Trees budded during chemo week...seems like a good omen!

Well during the past week the trees seemed to all go from stark to budded...and in the case of many, that means in floral colors galore. It is beautiful and alive, green and lush. I have succeeded at mowing the entire property. As I drive around, which I did today, I note the beauty. I have given thought to planting some plants and have not yet decided whether or not I think that wise. There is simply too much up in the air.

Tomorrow it will be a full week since chemo. I still feel nauseous at times. I'm very vulnerable to feeling weak with heat and we have been blessed with it being up around 80 degrees for days. I laid in the sun for a little while today before tackling errands on my own. I am trying to get it together to take a trip next week that I look forward to. And I need to be with more energies than I currently have by then. Right now, just thinking about getting the car ready gets me tired. The trunk is in need of purging...the interior needs to be vacuumed, the exterior cleaned, the oil changed. And I stop there because I know the smell of the waiting room at the Mavis I use for such services stinks of tires and the smell will not sit well with me.

Back to tomorrow and what I must do: go to my appointment with Dr. Cunningham. I will listen to what she has to say. She will tell me her opinion on what should be next. Another chemo or not. It's a pretty big day. I will be alone and that is not as I wish it. I see lots of merit in having someone along during appointments that matter. For support, to listen...not to mention it being the be-all-tell-all appointment it is...those who have a significant other that always comes along to provide you support, you may not be able to even get your mind around some of the emotions I have gone through because I had no choice but to go alone to some significant appointments. To blatantly admit this does not diminish the help people have provided to me nor my appreciation for each bit of help. I'm simply painfully aware that there are gaps that seem very big to me. The truth is, it is complicated. I am confused. I want to honor myself. And I want the missing elements that matter so very much.

I have spent a bit of time thinking about the previous topic. It is essentially aloneness at times when it is  best not to be alone. I have grown a lot through cancer to the point where I have asked people to help me. I made specific requests. I did not want to ask for accompaniment tomorrow, though I want it very much. Tomorrow will come and go. I will get through the appointment. I will demonstrate my independence and strength to go alone. But I know from experience that everyone else in the waiting room will be accompanied by someone who cares about them. It is the way it has always been. I need to just embrace the truths that this situation present me with and act accordingly. That is maybe what is bothering me the most.

I am getting tired. It was, in fact, a long day. To rehash, I handled a lot today. I made fresh juice out of apples, celery, carrots, ginger and kale. I then cleaned the machine. I did some internet reading. I laid in the sun, but a call came, and the chair I was on came forward, folded on me and broke. I came in and got a five check bank deposit ready. I loaded all the recyclables into the car along with the bottles with deposits. I went to the bank drive through, then Wegman's where I recycled all I had with me. I then went to TJMaxx to seek things I know I could use on the trip. I did not find any. I did get my mom a Mother's Day present. I came home. I made a salad, heated up some baked macaroni and then gave the dog his second meds of the day. After all of the above, I loaded garbage and brought it to be picked up in Liverpool. This was a day full of accomplishments. In a way, going out and about as I did was foolish. I know that it would be better not to go out in public. I think I did well to accomplish so much and not be amongst many. Wegman's redemption center is it's own room and there was one other person there part of the time. TJMaxx had almost no shoppers when I was there! So done those tasks are, but I am with a big list of more to do. And then the pesky life plans that loom. I believe I am getting closer to taking action. I have to cut myself slack knowing it will take me a while to do all that is necessary. Bravery will have to come into play. I am seriously contemplating getting into a small, older RV with Trooper and heading west...stopping and seeing the places I have wished to see. I know that it will take time to get ready for such an endeavor. The basement, the house...oh my. But on the other side of the work, I can perhaps live out a dream...

If it is a pipe dream, then it shall go up in smoke...if it gets me to truly consider what I would like to manifest...then it is a positive. Perhaps this rambling should be put aside and I should medicate and get to sleep. I have been going to bed early lately (not so tonight) and getting over eight hours sleep. I cannot get off that good track. If I have it in me, I will get the oil changed in the morning and sit outside somewhere it is shady. After Dr. Cunningham, I will know more. Wednesday, I hope to get up and go to yoga for the first time since the one time I went after surgery. It has essentially been since November that I have had a yoga practice. I look forward to how I will feel once reengaged in yoga. Wednesday afternoon I have a vitamin c infusion I will sit through, and if a mini miracle can unfold, I will see Bela Fleck that night. I know the value of live music in my life. It is one of those things that are difficult to explain. It will be a full public event...so that has kept me from committing to myself, but let's just see what Wednesday brings me for energy. Energy with the grandest definitions...

When I began posting these blogs, I had envisioned readers commenting. I have received relatively few comments. When I struggle through the difficult times, one never knows if they might have the pearl that would make it better for me, easier to cope. Insights? Bring em on! Otherwise,tomorrow night I shall post the update on whether or not I shall have to go through a sixth cycle of chemo.