery that morning, and although he is going to be ok, the dinner was cancelled so that my niece and her husband could be near their son in the ICU. Geez...yet another example of how quickly plans can change and the unforeseeable can impart it's impact-able elements. After a mutual decision to take a leisurely drive to Lake Ontario, the walk along the shore we desired was cut very short by me when I felt the wind chill me to my core as I simultaneously felt my resistance go down and myself rapidly tiring. We stopped at an open farmers store where I bought some chunks of great cheese cut off wheels. Once back home, tired, I put a meal into the oven and made arrangements to go get my mother to come eat with us. We stopped and I met my bf's family ever-so-briefly and next we were walking all around my ma's assisted living facility trying to find her. I felt nervous that I was pushing my luck by being there exposing myself to elderly germs and had never intended to walk all over as we found necessary. Once home, we made a salad and the food was easy to get onto plates. We shared a very delicious meal of organic pork, potato, salad and babka. Mom did not eat hardly anything and I have no idea how poorly I did at not letting it bother me. After serving the cake, Ed took her home. Today was spent on such tasks as cleaning my wig, scrubbing clean my shoes, vacuuming, organizing and picking up the pieces of my driveway that the plow blade scraped off during the winter. I also thought today of how much I want to get away.

Aside from April fooling myself, almost...well, okay, no one, I cannot see how to actually get away as I wish I could. I want to just jump in the car and drive south until I feel warmth and see sunshine. I watch another HBO movie while HBO is available for free and intend to get to bed fairly soon...and perhaps when I get up in the morning, I will take a soak and begin to plan a real getaway.