Regrouping...

...got through the night. HuluPlus national park and national monument segments filled the evening, one after the next. I dozed as was possible in between. The joint pain was indescribable. What a fine line it really is, that invisible finest of fine that keeps one on the sunny side. I have not been able to stay on the sunny side this round. Yesterday I felt needy, and I hated knowing my needs were demanding more than folks really cared to give. I feel bruised from what is going on. More mending to do. I have to accept my needs will push; they are pushing me hard. Gotta find the balance...the way to get up and care for myself, whether or not I am up to it at a given moment. Or adjust. Hmm.

Right now I realize the nature segments during the evening and into today were perfect. I get my spiritual renewal through nature. It has been my path since way, way back. Way back when we drove through the Adirondacks when I was a kid and I wanted my dad to pull over so we could get out and see...over and over again. Oh and they gave me a snapshot camera! That was always me.  Last night, I re-visited Yosemite for the first time since I was 17. I had memories resurge of the ride into the valley in the back of a pick up...Patty, Opal and I were hitchhiking.. A whole lot of detail came back to mind. And again I am amazed at what a fine thing the mind is. When it wants to be friendly. Or is it when the sunny side is walked? The memories of Yosemite and the wonderful videos I viewed have me definitely wanting to return there. I have so much living I want to do. Oh yes. And that, that desire has to be the determinate of determinates. The ultimate trump card in this mix.

Turns out I was awake a lot during the night and each time I looked out it was snowing. Today, the sky is vivid blue, there are clouds, the trees have fresh snow on them and it looks pretty out. The vivid blue sky is indicative of at least partial sunshine. And that is what makes the biggest difference. As I sit here contemplating the bath I ran way too hot so that I could just walk in leisurely and get in when I am ready (and the unspoken is the water temp will be just right at that point in time when I am ready), I hope somehow after my bath to feel much better...then in a perfect world I would get company or some offer to take a ride...somewhere, anywhere...where I could sit and look out at the scenery. Go somewhere, feel a part of...but with no such offers even remotely in the mix, I suspect I will be in the house today and I shall try to accomplish something important. Write that important letter...scan that doc and email correspondence...I sure do not feel up to shoveling snow and maybe if it is left alone it will melt.

I have turned to this blog therapeutically during the past few days. I imagine looking back to this one day in the future and thinking "it wasn't really that bad." It isn't really. Just the other day I said aloud that I already felt I had received gifts through my cancer. The next day it seemed like the words had been too swiftly spoken as I scrambled to recall just what the heck gifts I had referred to.