...full days

It's been a couple of days...and they were very full, indeed! Friday I was asked on a date to the Everson Museum where "American Moderns, from O'Keefe to Rockwell" is on display. I had seen a few Georgia O'Keefe paintings in Seattle many years ago when I was there to attend the PSA Conference (funny how one idea triggers the next and I realize there are so many unwritten jewels about going to the PSA - Pacific Sociological Association). I recall standing there with Thia and being brought to tears just looking at the incredible painting Georgia had done so many years before. Powerful stuff. So, yeah, I was eager to go to see the display. And we walked around and saw each of the works on display. There was one Rockwell and four O'Keefe's and many, many others. I spent a lot of time studying the O'Keefe's...and they were fascinating, rich, warm, inviting, masterfully accomplished. We spent a total of three and a half hours in the museum, viewing every work on display - at least rudimentarily. My knees were aching when we left and it had been a great date, for sure. That evening was lovely...heated up leftovers and an organic salad with many ingredients...and love. Ah.

Saturday was a slow rollin day. Late to rise, late breakfast...I watched part of the SU loss to Georgetown game and then it was time to open the box and bring music back into my home-world.I had made a facebook post about my stereo amp issue, hoping someone would know something or would have something to offer on the topic. I am lost without music as a possibility in the backdrop. That is not to say that I do not have the keen ability to draw a tune up in the mind's gleeful eye, for lyrics and tunes come up all the time for me. But...there is something powerfully important to be said for being able to play that awesome collection of cd's on that carousel that sits waiting...and my very old Pioneer SA-1050 had died. Well...it was almost dead and not useable. My son had opened it up and did some cleaning some months back, and more recently, Ed had opened it up and used a potent cleaner and during the past three weeks, it had worked again! That is, it had been able to output on both channels. Then - the crackling, and no more sound on one side. And then...no more sound to both. Argh.

Well that post on facebook led to Dawn taking an active problem-solving approach. She went hunting on ebay and found the same unit. She wrote a note about it and I responded that the person did not warranty the unit. That was the last I heard about that...except for a clue about waiting. Long story, short, she spoke with the seller and ordered it for me. Talk about generous and wonderful. She knows how I love music and the challenging chapter I am in. She knows and she cares and she took action. The question of why one person will take that leap to be generous is now on my mind. I am contemplating it. I know that she is not in some huge surplus situation in her life. But yet, she chose to help me now. Not at a time one would be prone to expect a gift...like a birthday. She was not calling it a gift for a particular occasion. She just knew it would make me happy and would eliminate a stressor, and she took action. Given she also donated money toward my cancer treatment, I am left hugely grateful and full of love...and as I said, contemplation. What makes a person feel and enact generosity? the unspoken question attached to that one is: while another person, perhaps in better financial standing to do so, choses not to be generous. I will continue to give this thought. I know that there were times when someone was in need and I myself was not in a position to help and I felt kinda bad but let it go. Another time, someone was in need and I was in worse financial shape than the time before, but I came forward and gave something. I remember I felt really good about it afterwards. Like I had made a small sacrifice that would lead to someone I cared for having some of her needs met a little bit more. Lately, as I struggle through this cancer treatment phase on more than one level, I have thought more about generosity of monies. I've chosen to take on Vitamin C therapy as an augmentation to chemo. When I made the commitment, it was just that. It would not be good to have the treatments intermittently. It is important to keep the levels of C up. So, I said yes to $200/week for months at a time when I have zero income. Zero is a very lonely and frightening number at this time in my life. No doubt. I have awoken in the night and sat straight up concerned about how I am going to get through this time financially. Worried. At the end of these times of worry, I have to reassure myself that I am worth it, that I made the right choice, that no matter what, I will get through it, given I have a credit card. I fear what this chapter will do to my future plans...but then I boil it down to the simple truth. I have no concerns other than right now...because if I do not successfully get cancer out of my body, there will be no future. And so it is. Each week, somehow, I go in there and hand them the $200 that gets me an infusion that helps my immune system to function. And the proof can be seen in my healing thumb...ever better every day.

The preceding paragraph shows what freestyle writing creates. A notion then another...just as the mind works. I work to make the finance topic quit coming up...quit waking me up from a seemingly sound sleep...and to be evermore disciplined. Thing is: I am a disciplined person with money. That makes this chapter extra difficult. But...that said, I have 5 people who have responded to my ad about my too-large-for-me clothing for sale. I see the potentiality for these people to pay for another infusion...and that thought is a relief. It is all about getting through this period of time, being mindful, self-loving, accepting of what is, gracious for what I receive from others and grateful for all there is to be grateful for.

Which brings this full-circle to the stereo amp Dawn sent. Ed hooked it all up for me. And it was not easy. That's because the graphic equalizer had been disconnected at some point by someone else...a different tv had come into the household...and nothing about hooking it all up was simple. I pulled out the booklets for the old equipment and with perseverance and toil, it is fully hooked up as it had been one day long ago in CA. The sound can be tailored with the graphic equalizer when listening to cd's and the radio and when playing DVD's on the tv, the sound can go through the large speakers!!! I am thrilled over this! I am ever-so-grateful to Dawn for sending me the exact amp to replace the old and fully worn one and for Ed who got the system all hooked up correctly. Three cheers and more!

Back to yesterday and how it relates to today in this body working toward harmony...after the stereo was working we decided to take a walk with WileE and Trooper, our dogs. We walked for about an hour and a half and I was struggling to make it back. I was hurting and felt like I might not make it...but pushed on, trying to catch up with my short legs, growing ever tired. Once home, hunger begged for food and I cooked...even though I received a massage, the pain was undeniable and by the time Ed went home, I was tucked into my room. I only got up to take an ibuprofen  and anyone who knows me knows I rarely take any pharma's. It did little good but I was hurting enough to try.

I am writing from bed..still needing to get up and care for myself. I slept pretty well. Got up and went back to sleep twice. But my knees remain swollen and hurting and I find it difficult to move. I feel like crying. I was so happy to be walking again. I walked a lot this week. And now, it seems, it was too much to have done so. I  simply need to learn how to find the balance in all aspects of my current life. How to keep my body exercised enough without going too far, how to continue to provide my vitamin c infusions to give my body the best chance to get though this chapter in the best condition possible, how to continue to buy myself fresh organic vegetables, how to bring in money out of what I have.

Maybe if I keep the tunes playing in the background, with my working, wonderful stereo...and remember to sing and be glad for what is going well...I can push past the pain, eliminate the concerns and become that person that is evolving to be the new me...