Sun day

I am projecting sunshine. I want a sunny day, metaphorically and otherwise. I feel better. I cannot stray much past that one word descriptive. I don't want to quantify "better".

I'm in quite the transformation process. That is what I am coming to see it as. I am different than yesterday and the day before. That is true for each of us daily. However, I sense the differences as deeper. Right now, I am more cynical. Humbled to my knees, yet edgy.

I'm so hungry for something hearty. The rebel in me wants to get  up and get in the car and go to the store and buy some raised clean, hormone and chemical free meat. Sausage to be exact. And I want something with it. The rebel wants to make this happen for herself so much...but reality is she/I can't. And therein is the struggle. I feel bitter that my most basic needs must go to the wayside right now. I do have the ability to get up and get myself something to eat. And that is what I will have to do. When I am better, I will be able to meet my needs again. I had a conversation last night with my new friend and cancer mentor who is ten years cancer free! She assured me that all the ways I was feeling were understandable and fine to feel. She boiled it down: your basic needs are not being met. I cried harder hearing those words. But I knew she was right. And I knew it would be temporary. I knew it felt difficult, awful and that I was struggling internally over knowing my self-worth and still not being able to get my basic needs met. Not long after the conversation of realizations, Patty came over. She texted and offered and showed up. After barreling into the driveway, she got the shovel and cleared the end very well. She came in, and cared for me. And that got me past the sadness. The night ended so much better than it would have had Pat not stopped to help.

But back to today. I put aside what I wished I could have and went into the kitchen to get what was available. I knew I needed wholesome, clean, high quality food. I have not been well...gastrointestinally; things are off...this is not time to deviate from healthy eating. I put together a handful of organic cereal, vanilla yogurt, greek yogurt ( a little of each), org. blueberries and a banana. I enjoyed each bite to the best of my ability. Chemo seems to have removed the appeal food once had. I hope to get a small grocery run in soon. I feel the need for meat so will try to take heed.

I have a kind offer to take a ride today. But I seem to be alienating myself. Bitter at the world-at-large for me, the once independent doer, to find herself so weak. Unable to even state a need directly. Hoping to be figured out so as not to have to further humble myself. So complex we are, we humans. I am going to get myself dressed for the first time in three days. I am going to try to find another something to eat that gives me more strength...and to hope to show my gratitude to my ride when he shows up. I am in a fragile place I hope to grow past godspeed.