I'm almost half way through todays two and a half hour IVC infusion. The ascorbic acid mixed with sterile water & a small amount of magnesium is covered with a paper bag my granddaughter colored for me to use. It's got a big tree with a heart on it on one side and rainbows all over the other. She & I love to do artwork together. She's coming over tonight and I look forward to shared projects over the weekend. We are likely to garden on the lovely side yard out the kitchen slider. I also hope we will hit the beach to gather more pretty rocks to run in the tumbler. We may color some more...& there it is: one solid reason I push on. Time with those I love.
Infusion days eat up my life. Hmmm. Better stated: in the process of cancer eradication, I spend many hours per week in a chair infusing. At this time where I have had a lot of pressure, self doubts & inner dialoguing about my worthiness, I have been wondering if I no longer offer enough to remain. While a dramatic thought, it feels rational. I am not worthwhile enough for my once bf to want to come help me, let alone make any plans with me or talk to me. That realization left me seeing things through a different lens...one where I needed to believe myself to have purpose in order to push forward. I began to look. It was a couple of weeks ago when the change was effecting me gravely. I thank the Spirits that a situation happened with feedback that gave me hope...
I was infusing where I am today and was ready for the nurse to access my port. She seemed nervous. She was palpitating the skin above my small port that is now barely noticeable, seeking to feel it enough to comfortably poke that half inch needle in. I could sense her uncertainty. I have learned that if someone knows I'm unsure & I express doubt, it casts the doubt outward & usually leads to the person failing. This has played out over & over when I have gone in for blood draws. If I say, "Are you good at this?," for example, that question casts doubt & I've found it likely the person will miss my vein afterward. I started asking some time ago because it also served me well. If the person was new or lacked confidence, he or she might then seek out an experienced colleague who would confidently take over. My goal became pain-free on all procedures years ago in this cancer chapter. So, back to that day...and her doubt. I calmly & kindly told her she just needed to go right in the middle, & not think twice. I said, "It's a trusty port, just go in the center & you'll have return." She did so, it didn't hurt & on we went. I did not think about it again until the next time I went in for an infusion, 4 days later. The same nurse was assigned to me. She came into my room, got her supplies on the tray & told me the following, paraphrased: ...you have no idea how your comments have made a difference. Not just for you, but for others. In a way, I felt bad that the patient had to tell me what to do...but since then, when dealing with two other patients, I have thought of your words & regained my composure...with very good outcomes. She went on to say, I don't know if you realize how much grace you demonstrate. You are going through so much...and I do not think I would be able to go through what you are with the grace you do. You are an inspiration. ....well...at that point we both had tears. I told her how now she too may have no idea the impact of her honest words. I explained I had been struggling to find a way to know if I still contributed enough good to be worth living. I was sincere. I have become a burden to others at times & am no longer worthwhile to someone who mattered...and without loving kind support, my chances are down...how I realized I had fought to live...perhaps past my natural time. Sandy, the nurse, looked me in my eyes with love & sincerity that day and related that I had just made a positive difference in her life & that she would carry it forward.
That was a cool & profound interchange. I have thought back on it. I have sprung forward as a result. I let go fully of notions of that which was not. I began imagining what I want...the type of supportive relationship where I am not struggling to figure out why I am suddenly not being spoken to. ..but one where I feel comfortable & secure with where I stand. A love that is true & has shared precious value. And as I envisioned what I really want, the sadness of what is no longer...dropped away. It has been a bit of a roller coaster, but an essential shift occurred. I don't doubt I will revisit my worth, my health, my purpose, but for today, it seems I am still on a mission. Untitled, my mission continues on this Friday afternoon spent infusing. More & more outreach will happen next week after my taxes are filed. I know of another cannabis knowledgeable integrative/oncologist at UCSF that would be an alternative to the one in Reno.
I feel more myself...more on my path...more ok today than in a while. I have been watching a series called "The Truth About Cancer" and I feel relieved to have stopped chemo. I believe following my intuition...my body's signs is my responsibilty. I feel more sure than before that any true cure will come from another path, not from more chemotherapy. The industry has made far more money than my home is worth off of me already.
And as I pack up to leave on this sunny afternoon, I feel blessed that I am a caring yet far from perfect woman with the weekend ahead!
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