...fear...not!

I awoke to more realizations about what I want in my life and how to go on to the next chapter. I believe one of the keenest lessons I have gotten through involves fear. For many years, I have manifested my fears. Certainly without intention to do so. But my focus on the fears and energy invested in them helped to create them. I let that shit go when I got into the treatment aspects of stage IV ovarian cancer. Now, on the other side...or getting there, I have the opportunity to rise up a notch and continue on living my life consciously aware of fear and consciously pushing it aside when it rears itself into my life.

This morning, I got at some phonecalls involving bills and such. I also called the yoga for chemo patients course instructor. We spoke at length because as it turns out, the sessions offered are about to end and there will be no new course until September! Sad. I put off going until I felt better, frankly because adding another drive or two to Camillus during each week felt like too much. Well, the option to do so will be gone after June 4th. So, I do hope to make it to one or two of the classes before they conclude. The instructor told me about an exercise class that I may wish to learn more about, and I shall today. She also spoke to me about how long I might expect the chemo to remain in me...or how long til it is completely gone. Her literature states that if I had chemo over the course of 18 weeks, which is the case, it may take that many weeks until I am free of it. Ok. A concrete notion to contend with. I know myself to be strong and tenacious. I hope to feel it out of me via diet and detoxing, but I need to learn more about these this week.

Back to fear. I am strongly aware of the fact that fear stops people from living with vitality. Thinking ahead and fearing a shortage, for example, provokes people to say no to wondrous opportunities for joy. After facing death's doorstep head on, I am not willing to be a fear-based thinker. Amen. I realize it will try to gain footage, but I hope my brain and experiences and wisdom will prevent it - fear - from having much of an impact on decisions. I have always made practical decisions and like that about myself. I do not lean toward extravagance nor do I base my identity on obvious status symbols. My accomplishments and ability to retain spiritual lessons have far more bearing on my life and choices. With that said, the accomplishments do not necessarily fall into the same categories as most folks do. I will add that the accomplishment of bravely going through all that I have to be ovarian cancer free constitutes one of the best I have ever encountered or endured. Now to take my worn down body and rebuild it, lovingly, and to determine what is the best next on my life agenda is where I am at.

I have been having a strong, strong draw to go see the places in nature that I am aware of and have wanted to see. These are largely in National Parks. I have given serious thought to selling my house and buying a small, older Toyota RV that will allow me to travel with Trooper, who after all, is part of my life. He adds work, but I committed to him years ago. I could take a block of time, unbeknownst and non-rigid, and allow myself to see that which will nourish my soul. I am not fearful of my ability to do so alone, although that is not at all my preference. But today, here and now, my preference is in embracing the fact I got the chance to live on. I know that the ability to do some of the things I want to is finite, for it is dictated by years of age and physical conditions. And physical conditions are effected by weather, for example. I know that the harsh central New York winters hurt my body. So that is on my mind. I want to honor myself and dreams...but there is more to this whole dilemma.

I'm about to call for a job interview here....I tested quite well a long time ago, over a year and a half, for two different civil servant positions. I have been canvassed for one opportunity. I will go give it my best. But the truth appears to be ageism in hiring is an unspoken aspect to contend with. So, I can go give it my best, and accept the outcome may be no offer of work. I thank the spirits I feel talented enough to go get myself to a place I want to stay and to then find my niche...my way to earn a living. I intend to go back to mediation, which allows me to help others to help themselves. I have other job possibilities in my old home region on the Northcoast. I have been trying to land employment here in some structured and secure environment to no avail for too long. Clearly there are reasons for me to still be here and getting great cancer treatment is one of them, but I simply cannot sit here without work any longer. Once well enough, something must give. And that give may force me to become braver in many ways.

My heart and mind know what my truths are...what matters most. I have had plenty of time to devote to contemplating such things while undergoing chemo and the aftermath of it's ability to kill off cancer. I am truly worn down now, weaker than perhaps ever physically, but mentally, I am ready to make my dreams come true.

With that said, fear can rest it's cap, for it has shaded me far too long. I now know what it feels like to get over it...to push thoughts aside that are fear-based, to be at peace from within, and to dream of what I want to manifest next.

With that spirit, let me see if I do or do not have the strength to get out there and mow my property. Even if it is one section at a time. The grass is way taller than any other neighbor and I simply did not have the time to tackle the mowing last Tuesday when I was undoing the trip, and otherwise readying myself for the last chemo. So it is two weeks tall and with rain threatening, I see the importance of getting out there and at least trying. Sadly, as I look out, I see it is misting. I have to hope this will work out. And this is when my frustration gets the best of me. I had no way to do this any previous day. Today, it is a marginal possibility. But perhaps the weather is not going to allow me. I shall have to accept the limits presented with the situation.