Here it is Wednesday. I'm looking out the window at birds...a decent pass-time. I'm also making a mental checklist of all I have to do. The list is daunting, but if I just tackle one thing a day...eventually I will be proud of that accomplishment, too. The beauty of completing something like cancer treatment (well, I'm not quite done; I hopefully have a couple of Vitamin C treatments to go and some sort of detox) is that it teaches a person so much. I know with more certainty than ever that if I just take any huge ordeal as something I can and need to get through, then it is pretty certain I will. So while getting my stuff pared down to a manageable amount and getting rid of the rest of it all seems huge, it surely will feel great when I am done. And stuff...so much stuff, is not healthy.
Yesterday it misted and I went out and mowed. I surprised myself in that although there were some near mishaps on the wet ground, I got the whole job done. Hooray! I am readying myself to get out there and repair the broken gate I discovered. I think it will be relatively easy to do and having a broken gate hanging wrong is not good. That will be my accomplishment of the day if I don't then get the energy to get in the car for the first time since last Thursday and drive to Best Buy where my computer warranty is ending tomorrow and they will give me a new battery before that deadline comes and goes. If not today, tomorrow.
Pushing myself is probably a good thing. I still feel like food is not very appealing and I still work to overcome nausea. It may take a few more days...but I'll get past it. And the fact I have shrunken my stomach and am eating mindfully and healthily is just the way it has to be. I have plans to take the 12" broken grill I have, remove the gas parts, then build a small fire in it, let it burn to coals and be able to cook a burger for myself by Friday.
I share these little things because they are rather big in their own ways. To want something to eat and not really have a way to get it is not generally how we operate. But when I see light at the end of a frustrating tunnel, a way to get something done for myself, or to overcome an obstacle, it is empowering.
I continue to think, sometimes too much. I have felt a gamut of emotions being here alone. Some realizations have left me quite sad. But the truth is, sadness has a place as one grows in life. Letting tears flow is healthy. The pattern of blaming myself for being naive or foolish is ending. I forgive myself for mistakes, and recognize that some of the hurtful things that are making me sad are just reminders that my needs are not met. That knowledge will help me to shape decisions.
Ok...good news. I went out to repair the fence. It was far more difficult than I initially thought because it was really tweeked. It's about lifing the chainlink, metal framed gate and getting it squared. It was heavier than it was last time I tried to lift it. I had to pound, with the flat head of a hatchet, on the metal pin holders...one had to come down and one up, only I didn't realize that at first. Oh I want to go on, because it was another one of those cool accomplishments. I was sweating and upset, but I simply kept at it. I had to angle one of the pin holders (not at all the right term) to match the angle of the other one and that is what finally led to getting it squared. It seems likely it had been pounced at to get it to the tweeked angle it was at. It is squarely hung and a done necessary on my list. It is extra exciting because as soon as I got inside, after walking out to get the mail and finding another project piece, the new interior handle to my car, it began to rain...and then it began to pour. It looked like a hurricane kind of front...really, really strong. It made me laugh as I thought about the time in Austin, TX, back in 1979, when it poured like this and I thought it was raining hard enough to shower outside. I got wet, lathered up, shampooed....and then discovered that actually, a shower has more force behind it than a central Texas downpour. I had long hair and it was impossible to get the shampoo rinsed. Life: full of trials and errors and experiences...that we remember and relive at our own whims.
So that concludes my extended version of life with cancer. I do not feel able to go to Best Buy. That can be tomorrow's accomplishment.
Cheers to another day...one a little better than the last one.
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