It seems I am leaving the cancer identity behind, such that I ever truly took it on. I have all but forgotten about the blog. I know my last labs showed blood slowly making its way to normal and I feel blessed that I have only had herpes outbreaks on my face, but no infections throughout the journey.
Since my last post, much has happened. I did have a freakish bout of sharp pains in my abdomen in late July that were so unbearable and disconcerting that I went to the ER. After hours of waiting and tests and then a CT scan done prior to when it would have been, nothing pointed to why the pain that debilitated me for about 10 hours suddenly departed. The CT scan showed nothing, which is great news. I'll leave this topic aside...
I had my 55th birthday and it was truly a wonderful day that could not have gone much better than it did. I love thinking back on it because not all birthdays end up memorable or filled with love, but this one did. Ed must take full responsibility for how great it was, from the cake being exactly what I would have gotten myself, to him suggesting we take it to my mom's to have her share in the celebration...then a road trip to Lewiston to see Buddy Guy after an opening act I had never seen nor heard of, Robert Randolf and the Family Band, then crossing into Canada and checking into a motel nearby the strollpath to the falls. I thoroughly enjoyed walking with Ed along the path, under the Rainbow Bridge (scary for me with my thing about bridges), and further, with a rare passerby and the entire scene essentially to ourselves. The next day was wonderful too...ahh...I truly love thinking back to that trip...
The RV has varied problems that are proving difficult to take care of and there are times I feel very worn down about it. I hope that the list I just made doesn't continue to make my head spin in overwhelm, while I still have big projects on the house that must be done soon. I hope to be able to stain the deck soon...weather has been too wet to allow, and I have concerns about the solvents in the stain. Rather than make another to-do list here, let's just say that I feel like I have more to do than is possible and that although cancer has adjusted my perspective, I still get nervous and sometimes worried. I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I have some ideas, but am not sure the sequence in which they must occur. And then there is the whole business of where I am going to be living this fall and winter. Holidays alone are no longer gonna cut it for me. I have a drive to make life be more fulfilling...we shall see.
To that end, I have a part time job. I am a caregiver to a six year old autistic child 2-3 afternoons a week. She and I connected immediately and although she cannot be unattended at all, doesn't use hardly any words and uses diapers, I find the job mostly rewarding and one in which I learn. I am very tired afterwards, by and large. I end up walking a lot...to the park with the child, up and down flights of stairs at the house and then being on fully...well, it is these times, after work, that I recall I am not recovered from the chemo yet. Not fully myself...So, a job while trying to handle maintenance on the house, empty rooms (not my strength), add to the pile for the sale that I had best have very soon, deal with readying the rv for travel, and it is no wonder that I have been feeling not-so-balanced.
There is so much more to say...I feel keenly aware of what living healthily would look like and am close...but the uneasiness with the to-do list, the uncertainties of other important aspects of my life, and the fact time seems to be zipping by, have me concerned. I'm not tripping out, but am often up too late reading all I can on the internet, as I attempt to learn one of my least favorite ways about things I really have no experience with. I just halted writing this to skip over to the Toyota RV Motorhome forum to post an outreach to any Central New Yorker who may be willing to come teach me some of the stuff I need to know...which felt productive. I also need to reply to some clist folks who are seeking housing that sounds like mine.
So, yeah, life is fully going on. I seek balance. I am one day away from going to the dentist and getting my teeth cleaned and that is a very exciting sign I am nearly 3 months post chemo. Oh, did I mention that my hair is growing in nicely? Let me end this post and head to bed by sharing a true story:
Last week I was shopping at a local health food store. They were having samples and sales and I was in there longer than I had planned. A woman approached me and said, "I love your hair!" My immediate and sincere response was, "Oh, thank you! I do, too! It's grown long enough to be noticeable!" The stranger's face told me she did not know, as I had assumed, that I was a cancer patient, blah, blah, blah. Upon realizing this, I explained my having completed chemo and the fact that the heat of summer had me ditch the wig a while ago and how I realized the joy of having such short hair in the summertime of CNY. The woman immediately asked if I was ok, and I was happy to elaborate on that, too. She concluded our interaction by telling me how she sincerely had no idea it wasn't cut the way it was purposefully and how good it looks. Wow! It was a make-my-day kind of interaction, for sure.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Post cancer amped to live...I guess it just alienates me
While laying around during chemo times and looking forward to life after cancer, I imagined doing this and doing that...all positive things that would have me living, fully. I think going through what I did and having success has left me amped up...and wanting to do as much as possible.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
10 days later...(draft) with current happenings added
It's been scorching hot here lately, and that means it is harder to accomplish as much as I would like on a given day, but I have been continuing to accomplish more and more while my blood counts head toward normal and my hair continues to come in. I no longer bother wearing a wig these days, at least not unless it seems important for me to do so. I feel comfortable being comfortable as opposed to sitting in a wig that is not like my own hair at all, dripping in sweat, which is what happens when it is over 90 degrees. It feels great to have full eyebrows and a cover of soft stubble hair.
Meanwhile, I thought I would share a mishap of lates. I have gotten cold sores, aka herpes, on my face since childhood. Last week I got a small cluster of three cold sores above the right side of my lip. I had some strong reasons why I really wanted it to go away quickly...so I took the valcyclovir tablets both morning and night...with no visible results. A friend mentioned using raw garlic on the site, so I read a little on the internet and gave it a try. It burned when I taped it on, which I took to mean it was killing the virus, as I had read. Note to self: if it sounds too good to be true, it likely is! I thought: all these years and I could have killed the virus with garlic? Well let me do so now. So, after removing the tape and noticing the cold sores were no longer puffy, they were flattened and smaller, I thought it might be wise to do it again...and again...and again...and...well, to cut to the chase, I kept it on the area and the virus, visual as new cold sores, seemed to spread and shrink up, and I was going with the above-mentioned theory. I thought I was killing it off and under that context, it seemed as though it spreading as it tried to live made sense. I also applied tea tree oil on the area the second day of this treatment modal that I was undertaking. That recommendation came from the internet, and after all I was doing it differently this time.
I have now abandoned the experiment after two and a half days. My face is burned. There are numerous cold sores, some flattened and perhaps dying, perhaps shrunken for having been burned. I have never seen my upper lip area so bad in my life. The experiment appears to be a poor choice. And I shall take note that when something burns on application, one needn't buck up and endure....one should take heed and stop. Damn. Such a simple and sensible rule.
This was written and saved as a draft four days ago. I can report that applying aloe vera seemed to help, the paper thin scab came off last night and today, and there is now no signs of virus, although the skin is pinkish. I am applying aloe. At this point, I wonder if there will be some miraculous outcome...as in no more cold sores in that area again. If that came to be, I would feel as though the theory I held was true...however, I am told it is not possible. Time will tell. For now, getting the area healed is the goal.
I am in the process of accomplishing a lot on a daily basis as I clean, clean, sort, make choices and work on the rv that will be used to go to CA. I will see Dr. Puc this week, and we will discuss new labwork, and other post cancer topics. I long to get my teeth cleaned, but given my low blood counts, I think that would not be prudent without her clearance. TBR...
Noteworthy for any who know me, in the summertime in CNY, there are many music events to chose from. Earlier in the month, Ed and I saw Starship (with one member from the late 70's), then the excellent Doobie Brothers, then we saw the New Riders of the Purple Sage last week and I always love them. Last night, a special day marking a year ago I made a new dear friend who I grew very close to and with, we went to see Furthur, featuring Bob Weir and Phil Lesh of the ol' Grateful Dead. The show was in Canandaigua, a Finger Lakes venue that I have grown to love and appreciate over the past few years. As it turns out, one of the strangest things ever occurred. Pounding rain began pouring down during the show and I could see lightning in the background. We had great seats under the cover of the pavilion and yet the rain misted on us as it poured hard. The band had taken a long intermission during which the stranger next to me and I began talking after she admired my shirt. Turns out she and her spouse, vendors and Furthur followers, were from CA and she specifically mentioned Arcata...small world realities...but Furthur returned to stage and began playing their second set and about four songs or one long song into it, Phil read an announcement and said they were told to leave the stage. I hoped it was a joke, but he returned to say that there was lightening threatening and that we were asked to go to our cars, get in them and drive away. I still feel some of the shock...we were loving the show, loving being together...and it was...poof - over! As we walked out, it was not raining. I was trying to rationalize...wishing I was operations manager...stating they made the wrong call. And they did. It did not rain again during the next hour we sat in the car enjoying our salad and our desert balls made of nut butters, cocoa powder and honey...
Dissappintments and making do's aside, we made the best of the rest of the evening and I slept well. Today had me doing for the rv afternoon and evening. Cleaning, washing, cleaning, washing, figuring out solutions to problems and reading blogs on Toyota Rv's. We began talking about routes, stops, time tables, desires, needs and possible resolutions. The conversation will continue. Meanwhile, I also got to talk and sing with Chloe on the phone this evening. Our bond is incredible. I have sung to her since she was a baby. Now, she sings, I sing...and when it is time for goodbye, she is too sensitive and has endured too much of that in her young life that she doesn't like to go there. So, when she would not say goodbye, I began to sing....♪♪ looovvveeee youuuuuuuuu ♪♪♫ and she sang loveeeee youuuuuu, Nana ♪♪♫ and back and forth this went.
All the sadness, discomforts and questions in my life are erased when I feel the bond with that small child who shares my blood, disposition, likes and more. I cannot wait to see her...and to hold her close.
I'm getting closer to taking the PET/CT scans (pushed off till next month when it will be three months post chemo!!), and thereafter will have confirmation I remain cancer free...I daily move further from the cancer patient identity.
I am grateful, deep down, strong and long, for so many of my friends and the role they had in my road to wellness. Frequent, thoughtful contact, cards, donations, visits, rides, drop-offs, phone calls, messages...you know who you are...and if you provided support, you can bet that I have not forgotten. Be kind and thoughtful to yourself, too, child of the universe...your kindnesses live on as gratitude and joy with a fantastic outcome.
Meanwhile, I thought I would share a mishap of lates. I have gotten cold sores, aka herpes, on my face since childhood. Last week I got a small cluster of three cold sores above the right side of my lip. I had some strong reasons why I really wanted it to go away quickly...so I took the valcyclovir tablets both morning and night...with no visible results. A friend mentioned using raw garlic on the site, so I read a little on the internet and gave it a try. It burned when I taped it on, which I took to mean it was killing the virus, as I had read. Note to self: if it sounds too good to be true, it likely is! I thought: all these years and I could have killed the virus with garlic? Well let me do so now. So, after removing the tape and noticing the cold sores were no longer puffy, they were flattened and smaller, I thought it might be wise to do it again...and again...and again...and...well, to cut to the chase, I kept it on the area and the virus, visual as new cold sores, seemed to spread and shrink up, and I was going with the above-mentioned theory. I thought I was killing it off and under that context, it seemed as though it spreading as it tried to live made sense. I also applied tea tree oil on the area the second day of this treatment modal that I was undertaking. That recommendation came from the internet, and after all I was doing it differently this time.
I have now abandoned the experiment after two and a half days. My face is burned. There are numerous cold sores, some flattened and perhaps dying, perhaps shrunken for having been burned. I have never seen my upper lip area so bad in my life. The experiment appears to be a poor choice. And I shall take note that when something burns on application, one needn't buck up and endure....one should take heed and stop. Damn. Such a simple and sensible rule.
This was written and saved as a draft four days ago. I can report that applying aloe vera seemed to help, the paper thin scab came off last night and today, and there is now no signs of virus, although the skin is pinkish. I am applying aloe. At this point, I wonder if there will be some miraculous outcome...as in no more cold sores in that area again. If that came to be, I would feel as though the theory I held was true...however, I am told it is not possible. Time will tell. For now, getting the area healed is the goal.
I am in the process of accomplishing a lot on a daily basis as I clean, clean, sort, make choices and work on the rv that will be used to go to CA. I will see Dr. Puc this week, and we will discuss new labwork, and other post cancer topics. I long to get my teeth cleaned, but given my low blood counts, I think that would not be prudent without her clearance. TBR...
Noteworthy for any who know me, in the summertime in CNY, there are many music events to chose from. Earlier in the month, Ed and I saw Starship (with one member from the late 70's), then the excellent Doobie Brothers, then we saw the New Riders of the Purple Sage last week and I always love them. Last night, a special day marking a year ago I made a new dear friend who I grew very close to and with, we went to see Furthur, featuring Bob Weir and Phil Lesh of the ol' Grateful Dead. The show was in Canandaigua, a Finger Lakes venue that I have grown to love and appreciate over the past few years. As it turns out, one of the strangest things ever occurred. Pounding rain began pouring down during the show and I could see lightning in the background. We had great seats under the cover of the pavilion and yet the rain misted on us as it poured hard. The band had taken a long intermission during which the stranger next to me and I began talking after she admired my shirt. Turns out she and her spouse, vendors and Furthur followers, were from CA and she specifically mentioned Arcata...small world realities...but Furthur returned to stage and began playing their second set and about four songs or one long song into it, Phil read an announcement and said they were told to leave the stage. I hoped it was a joke, but he returned to say that there was lightening threatening and that we were asked to go to our cars, get in them and drive away. I still feel some of the shock...we were loving the show, loving being together...and it was...poof - over! As we walked out, it was not raining. I was trying to rationalize...wishing I was operations manager...stating they made the wrong call. And they did. It did not rain again during the next hour we sat in the car enjoying our salad and our desert balls made of nut butters, cocoa powder and honey...
Dissappintments and making do's aside, we made the best of the rest of the evening and I slept well. Today had me doing for the rv afternoon and evening. Cleaning, washing, cleaning, washing, figuring out solutions to problems and reading blogs on Toyota Rv's. We began talking about routes, stops, time tables, desires, needs and possible resolutions. The conversation will continue. Meanwhile, I also got to talk and sing with Chloe on the phone this evening. Our bond is incredible. I have sung to her since she was a baby. Now, she sings, I sing...and when it is time for goodbye, she is too sensitive and has endured too much of that in her young life that she doesn't like to go there. So, when she would not say goodbye, I began to sing....♪♪ looovvveeee youuuuuuuuu ♪♪♫ and she sang loveeeee youuuuuu, Nana ♪♪♫ and back and forth this went.
All the sadness, discomforts and questions in my life are erased when I feel the bond with that small child who shares my blood, disposition, likes and more. I cannot wait to see her...and to hold her close.
I'm getting closer to taking the PET/CT scans (pushed off till next month when it will be three months post chemo!!), and thereafter will have confirmation I remain cancer free...I daily move further from the cancer patient identity.
I am grateful, deep down, strong and long, for so many of my friends and the role they had in my road to wellness. Frequent, thoughtful contact, cards, donations, visits, rides, drop-offs, phone calls, messages...you know who you are...and if you provided support, you can bet that I have not forgotten. Be kind and thoughtful to yourself, too, child of the universe...your kindnesses live on as gratitude and joy with a fantastic outcome.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
...currently...
Lot's going on...my hair is growing notably on a daily basis. The very light, blondish grayish, soft fledgling down-like hair is now competing with brown hair that is coming in. My eyebrows had completely fallen out after the sixth chemo took it's toll. Completely. And I was startled each time I looked in the mirror. I tried drawing some in, one stroke as a hair at a time, but never liked how it looked. The eyebrows are really doing well now! I think that within a week they may be full length hairs; time will tell if I am too hopeful on this, as I am on many things. I often forget I am still healing from the chemo...restoring...renewing...seeking balance.
I took the time today to follow the link from my email to the Hematology Oncology website and to my lab results. The blood work had been off in many ways last time. The sixth chemo had furthered the off-balancedness, for lack of better words. Today I referenced the letters and at least had a better sense of what is still off. Several things are still off, the easiest to recall are the white blood count and the red blood count, both off, but closer to being within the normal range than last time. It is a process and I now realize that I need to remember I am vulnerable to infection and need to take better care, be more aware as I carry forth each day. I have a mess of a garage floor to handle and a host of items to go through in my basement. And then there's...and ...and...yeah, it is starting to feel overwhelming the number of projects and repairs on my plate...waiting to happen.
I'm glad I digested where I am at...so that I stay true to my own self-respect and take good care of myself. Today, after reading my labs and also reading about my blood type and foods best suited to me, I made a point of hunkering down. I feel it necessary to eliminate wheat at this point and perhaps it will become a new norm. I read that I am especially vulnerable to inflammation when eating wheat and it rings as truth. Dang. On the other hand, eating 12 ounces of spinach today no doubt was good for my body. I need to hydrate up and keep the veggies going in and little sweetness, be it melon or carrots. It's time to feel my dieting is back on track, at least I hope that is true. As I write this and recall my chemo nurse's voice, I feel less sure. I think she told me to wait a couple of months to begin to lose weight, but I feel ready. The weather is hot and sticky when it is not raining. I have felt inflammation for a while. Today, after not eating anything but a small piece of org. cantaloupe and then org. spinach fried in a small amount of org. coconut oil and org. onion with a small amount of grated cheese, I feel less inflamed. If this continues, it will be easy enough to make a shift to eating right for my body because I do recall how good I felt when I altered my diet strictly in November after discovering I had cancer. I deviated...and it is amazing how carb's create a desire...a craving for more.
A friend mentioned my lack of writing here, thus I wanted to write a post that describes recent changes. I will update and speak more about diet. I do strongly believe it is vital I eat healthily, vital I shed some excess weight, vital I exercise, vital I have loving, healthy relationships, vital I maintain peace of mind and sometimes it takes great reflection to do so.
I go to bed now, nearing 1 am, ready to rest well and to awaken with peace of mind and the determination to tackle an ever-growing list. Tomorrow, I shall go to the Vitamin C infusion that was scheduled because the doctor wanted me to have them through July, but I intend to be cancel the others. So...I had better be prepared to not forget to take the supplements I need, to ingest plenty of fresh organic produce, and to drink plenty of water, herbal teas, and lemon water.
I took the time today to follow the link from my email to the Hematology Oncology website and to my lab results. The blood work had been off in many ways last time. The sixth chemo had furthered the off-balancedness, for lack of better words. Today I referenced the letters and at least had a better sense of what is still off. Several things are still off, the easiest to recall are the white blood count and the red blood count, both off, but closer to being within the normal range than last time. It is a process and I now realize that I need to remember I am vulnerable to infection and need to take better care, be more aware as I carry forth each day. I have a mess of a garage floor to handle and a host of items to go through in my basement. And then there's...and ...and...yeah, it is starting to feel overwhelming the number of projects and repairs on my plate...waiting to happen.
I'm glad I digested where I am at...so that I stay true to my own self-respect and take good care of myself. Today, after reading my labs and also reading about my blood type and foods best suited to me, I made a point of hunkering down. I feel it necessary to eliminate wheat at this point and perhaps it will become a new norm. I read that I am especially vulnerable to inflammation when eating wheat and it rings as truth. Dang. On the other hand, eating 12 ounces of spinach today no doubt was good for my body. I need to hydrate up and keep the veggies going in and little sweetness, be it melon or carrots. It's time to feel my dieting is back on track, at least I hope that is true. As I write this and recall my chemo nurse's voice, I feel less sure. I think she told me to wait a couple of months to begin to lose weight, but I feel ready. The weather is hot and sticky when it is not raining. I have felt inflammation for a while. Today, after not eating anything but a small piece of org. cantaloupe and then org. spinach fried in a small amount of org. coconut oil and org. onion with a small amount of grated cheese, I feel less inflamed. If this continues, it will be easy enough to make a shift to eating right for my body because I do recall how good I felt when I altered my diet strictly in November after discovering I had cancer. I deviated...and it is amazing how carb's create a desire...a craving for more.
A friend mentioned my lack of writing here, thus I wanted to write a post that describes recent changes. I will update and speak more about diet. I do strongly believe it is vital I eat healthily, vital I shed some excess weight, vital I exercise, vital I have loving, healthy relationships, vital I maintain peace of mind and sometimes it takes great reflection to do so.
I go to bed now, nearing 1 am, ready to rest well and to awaken with peace of mind and the determination to tackle an ever-growing list. Tomorrow, I shall go to the Vitamin C infusion that was scheduled because the doctor wanted me to have them through July, but I intend to be cancel the others. So...I had better be prepared to not forget to take the supplements I need, to ingest plenty of fresh organic produce, and to drink plenty of water, herbal teas, and lemon water.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
...growing...shortening of days & patient-like feelings
The Solstice has passed and thus the days are shortening in length...not too fast, but it is nonetheless so. Additionally, I find my feeling tied to cancer, treatment, and a patient-persona is shortening, too...at an exponentially rapid clip. The more I do, the better I feel, it seems. I'm getting pretty active, biking, walking, doing, and sometimes I need a day of rest afterwards, but it sure feels great to be fully living!
I'm infusing with Vitamin C as I write. As it stands, I committed to one more dose. I did not get to interview for state DMV job, although that seemed like it was going to happen. I'm looking for agreeable part-time work, just to keep life going, but nothing yet. Meanwhile, a trip across the country is in the planning stages. I recognize myself at a crossroad, but am consciously not tripping about the work, decisions, pace or unknowns.
Life has felt rich and full lately. Although there is no question the residuals of cancer-conquer treatment are evident...visibly as wig-worn wig-wearing and drawn on brows, if I want to sport brows. In the humid heat, my wig is an irritant at best. I leave it on for others' comfort, certainly not my own. The mirror is a smack-like reminder of what I've just gone through, but otherwise, the chapter is drawing to a close...because I feel and think as a patient less and less.
As for my head, once fully bald without any traces of hair, it is now covered in a soft, fledgling-like downy soft, mostly light grayish hair, the likes of which I have never seen. There is also a dark, coarse hair stubble coming in. I see more of each daily and am excited beyond belief. And although two weeks after chemo six I lost almost all of my eyebrows and lashes, the brows are now growing in! I will update about this. For those of us who have been chosen to get on the well-side to cancer, hair return is a significant component. I am eager, however, as has been the case with each step of cancer treatment, cancer coping, the opportunity to enhance one's patience is intrinsic. Wow...just checked my arms and I see that they too are growing hair. Praise be!
In this getting-past-treatment portion of overcoming Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, I feel increased stamina and a mind going full-tilt-boogie with ideas. Is this the consequence of laying through post-chemos? I seem to be robustly wanting to do summerish doings like a thirsty horse!
I'm also spending at least an hour a day researching health, the scientific data on gmo's, where to get clean food (not really as easy as one might hope given the lax laws and corporate trends to please the growing demand for organic foods in a probably deceptive way). I spoke at length w a local truly organic farmer yesterday and learned quite a bit. For those who can, it is certainly safest to buy from a known organic farmer than to rely on corporate stores...who are putting out organic spring mix in plastic boxes and the stuff lasts weeks...which scares me. The topic of food as what we feed our bodies, our selves, is intuitively a top-of-the-list topic. The list of diseases that are becoming more and more common grows while animal-testing of animals fed GMO foods is showing, with statistical significance, that inflammation of intestines and bowels results in these poor animals. If one stops to think of inflammation-caused human diseases that are root-caused by diet....well, for me personally, ignorance is shrinking, awareness is up, and recognizing the importance of due-diligence is paramount. So, after I leave my infusion, it's to the local small-guy natural grocer with a wealth of knowledge as a bonus, for some food for health, with peace of mind. This topic, clean food and it's role in health and well-being, shall be expanded on in a future post. To say I feel strongly is not an overstatement. I know with my gut, brain and being that ignorance does not lead to bliss when it comes down to the nitty-gritty.
I get to live on....without cancer infesting and consuming me. I take it both seriously, as in with responsibility, and lightly, as in with light and love and glee blazing the trail of decisions on a given day. Make it a blessed day, full of gratitude...that is what I shall be doing!
I'm infusing with Vitamin C as I write. As it stands, I committed to one more dose. I did not get to interview for state DMV job, although that seemed like it was going to happen. I'm looking for agreeable part-time work, just to keep life going, but nothing yet. Meanwhile, a trip across the country is in the planning stages. I recognize myself at a crossroad, but am consciously not tripping about the work, decisions, pace or unknowns.
Life has felt rich and full lately. Although there is no question the residuals of cancer-conquer treatment are evident...visibly as wig-worn wig-wearing and drawn on brows, if I want to sport brows. In the humid heat, my wig is an irritant at best. I leave it on for others' comfort, certainly not my own. The mirror is a smack-like reminder of what I've just gone through, but otherwise, the chapter is drawing to a close...because I feel and think as a patient less and less.
As for my head, once fully bald without any traces of hair, it is now covered in a soft, fledgling-like downy soft, mostly light grayish hair, the likes of which I have never seen. There is also a dark, coarse hair stubble coming in. I see more of each daily and am excited beyond belief. And although two weeks after chemo six I lost almost all of my eyebrows and lashes, the brows are now growing in! I will update about this. For those of us who have been chosen to get on the well-side to cancer, hair return is a significant component. I am eager, however, as has been the case with each step of cancer treatment, cancer coping, the opportunity to enhance one's patience is intrinsic. Wow...just checked my arms and I see that they too are growing hair. Praise be!
In this getting-past-treatment portion of overcoming Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, I feel increased stamina and a mind going full-tilt-boogie with ideas. Is this the consequence of laying through post-chemos? I seem to be robustly wanting to do summerish doings like a thirsty horse!
I'm also spending at least an hour a day researching health, the scientific data on gmo's, where to get clean food (not really as easy as one might hope given the lax laws and corporate trends to please the growing demand for organic foods in a probably deceptive way). I spoke at length w a local truly organic farmer yesterday and learned quite a bit. For those who can, it is certainly safest to buy from a known organic farmer than to rely on corporate stores...who are putting out organic spring mix in plastic boxes and the stuff lasts weeks...which scares me. The topic of food as what we feed our bodies, our selves, is intuitively a top-of-the-list topic. The list of diseases that are becoming more and more common grows while animal-testing of animals fed GMO foods is showing, with statistical significance, that inflammation of intestines and bowels results in these poor animals. If one stops to think of inflammation-caused human diseases that are root-caused by diet....well, for me personally, ignorance is shrinking, awareness is up, and recognizing the importance of due-diligence is paramount. So, after I leave my infusion, it's to the local small-guy natural grocer with a wealth of knowledge as a bonus, for some food for health, with peace of mind. This topic, clean food and it's role in health and well-being, shall be expanded on in a future post. To say I feel strongly is not an overstatement. I know with my gut, brain and being that ignorance does not lead to bliss when it comes down to the nitty-gritty.
I get to live on....without cancer infesting and consuming me. I take it both seriously, as in with responsibility, and lightly, as in with light and love and glee blazing the trail of decisions on a given day. Make it a blessed day, full of gratitude...that is what I shall be doing!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Realizations
I have recognized myself as cursed with hope...I mean it has been my middle name since birth and I like to blame that as the primary reason I have so much hope so often, despite there being little reason to some of the time, while other times, I am hopeful and there are all kinds of reasons to be. The outcomes do not seem to be effected by hope, although I may pay more attention and see if there is any pattern.
I have not written lately which may be correctly interpreted as I have felt better and better and gotten out more and more. I felt such an improvement in stamina after the Vitamin C infusion of May 31 that it made me more certain than ever that it has helped me a lot during this journey to the other side of cancer. I have researched and decided on an organic food based oral vitamin c with probiotics and many mushroom extracts I had read much favorable data about. I found a great price and ordered myself what is needed to keep a high level of antioxidant C in my body. My job for the rest of my life is to eat healthily and to treat my body as I truly believe it should be treated...the place I get to reside in if I keep it healthy enough. I'm eating sprouted chia powder seeds in yogurt or salad or something daily. I love various sprouts and enjoy those, organic greens, no sugar...alkaline fruits...and as consecutive days of clean, healthy eating have built up, I notice I feel better. When situations force deviation, I do not feel as well. The more I have read, the more evidence I have learned of pointing to diet and it's role in health. So, so many diseases that are becoming statistically normal can be caused by poor diet...a typical American diet...laden with processed, gmo-grown, pesticide ridden foods, laced with "vitamin" fortification that is as good as a myth, and I find it haneous that standard doctors do not often advise patients to change their diet radically to overcome obstacles.
I am now paying attention to a lot more with my body, and to such things as my nose running. Without nose hairs, any fluid runs quickly down and out...just reality for now. Yesterday, the car I was in stopped in a parking lot and my nose began to run like a faucet. My friend asked if it was allergies, and I did not know what to say, since I have no allergies. But, as we walked away from the fresh pavement, the running stopped and I realized, the fresh tar with it's petrochemical emissions was the culprit. My body has been broken down and it is in the slow process of being rebuilt. I am certain that being in the most healthy environment possible is what I need. And I crave it.
One of my favorite days in a long while happened last week when I walked to Great Gully Falls...down the creek bed, no noises but nature...and the chill of the water in between my toes, which eventually did not feel chilly. I felt so in tune and in love with life. And love filled my being to my core. I remain grateful for such spots. It has been no secret to anyone who knows me that I yearn for the countryside in California from time to time, particularly so when I was coping with chemo. I also like summers here, when they feel like summer. The long days are always appreciated, but of course, warmth and sunshine after brutal winters are what create some sense of balance. And so far, this summer season is off to a wet and not very sunny start. Last June, in contrast, was full of warmth and sunshine and I was out enjoying. I hope that the rain will subside and a summer that allows outdoor adventure will emerge. Solstice is coming up and I always get out in nature to honor the day and life. My vision has been to canoe...we shall see.
We shall see is the new mantra. I have so many wondrous ideas...the spirit of adventure is alive in me as is a robust zest for life and living it to the fullest. The importance of love and nurturing are so strong and so greatly appreciated. I have been fortunate enough to experience these two vital aspects of life for many months now. Facing emptiness...a void of such again for any period of time seems too much to ask of my soul. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and have thought deeply. I have faced my fears, my demons, my desires, my necessities...and believe the crossroad I am at to be one of the most important ever. I am working slowly at the list that grows as I check things off. I remember several times daily: I get to live!!!! I have successfully gone and grown through chemo treatment after debulking surgery and am now free of the ovarian cancer that had run rampant in my peritoneal area. But I embraced it, I did not fear...I fully and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve cancer-free status and I also believed that my angel person, whose love lifted me past many obstacles in the recent past, would be with me to enjoy life after the lingering aspects of chemo subsided. Shared visions and goals...can not be assumed, though. It is a giant gift when love is cherished by each who feel it and held in a place of paramount importance. No matter what, I must go forward and care for myself. I know what I want most. Most. I have come to see love as the most important thing in one's life...and wise, informed and heart-felt choices must accompany for a full rich life. I want a full rich life. I will work hard to contribute to my dream of such. That is a dream I shall not drop...and yet there is a balance between being in the now, having healthy dreams, being wedded to such, being flexible, patient and empathetic. I seek to maintain balance daily. Now is all there is...and dreams matter. Wow.
What going through the challenges of a Stage IV Ovarian cancer discovery through the process of ridding my body of it does to one's being is profound. Beyond words. I try to put words to the ways in which I feel differently about life, about going after what one knows to intensify joy, to maintain the vital things in life after facing death head-on...maybe for those who have not had such an opportunity it is not possible to understand. And there may be no universals on that...maybe each survivor after near death is changed in a different fashion, but I believe it likely all are changed. I am not done with the after effects of cancer and do not yet feel settled in spirit. Perhaps the process is lifelong...perhaps I am about to make a break-through....I hope for enhanced strength through difficulties that continue to plague...
It is times like this the serenity prayer feels so guiding...I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have not written lately which may be correctly interpreted as I have felt better and better and gotten out more and more. I felt such an improvement in stamina after the Vitamin C infusion of May 31 that it made me more certain than ever that it has helped me a lot during this journey to the other side of cancer. I have researched and decided on an organic food based oral vitamin c with probiotics and many mushroom extracts I had read much favorable data about. I found a great price and ordered myself what is needed to keep a high level of antioxidant C in my body. My job for the rest of my life is to eat healthily and to treat my body as I truly believe it should be treated...the place I get to reside in if I keep it healthy enough. I'm eating sprouted chia powder seeds in yogurt or salad or something daily. I love various sprouts and enjoy those, organic greens, no sugar...alkaline fruits...and as consecutive days of clean, healthy eating have built up, I notice I feel better. When situations force deviation, I do not feel as well. The more I have read, the more evidence I have learned of pointing to diet and it's role in health. So, so many diseases that are becoming statistically normal can be caused by poor diet...a typical American diet...laden with processed, gmo-grown, pesticide ridden foods, laced with "vitamin" fortification that is as good as a myth, and I find it haneous that standard doctors do not often advise patients to change their diet radically to overcome obstacles.
I am now paying attention to a lot more with my body, and to such things as my nose running. Without nose hairs, any fluid runs quickly down and out...just reality for now. Yesterday, the car I was in stopped in a parking lot and my nose began to run like a faucet. My friend asked if it was allergies, and I did not know what to say, since I have no allergies. But, as we walked away from the fresh pavement, the running stopped and I realized, the fresh tar with it's petrochemical emissions was the culprit. My body has been broken down and it is in the slow process of being rebuilt. I am certain that being in the most healthy environment possible is what I need. And I crave it.
One of my favorite days in a long while happened last week when I walked to Great Gully Falls...down the creek bed, no noises but nature...and the chill of the water in between my toes, which eventually did not feel chilly. I felt so in tune and in love with life. And love filled my being to my core. I remain grateful for such spots. It has been no secret to anyone who knows me that I yearn for the countryside in California from time to time, particularly so when I was coping with chemo. I also like summers here, when they feel like summer. The long days are always appreciated, but of course, warmth and sunshine after brutal winters are what create some sense of balance. And so far, this summer season is off to a wet and not very sunny start. Last June, in contrast, was full of warmth and sunshine and I was out enjoying. I hope that the rain will subside and a summer that allows outdoor adventure will emerge. Solstice is coming up and I always get out in nature to honor the day and life. My vision has been to canoe...we shall see.
We shall see is the new mantra. I have so many wondrous ideas...the spirit of adventure is alive in me as is a robust zest for life and living it to the fullest. The importance of love and nurturing are so strong and so greatly appreciated. I have been fortunate enough to experience these two vital aspects of life for many months now. Facing emptiness...a void of such again for any period of time seems too much to ask of my soul. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and have thought deeply. I have faced my fears, my demons, my desires, my necessities...and believe the crossroad I am at to be one of the most important ever. I am working slowly at the list that grows as I check things off. I remember several times daily: I get to live!!!! I have successfully gone and grown through chemo treatment after debulking surgery and am now free of the ovarian cancer that had run rampant in my peritoneal area. But I embraced it, I did not fear...I fully and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve cancer-free status and I also believed that my angel person, whose love lifted me past many obstacles in the recent past, would be with me to enjoy life after the lingering aspects of chemo subsided. Shared visions and goals...can not be assumed, though. It is a giant gift when love is cherished by each who feel it and held in a place of paramount importance. No matter what, I must go forward and care for myself. I know what I want most. Most. I have come to see love as the most important thing in one's life...and wise, informed and heart-felt choices must accompany for a full rich life. I want a full rich life. I will work hard to contribute to my dream of such. That is a dream I shall not drop...and yet there is a balance between being in the now, having healthy dreams, being wedded to such, being flexible, patient and empathetic. I seek to maintain balance daily. Now is all there is...and dreams matter. Wow.
What going through the challenges of a Stage IV Ovarian cancer discovery through the process of ridding my body of it does to one's being is profound. Beyond words. I try to put words to the ways in which I feel differently about life, about going after what one knows to intensify joy, to maintain the vital things in life after facing death head-on...maybe for those who have not had such an opportunity it is not possible to understand. And there may be no universals on that...maybe each survivor after near death is changed in a different fashion, but I believe it likely all are changed. I am not done with the after effects of cancer and do not yet feel settled in spirit. Perhaps the process is lifelong...perhaps I am about to make a break-through....I hope for enhanced strength through difficulties that continue to plague...
It is times like this the serenity prayer feels so guiding...I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday already!
I never returned to complete the blog on Friday. I went to get labs drawn, to confer with Dr. Puc, and to get a Vitamin C infusion. I felt fortunate that the luck of the draw got me the fellow I think the absolute best at inserting into or withdrawing from the port. He inserted, no pain, but had a very difficult time getting blood to flow. Tear rolled for me. That had to do with my sensitivities and continued difficulties. The bottom line was patience and coughing and breathing deep and patience and he got the three tubes of blood out. I then went in to see Dr. Puc. She and I talked about several things on my mind. I asked how long it would realistically take for me to have some hair...and although it varies, she thought three months should have me seeing and feeling and dealing with hair. Hooray! I now feel excited because I know that it is going to be fun to see my hair grow in. I am told it might come in a different consistency or with different body than previously seen. Ok, wonders I, does that mean I may have very straight hair about to come in? To be revealed...
Dr. Puc suggested I stay with Vitamin C through July if possible. I am not sure it will be, but I am scheduled through to the first week in July to get one treatment per week. And wow am I glad. After Friday's infusion, I felt better. By Saturday, I went out for a drive into the foothills of the Adirondacks and to a water fall. I walked further than in a long while and enjoyed thoroughly my time in nature. Thoroughly!! The water's sound, the clarity of the stream, the scenery around, the fact several others were there, yet I felt able to walk a short distance and be private, all were noticed and appreciated. By evening time, my knee hurt a lot and I could only imagine it was due to walking down hill to get to the falls.
Sunday the knee was even worse. It wouldn't bend. So I put the last of the mineral salts into the tub and ran a hot bath. I got in and ran the jets...one right on my knee. Afterwards, I sat and talked with Becky, who came to spend the day chatting with me. It was perfect. In the evening, after eating my dinner, my knee suddenly got much better. I was pleased, and tried to draw some conclusions. I wondered if when the knee began to hurt after the walk, it could be attributed to anything. No certainties could be associated with the pain.
I know that as I look back at last Friday and how I felt previously and how I have felt afterwards, it is clear the Vitamin C infusion boosted me up. I am eager to get in for next weeks infusion. I see now that without adding any more chemo and by continuing to infuse with Vitamin C, I am going to get my lousy blood numbers turned around and my vitality shall respond accordingly. Friday, my labs showed a body fighting hard...red cell counts, white...well actually, every category was either high or low. The results were the worst ever. But, as I eat and drink healthily and infuse with Vitamin C, I am getting past the negative side effects of beating stage IV ovarian cancer with chemotherapy. I am gleeful to wake up and see how I feel, and consciously note the difference between now and last week, for example. And so it is I ensure I shall be grateful for the progress that has come.
The weather plays a role in how I feel, too. When it is too hot and humid, I have less and limited energy. When, as is the case today, it is cooler and still sunny, I have a bounce in my step again.
Amen to how great it is to be feeling better daily, healing, and farther from the side effects of chemotherapy. Cheers to being on the other side of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer!
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