Difficulties...

What a day. I was able to receive my Vitamin C infusion this morning. I came in on a piece of toast  and drank some green and pomegranate tea. Once I completed intake with the nurses and the port was accessed, I checked email and facebook, meanwhile Ed went for breakfast and returned with oatmeal with raisins for me. A few bites had me realize it was not going to sit well. And that ill sentiment has continued with each thing I have tried to eat. Most recently I had a piece of toast with almond butter on it and it has not settled well despite 5 plus hours. Reeds Ginger Beer has provided relief and is keeping me going. Patty came by with a 4-pack and we visited. That was comforting. Since Ed left I managed to use the vacuum cleaner to eliminate the fur that WileE and Trooper left all over, however, it broke. Poof. No smoke. I can only hope it regains it's will to keep sucking it up, for I cannot envision life without a vacuum as a pet owner. Just more hurdles. Ho hum.

It is now Friday morning. It is snowing steadily. I can see inches have accumulated. I'm definitely a shut-in today. My head is groggy. I am not feeling well. My knees are swollen. I ache all over, as in every bone. No foods are appealing, and I fear eating the wrong thing. I'm drinking San Pellegrino water. I look forward to Barb bringing me some lentil soup tonight after she is out of work. I hope to be able to eat it; right now it sounds like it will be ideal. In between now and then, I have no idea what is going to be proper. I am feeling a bit lost right now. I don't want to get weak and think I have the willpower to avoid that. It feels like this road to wellness has taken a topsy-turvy turn. I find no comfort in the steady heavy snowfall. It makes me feel alone and isolated. As I think ahead I get all confused. I am alone and isolated. I miss the places from where I gain comfort. They are not here. I have no drive to take here (if I felt well and if the weather were conducive to taking a drive for the heck of it) that will bring me to a lookout from which I can feel refreshed. I make do with swamps around here at times, but I am not kidding myself. When I feel ill, I seek that which brings comfort. I have moaned for my mom, long since she has been able to comfort me. Heck, she is in her own buffered world of assisted living and has forgotten I have cancer. Moaning for her is an exercise in futility. I also think of places I would like to be and they are so far away, only my mind can safely transport me there now. Thus, I will place some effort in time traveling to the beautiful north coast of California. I can ruminate up and down the golden state's twisting roads, for I have made many a journey to think back upon. I insert highlights of the most recent trip which brought joy and warmth and water...I lay back and float upon the Atlantic Ocean from Key West...ahhh. Such wondrous memories there.

Being here now is not working well. More San Pellegrino, please, says I to I. I already knew that Friday is a very difficult day after Tuesday chemo and this one is simply put, much worse. I depart this writing aware that I do not seem on a track that is going to entertain in any way. I can only impart the fact that sometimes it gets difficult to be going through cancer treatment living alone. Those who care and care to have come to my aid as much as they are able. At the end of it all, I am by myself, wishing not to be a burden, for that brings out sadness and tears, and yet I know that I am a burden...even just to myself right now.

It is hours later and I watched Ken Burns special series on Our National Parks. I enjoyed learning new things and seeing the scenery. I napped some, and generally felt ok while viewing the shows. Barb arrived around 3:30 and I ate some soup within an hour. It was just what I needed. It settled well. I had more later. We chatted and I shared some pics. I cannot say how much I appreciate such acts of kindness. Barb brought her vacuum and ran it. It is back to me and the falling snow and the family room I am in is getting chilly. I do not feel like I can drag wood up, so I may have to go back to the other room. I have enjoyed the reprieve of hanging in here with the insert going. This bed is a bit softer and I felt it good for a shift. The bones are definitely sore. I cannot say they are less sore than last month. It seems sore is sore. Dang. I'm doing my best to get my mind settled into the here and now and being ok with how things are. I think being patient with where things are at is more difficult for me than I had recognized before, or maybe it's that this chapter is bringing out impatience at times, like it or not.

Looking forward to warmth, companionship and less pain.