...what the big boss say...or...what my path looks like now

Today was the big day. I should start by saying that it was one of my 'truth darts' or 'ice cream cone kid' moments that redirected me initially to say that despite what Dr. Puc and I decided, it would be the advise of Dr. Cunningham I would take. I was driving in my car and the concept hit me hard...as if to say "hold on...you do not have all the information you need to know what is right"...

Good foreshadowing, eh? Well, let me say more before I say more. Today went differently than I had anticipated. I got up and had a phone call and an invite to go to lay at Lake Ontario this morning. After I took a raincheck for Thursday on that notion, I went through my winter clothes and summer clothes and swapped them out. It is a job that happens twice a year here in CNY. It takes time and effort. I have a bin in my closet to store the non seasonal clothing. I got it done and then got ready to leave for my appointment to Dr. Cunningham. Earlier I had scheduled the oil change I had been stressing over for tomorrow morning. I did so online. I realized that I could drop off the car, walk over to yoga, attend yoga practice and return and pick up the car and never have to smell the nasty tire smell I dreaded for it's nausiating aspects. Good call.

As I walked out to leave I received a text asking me if I wanted to be accompanied to my appointment. I answered honestly. Ed met me in front of the building and we arrived on time. It was nice to have him to chat with in the room while we waited for the doctor to come in. When she did, it unfolded in it's own way, like appointments do. It became evident that Dr. Puc's office did not forward all info to Dr. Cunningham. I cannot make any excuses for them on that. It has been weeks since she and I met and recrafted the treatment plan so that my last chemo was my last chemo. Dr. Cunningham made it clear to me that the data for Stage IV Ovarian cancer patients and remission was based on six chemo rounds or eight...but not five. When I brought up the PET scan she seemed mildly irritated. She said she did not care what it showed because it only shows cells groups of a certain size and not smaller. I had realized early on that Dr. Puc was taking a traditional course in treating me. I learned today that Dr. Cunningham's course would have been different. For example, she said she read that the Neulastra had been discontinued due to my complaints of agonizing pain. She said she does not routinely give those shots, only when cell counts indicate a need for them because of the suffering all patients complain of. Oh. Dr. Cunningham was different in her interactions with me today than previously. She looked at Ed and spoke with Ed. She seemed comfortable that he was there. In a sense, it felt like she looked at him as what I refer to myself as in some situations: the voice of reason. She seemed to respect him. I told her that I chose to work with Dr. Puc because I made the decision I wanted Vitamin C infusions. I said that I knew that Dr. Puc is not an ovarian cancer specialist. I credited her with that title and stated that I was there for her expertise. She did not hesitate to say it in more than one way...there is no reason to stop treatment at five chemo infusions. If I want my remission to be long-standing, I should be willing to endure another treatment to give myself the best chance of that. One of the more positive things she asked and responded to was if I knew how quickly the CA 125 number went down after chemo. When I told her that after the second chemo it was down to 7.5, she showed happiness. She said that was an indicator of how well the remission might go. The fact the cancer responded quickly and died off to a normal antigen reading bodes well for my probabilities of what I want to call a cure. And that was just what Dr. Brown at Memorial Sloan-Kettering stated that day in November so long ago. She said that I had a 45-50% chance of being cured. I liked that...as did Lisa, who I'm sure remembers that too. I do not often hear the word cure in relation to ovarian cancer, in fact, Dr. Puc said there is no cure for ovarian cancer. But if remission goes on past 10 years, one might go ahead and use that word "cure." And there are plenty of people who meet that criteria.

So tomorrow, when I go in to meet the nurse, I need to reschedule my sixth and last chemo for the same day it had been, May 21. I need to ask for help now. I know Ed, who has been very helpful to me, is going to be busy with family that entire week. I have some ideas. I will have to reach out more and possibly be alone far more than I want to. But it will really be it and that should help push me past discomfort somewhat. I have no idea whether or not I will have any eyebrows left. When I look in the mirror now, I get surprised. I'm not used to how I look. But, this too shall pass. Amen.

The appointment at Dr. Cunningham involved discussion of the blood tests for ovarian and breast cancer markers, genetic testing. I have to return on June 7 and will discuss the test and give the blood that goes to one lab in Utah, I believe. That will be another thing to wait to know more about. I shall update on that as the info becomes available. I know it matters a lot to my daughter. My gut tells me it will be negative. We shall see.

As Ed and I walked out of the office, we both admitted we thought Dr. Cunningham was going to say you are not done. She was adamant about it. I was compelled to tell her again that it was her that was on the frontline as the surgeon that got me on the path and she seemed gracious about taking that gratitude, but swiftly turned it to: well then lets complete the treatment plan...

So, next on this day that unfolded unpredictably, I mentioned wanting to clean my car and Ed mentioned me coming over and next thing I knew, after stopping at a farmstand with plants, we went to Ed's house and began cleaning my trunk, then interior. It was a project. I know now why I was stressing. There was a LOT in there. All kinds of stuff. We did fill two kitchen trash bags and also created a small give away bag. A box was filled with stuff that belongs in my garage, too. And then the interior got gone through. More purging...then vacuuming. I got hot and tired in the process and took a break in the house to regroup and cool off. And now...the car is ready for one more vacuuming and the interior of the windows to be cleaned. I shall accomplish such tomorrow afternoon, after the infusion. I am very relieved that is done. After the car cleaning was completed, Ed offered to take me to eat at King David's Middle Eastern Cuisine in Fayetteville. I absolutely love a particular platter there. And they have a non-sugared green tea with pomegranate juice that we both enjoy thoroughly. Good food, a fairly quick run through TJMaxx next door, and then I dropped off Ed. On my way home, I dropped off the small bag of donations, and went through a car wash! Wow. I am stoked at how the car is going to look once the windows get clean tomorrow. Phew.

I now can look ahead to going to the island to see the wild ponies and lay next to the Atlantic. I completely look forward to kayaking around Assateague Island. We shall have some relaxation, stop and see Lisa and Len and then return with me to go to the real last chemo the next day. Perhaps I shall make it be Wednesday just so I can unpack and settle in. But either way...I will renew, come back and go through the last chemo. I can then celebrate.

I am hugely grateful for so much today. I know how much better it felt to have the support of Ed at the appointment. I was not alone. It made it all feel better. All the work we did on my car was truly we. I am so glad to be on the other side of the deep trunk cleaning. I found that there was a lot of moisture in a cubby adjacent the fuel tank. Everything I stashed in there was rotted. The plastic line running that was supposed to be attached to an end, was not. It is speculation, but there is a chance that overfill fuel got in there. I do recall times I smelled fuel, long ago. That issue is resolved. Oh my, the stuff I had hoarded in that trunk. Yikes.

I am quite tired after a very full day. Two in a row. Tomorrow promises to be a third. Bed time after a vitamin c drink I need to make. I am not on a bummer mindset. I am glad...because I really do not want to look back and regret a bad decision. Instead, I shall insurance myself out of treatment, positive I had three rounds of chemo after the antigen level went normal. And then, I get to recover fully, regrow my hair and live...with joy and love and so much more that I did not have only one short year ago. :)