If my internal clock is shifting, then I have to adjust on the other side. I was again awake at 5:40 am and again after getting to bed in the wee hours. I realize there are some underlying factors that have me unsettled and know I have to get things sorted and regain peace of mind, which I had been maintaining well most of the time.
Last night, well, this morning, when I laid in bed to sleep, I ruminated over all of the ways this chemo has effected me. I questioned myself for changing the plan to have the sixth chemo, like I could change that! I wonder, though, because I knew I was fortunate and that the cancer certainly appeared to be gone some time ago and that my body was not experiencing the numerous side effects that they question me about each time I am seen in the infusion room - weekly. I figure, and this morning's reading would support this, that Vitamin C infusions have helped me tremendously with that. But, the sixth round just brought my body down. Again, no good can come of second guessing that which is done, except for if I can provide my info and someone else can then use it as when making his or her own decisions. Simply put, I believe that this decision was driven by fear. Dr. Cunningham felt very strongly, and made it clear, her recommendation was to have the sixth. I gave her opinion platinum status. So, now my body has more work to do than before and it may equate to an additional six weeks on the healing front; the time between fifth and sixth chemo's and that time added to overall healing. A body broken down (not to be mistaken as me in an evident weakened, frail state) and the notion that there's no way cancer can be alive in there...that's where I believe I am at.
Emotional difficulties and their toll on health has been on my mind. I wonder what the heck I am doing getting stressed out now. It is not a good idea on any level. I know that. But, it has been my reality for the past several days. No matter how I reasoned with myself, there has been a gut level feeling that something is off, for lack of better words. At this point, I believe I am getting a better grasp on it. But getting adequate rest, feeling at peace within, and having enough social interaction are all important pieces to wellness. Get with it, self! I believe I am ready to start getting out interacting a bit more and hope to steadily increase my recreation.
Today I shall ask Dr. Puc about detoxing, I will also discuss a few different sensations I have felt, Vitamin C, hair regrowth (it seems I have stubble coming in all over my head now) expectations, my CA 125 number, ...oh good, I'm falling asleep and will shut this down to gain another two hours of rest which will bring me up to six hours, if I succeed. More later.
Sounds as if you are second-guessing Dr Cunningham. NAY NAY -- SHE IS/WAS RIGHT.
ReplyDeleteHere's my thing, if you'd like my thots -- and I share them in this public venue b/c as a survivor of 6+ years,
I've paid attention --
Way back when you decided to go with chemo. At that point IMO you were in for the six sessions. These nuclear medicines are dose-dependent. You get a teeny bit of reaction the first time; your immune system adjusts, some delicate cells die. Next session (the first dose is still in there, remember--never goes away) you get more, and the body repeats the chorus.
Your body's reaction has been completely normal. The reasons you are uncertain of Dr C is only not understanding western medicine and its testing ability; 'they' understand those limitations, so determine dosage by the research of what works.
All the ways 'they' can test, all the symptoms y'all identified as cured -- you feel as if it's gone, their very limited tests can't tell if there's any left, but the research clearly shows that unless you get X amount built up, it will continue.
You made a choice, laid a bet. Go with it. You HAD to do six sessions, quit beating yourself up. Emotions only a side-effect.
You my friend are doing GREAT. Now it's done. You can FEEL the cancer gone, their tests find the cancer gone, and most important, we humans involved followed our brains and did what needed to be done!
YAY Chris... keep on!