I take note of a slight attitude switch I've contended with during the past few days. While one might find it obstinate I see it more as impatience manifesting. I refer to learning the cancer treatment is working last week. Ovarian cancer markers down in the normal range...led me to think "I'm not certain I need to do a lot more chemo"...and that led me to not be as eager to go this morning. And it's not that I would seriously ditch out in the middle of treatment, but it means...an element of the still not mastered impatient part of me came to the table.
This morning I was seemingly more prepared to attend treatment than I had been the other times. Ed drove me through the slushy, icy streets...because, yeah, we got a couple of inches of snow over the evening, yet another topic that triggers that impatient part of me. Wanting to jump ahead in time...
This treatment went different than the others. I got my favorite spot in the infusion room, the one that I had sat at the first infusion. It is in the far left corner of the room and has more space than the other stations. It was a gloomy morning. I had prepped the port site with the Lydocaine cream and the nurse who came out to get me is one with whom I have established a good rapport and somewhat of a bond. She did a great job of inserting the needle, no pain. Just a sensation that is indescribable. Seriously. I have given thought to how I might describe such a feeling such that someone who had not had such an experience would be able to feel it. I'll give a try when I think I can. For now I can say that on a few occasions, after getting my port accessed, I have thought about the alien abduction stories I have read. I feel intruded upon and messed within with toxic chemicals aimed to seek and destroy fast growing cells. Wow. Stop and consider that in a sci-fi vein. Blows my mind a tad each time it happens. I am one of the chosen ones. eek.
After I was infused with morning with the Benadryl and steroid mix, I got really sleepy. By the time the next bag of anti nausea solution began going in through my juggler vein (where the port tube connects into my vascular system) I simply could not continue trying to type this blog as had been my intent. I put on the cloth eye shades and closed my eyes. I was awoken when the chemo drugs began entry. The nurse had to see me awake and watch over me for a period of time to be certain there were no adverse reactions beginning. I could not stay awake but a moment. And so it was. I slept thought 90% of the infusion. It turns out to be a pretty good way of getting through one. And I had entered with an overall lack of restful sleep.
The gist is more positive to report. I have now made it through three chemo treatments. I know the chemo is working. I know how to manage the after effects. I know the Neulasta shot tomorrow will leave me with some pain to contend with and I have a few ideas of what I will try this time to alleviate as much of that aching joint and bone pain as I can. At the very least, once this week is over and I get next week's vitamin c infusion, I will be over the half-way point on the treatment regiment I began. And as I stated in my last post, there is a decent probability that I will not be asked to complete all six treatments. So, I may be well past the half-way point! I am so very grateful that this has been going as well for me as it has. I have many reasons I can point to on why I think it is. Nurturing, loving, tender kindness is part of my reality these days and the beauty of these cannot be overvalued. I believe they are very instrumental in my positive attitude and in the way I have tackled the cancer chapter, from the day I learned of it to the present. I also found the right cast of treatment characters that are highly competent. I get great compassionate care here in Syracuse. When I think I am sick of the weather, I remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be and then begin to enumerate the reasons to myself to give that notion a sense of concreteness.
As I tire and get geared to go to bed and remember not to turn wrong of hurt the access array that is patched over and then taped aside on my port. When I am having two infusions in a row, it is suggested to leave the needle/access in and not have to re-poke. When I stop and think about how dang surreal this all feels...the notion of alien invasions and their prodding...the port...the odd method we have of removing cancer by filling the body, the temple, with toxic substances that kill all fast growing cells indiscriminately...the drugs that accompany to prevent side effect...and that list alone could become difficult to deal with accept for the fact I just had to accept the package as the ticket.
Accepting the package as the ticket is a notion to contemplate for anyone...I think I just hit upon a topic to end with as I tire. Maybe that's why it is written as it is, but at this moment I find it provocative. Good night from at least the half-way point!
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