Sunshine, walking, realizations and the hope for a fairy tale ending

After breakfast, I ran a bath. The soaking, jets and herbal detox salts did me very good. I practiced singing some of my favorite songs loudly. I got out feeling refreshed. I made a well-rounded and healthy lunch for Ed and I and we spent some time together. He came intending to get me out walking and was suggesting the mall, but when the sun was out fully and the temp felt reasonable to walk in a down coat with hood and hat...off we went and I am quite pleased that I made the two mile loop for the first time since before my surgery! A grand accomplishment that should put me to bed tired out enough to enjoy some solid rest. Last night only provided 5 hours and I know that is inadequate.

Today I realized that my bald head is a turn off. I am feeling numerous feelings about it. I review all my choices and I stand by them as correct. I simply have to do what I am doing. I am not in love with the path I am on, but I love life. As strong as I can be at moments, I also experience flip-side moments. What I now have for a body is quite different than before this all began. My surgical scar is likely to fade out some, but it is grand in it's zipper effect and lengthy. My hair, which I always enjoyed, will grow back, but yet even those who have stated this to me in a reassuring tone find it difficult. And I have to be strong enough to accept and love myself now, perhaps most of all. And I am having difficulty at the moment rising to that lowly yet lofty occasion.

There are additional aspects of my situation which make it feel on the cruel side. But the bottom line is, if I see no way to change any of the circumstances, why frame it as cruel? If I have had experiences I will always cherish and my cancer and finances force changes ..shouldn't I be able to maintain gratitude for having had the joy? During the autumn, I fell in love. The ways in which it has been beautiful, empowering, tender and rich cannot be enumerated. The blessings are countless. My rock has been love. When things waiver, when doubts are cast or any distancing happens, I feel scared. It becomes work to maintain my will and strength. I am a hopeful hopeless romantic. I want a fairy tale ending.