It's already been a long morning at 7:20 am in terms of accomplishments. And what started out as me not sure what to do being awake at 5:45 am ended up with me deciding to get up and run a disinfectant through the jets of the jacuzzi before running a bath for myself. I also stood on the deck with Trooper, feeling the quiet of the morning. It was quite lovely. It is quite lovely this time of day, a time that I am generally not familiar with...seems it might be a positive progression for me to be up at sunrise, celebrating the new day and getting to bed much earlier. Tbr.
I am pleased to have helped two large flies move on and out of my home forever after they buzzed me while I gazed at the project below. My front yard needs work that I would enjoy doing: weeding, trimming, sweeping of steps, spreading new grass seed...Current thoughts are: after breakfast. And then the bath and then the call to Best Buy and the subsequent drive over for computer battery service. I thought this, realized the huge progress this represented, got really happy and decided to come sit and write it. I am feeling alive today. The list means I feel able to do those things and that means...forward movement toward wellness - of mind, body, spirit.
I'll say more later: it's breakfast time! Spinach with garlic, scrambled eggs and cheese with salsa...here I come.
It's hours later. I did go out and pull weeds, and trimmed with long sheers - edge grass that wasn't mowed and small limbs on a pine tree. All green matter is piled on the street for pick up. I worked up a big sweat and kept it going one hour. It was a really big deal. I felt good doing something constructive and the sweating must have been releasing toxins. My nose was also pouring out liquid. The bottom line is I accomplished and felt good for it and about it. It looks better. Later in the day as it misted for a few minutes, I went out and spread the grass seed.
I had two important business phone calls, each with some problems to tackle, and each was successful! A new battery is being shipped to me and thus I did not have to drive anywhere. Tomorrow, when I go to my doctor's appointment and Vitamin C infusion, I will drive for the first time in eight days.
I think of myself as on the upswing now, but the truth is last night I had a problem with my left ear that is hard to explain. It went kind of numb. Right now my right foot is doing the same. These are new feelings for me, although each time they ask me at the infusion room if either of these things has happened. Until now, I could say no. I have been lucky. And, I think I still am for lots of reasons. But, things are no where near normal. And normal...that funny word, is likely gonna be different, too.
I have reflected about so much this week, including how I turn to blog during times I feel utterly lonely. I am curious how others have felt while undertaking a huge physical challenge, or more specifically, while going through an intense chapter full of obstacles that is designed to save your life. I have admitted to myself and all readers here that I get very lonely while getting through the chemo aftermath. I accept that and bet it is fairly typical for those who, like it or not, are living alone and facing it predominantly alone with help as it can come. That struggle is more emotional. My moon is in Pisces, too. So I blog and think and blog when going through the tough parts. I write freely and I often do not edit. This week was tougher than any other chemo week. I wrote more often and sometimes, as the day went on, I re-read and edited, or one day this week, I erased a post. It was negative. I was struggling and I was not comfortable reading what I had written. This week, a couple of my friends have sent a little note and let me know they like to read my blog; I still hope some strangers who face ovarian cancer read it. If it is self-therapeutic, too, maybe that is a bonus. Am I digressing here? I want to clarify that when one is going through a very intense chapter like this has been and is, there are periods of confusion, the loneliness factor, the times of self-pity (yes, really), and the unmet needs that feel painful and they likely all come out in the musings.
Sometimes others see things in us we are blind to and visa versa. We are fortunate that as friends, we can provide one another insights. I am blessed with a wealth of close friendships: connections that are deep and timeless. I welcome input from anyone inclined to speak it. I pray to be open to hearing truths when they are presented to me, no matter how difficult. And I pray that I rest well tonight.
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