tryin' my best to roll with it...

It's Sunday. I still feel run down, nauseous when attempting foods, and am trying to just roll with what is. I feel lonesome and as always, don't like being alone during the tough times. Patti dropped in to drop off some freshly made kale and carrot juice and although I cried, I sure liked having her here for a little while. I laid in bed crying this morning, reflecting back on just one week ago and how I was not alone for several days in contrast to now. It's a difficult thing to be able to rationalize that this will pass, that no matter how difficult, I will get through this, how the worst of it is over, how honestly proud of myself I am for all I have been through with relatively few doubts...and how alone has been my norm for so dang long this stretch shouldn't bother me. And yet, as has been the case after every single chemo, it does bother me to be alone.

I have looked at interesting things on the internet, fallen asleep at the computer, thought about that which there is to be grateful for (lots!) and tried to eat something that can hold my interest past being nauseous. No luck on that. The oatmeal didn't taste good to me, so I had toast with cashew butter, not much of it, but perhaps enough. I'm sipping the freshly made juice, an hour later, guess it is actually no longer freshly made, but still packed with nutrition. I would like to talk with someone...to visit. I did get to visit with my granddaughter yesterday via skype and also with my cousin and daughter on the phone. First Barb with oatmeal then Ed with beans came by yesterday morning. Those interactions helped me. I think as I struggle though pieces of the end of this journey, I need support more than I thought I would.

Maybe I'm being childish. Even so, my feelings are real. I have thought of trying to walk down to the car and driving somewhere, but am faced with the same old problem. Even if I felt strong enough to really carry that thought out, where would I go? I have no beach here. I do have the lingering memories of last week's beach moments...and I embrace these.

Anyone who reads this...feel free to call me...if you can, and you are well, come by. Visit with me. I would sincerely enjoy the company. I have no new stories, but can listen to yours....