sensitivities

A couple of days have scooted by. I received many calls Monday and chatted with several friends. I also handled business calls and paid bills. I've viewed and am aware of all of the medical bills. At this point a few insurance claims are arriving daily. I get to see what my cost share is going to be before the actual bills arrive. I feel a bit shocked by a few things. One is the cost of the Neulasta shot...charged out to insurance at over $7000, the insurance approves almost $3000 and my cost share is over $700 each! This is the shot that makes all my bones ache and stimulates white blood cell growth in the bone marrow. Today I decided to read about high dose Vitamin C infusions on the internet and now believe that those stimulate white blood cell growth; now I naturally feel the need to discuss this tomorrow with the doctor's chemo nurse. She can go ask the doctor while I infuse. But if there is any way to eliminate that shot starting the next chemo, I am all in favor. I'd like to try without it, just to see.

At this point, I am feeling only better and not well as is usual a week after chemo. I believe this indicates the chemo is saturating me, or starting to tax my body as it has accumulated. All of the above is on my agenda to discuss tomorrow with nurse and subsequently the next time I see the doctor.

I'm quite sensitive these days. I have done some crying...and have done much soul searching about the things which have bothered me. I've done my best to hone in on what the problem is and then to try to speak up, inquire and move past. For me, this represents a leap forth...growing...willing to risk the awkwardness of revealing my feelings, perceptions and issues to people who matter, so as not to let unresolved hurts or misunderstandings fester. It's interesting how perceptions and intentions do not match up sometimes...and yet the perceptions are the interpreters reality. I'm learning and growing, proof positive I'm alive.

Today had some time spent thinking...some time spent trying to figure out what appealed to me to eat...some time with my counselor, herself a cancer survivor. I reality check with her and sometimes get feedback about whether or not my notions and interpretations are off base or not. I like the connection we share and feel we work well together. That is a blessing. I am a fan of having a counselor in one's life during challenging times.

By the time I completed my errand of recycling after the appointment, I was extremely hungry and too tired to even go directly into the house. I sat in the car, checking email and resting. I figured out what I could make a meal of and got up the stairs and at it.  I ate tempeh, a sweet potato and toast with cheese on it and felt like I had consumed what my body needed. Hooray. Still being nauseous a week later and not real turned on to food is a shift I am not loving. So, the goal then is to hope I see some improvement daily and that I do eat enough nourishing food.

I am heading to bed with an agenda for tomorrow that includes: bloodwork drawn, appointment with my chemo nurse, Vitamin C infusion and making it to a gynecological cancer support group meeting for the first time since I learned of it. It meets once a month and I feel like I can benefit from joining. I will need to plan for being out of the house for many hours and have ample food and beverage with me. I see that as another weakness I need to improve. I am really trying to find balance in all endeavors and aspects of life. Amen.