Realizations

I have recognized myself as cursed with hope...I mean it has been my middle name since birth and I like to blame that as the primary reason I have so much hope so often, despite there being little reason to some of the time, while other times, I am hopeful and there are all kinds of reasons to be. The outcomes do not seem to be effected by hope, although I may pay more attention and see if there is any pattern.

I have not written lately which may be correctly interpreted as I have felt better and better and gotten out more and more. I felt such an improvement in stamina after the Vitamin C infusion of May 31 that it made me more certain than ever that it has helped me a lot during this journey to the other side of cancer. I have researched and decided on an organic food based oral vitamin c with probiotics and many mushroom extracts I had read much favorable data about. I found a great price and ordered myself what is needed to keep a high level of antioxidant C in my body. My job for the rest of my life is to eat healthily and to treat my body as I truly believe it should be treated...the place I get to reside in if I keep it healthy enough. I'm eating sprouted chia powder seeds in yogurt or salad or something daily. I love various sprouts and enjoy those, organic greens, no sugar...alkaline fruits...and as consecutive days of clean, healthy eating have built up, I notice I feel better. When situations force deviation, I do not feel as well. The more I have read, the more evidence I have learned of pointing to diet and it's role in health. So, so many diseases that are becoming statistically normal can be caused by poor diet...a typical American diet...laden with processed, gmo-grown, pesticide ridden foods, laced with "vitamin" fortification that is as good as a myth, and I find it haneous that standard doctors do not often advise patients to change their diet radically to overcome obstacles.

I am now paying attention to a lot more with my body, and to such things as my nose running. Without nose hairs, any fluid runs quickly down and out...just reality for now. Yesterday, the car I was in stopped in a parking lot and my nose began to run like a faucet. My friend asked if it was allergies, and I did not know what to say, since I have no allergies. But, as we walked away from the fresh pavement, the running stopped and I realized, the fresh tar with it's petrochemical emissions was the culprit. My body has been broken down and it is in the slow process of being rebuilt. I am certain that being in the most healthy environment possible is what I need. And I crave it.

One of my favorite days in a long while happened last week when I walked to Great Gully Falls...down the creek bed, no noises but nature...and the chill of the water in between my toes, which eventually did not feel chilly. I felt so in tune and in love with life. And love filled my being to my core. I remain grateful for such spots. It has been no secret to anyone who knows me that I yearn for the countryside in California from time to time, particularly so when I was coping with chemo. I also like summers here, when they feel like summer. The long days are always appreciated, but of course, warmth and sunshine after brutal winters are what create some sense of balance. And so far, this summer season is off to a wet and not very sunny start. Last June, in contrast, was full of warmth and sunshine and I was out enjoying. I hope that the rain will subside and a summer that allows outdoor adventure will emerge. Solstice is coming up and I always get out in nature to honor the day and life. My vision has been to canoe...we shall see.

We shall see is the new mantra. I have so many wondrous ideas...the spirit of adventure is alive in me as is a robust zest for life and living it to the fullest. The importance of love and nurturing are so strong and so greatly appreciated. I have been fortunate enough to experience these two vital aspects of life for many months now. Facing emptiness...a void of such again for any period of time seems too much to ask of my soul. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and have thought deeply. I have faced my fears, my demons, my desires, my necessities...and believe the crossroad I am at to be one of the most important ever. I am working slowly at the list that grows as I check things off. I remember several times daily: I get to live!!!! I have successfully gone and grown through chemo treatment after debulking surgery and am now free of the ovarian cancer that had run rampant in my peritoneal area. But I embraced it, I did not fear...I fully and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve cancer-free status and I also believed that my angel person, whose love lifted me past many obstacles in the recent past, would be with me to enjoy life after the lingering aspects of chemo subsided. Shared visions and goals...can not be assumed, though. It is a giant gift when love is cherished by each who feel it and held in a place of paramount importance. No matter what, I must go forward and care for myself. I know what I want most.  Most. I have come to see love as the most important thing in one's life...and wise, informed and heart-felt choices must accompany for a full  rich life. I want a full rich life. I will work hard to contribute to my dream of such. That is a dream I shall not drop...and yet there is a balance between being in the now, having healthy dreams, being wedded to such, being flexible, patient and empathetic. I seek to maintain balance daily. Now is all there is...and dreams matter. Wow.

What going through the challenges of a Stage IV Ovarian cancer discovery through the process of ridding my body of it does to one's being is profound. Beyond words. I try to put words to the ways in which I feel differently about life, about going after what one knows to intensify joy, to maintain the vital things in life after facing death head-on...maybe for those who have not had such an opportunity it is not possible to understand. And there may be no universals on that...maybe each survivor after near death is changed in a different fashion, but I believe it likely all are changed. I am not done with the after effects of cancer and do not yet feel settled in spirit. Perhaps the process is lifelong...perhaps I am about to make a break-through....I hope for enhanced strength through difficulties that continue to plague...

It is times like this the serenity prayer feels so guiding...I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.