So much has happened and I did not chose to blog. I'll do my best to summarize what has not been written. I went though the second chemo treatment on November 14. It had to be postponed due to low white blood cell counts. My son had flown in to assist the day it was scheduled, November 12. It was a duly significant day because there was a particular struggle that occurred with my then oncologist and it triggered a decision to fire her for lack of being on the same page as myself. This topic...having a provider that one feels in-sync with is vital. I know this to be true. There are many incompetent (sorry) doctors to be hired and once revealed as such...they must be fired!
At any rate, a nurse who saw my sadness stopped to speak with me in the infusion room and I told her my doctor and I are not on the same page and I am going elsewhere. She asked me to reconsider and give them a chance to find me someone who I would resonate with. Within 20 minutes, my new oncologist came to confer with me. I liked her immediately. Her spirit is rich with love. As anyone who reads my blog should know, I know the power of true love to be vital to life, perhaps particularly so for one who is working to overcome cancer. Anyhow, Sue became my provider and also let the previous oncologist know of my choice.
When I returned two days later and my labs revealed I could endure chemo, my spirits were good. I had enjoyed nearly two days of eating good foods and sharing time with my son. The chemo, as usual, went without a hitch and I returned home doing fine.
The next day was my mom's 94th birthday. In the morning, I baked an organic and healthy cake with organic almond flour and coconut flour as the basis. My son made frosting...it was a big mess, a big endeavor and then my mother and her beau arrived...then 4 others to join my son, bf and I in the celebration. The day went well, but by the time it ended, I was certain I had done too much. That evening my son administered the Neulastra shot that I decided was in my best interest to have given the low white cell counts a few days prior.
The next day, I had planned to hold another moving sale which I advertised on craigslist and Ed and Jo had to run it. I was unable to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom. I ended up throwing up a few times...and another real problem was constipation. I tried approved for chemo techniques I knew of...and no relief happened. I'm uncertain which day that week I went into the emergency room, again, with constipation that would not be relieved. I tried enemas, despite having read not to, miralax, milk of magnesia and stool softeners. I felt sick from the laxatives and toxic...with a bad smell emanating from me.
At any rate, having Sue as my provider the day I went to the ER verified my choice in switching my confidence to her was wise. The ER at the Syracuse VAMC where I receive my treatment that day was full. A man came out and announced that there were no rooms available, apologized and said they were doing all they could and the wait would be lengthy. I was so sick feeling, I laid down across two chairs and slept. Barb met me at the ER and Jo was with me, although off getting his own needs met while I slept. Turns out my son ran into Sue waiting for an elevator. She told him she would come to the ER. I had also left her a message earlier, stating my problem. When Sue showed up and woke me, she asked if I could walk to the infusion area. I felt I could. She said she would meet me there.
Barb, Jo and I went to the infusion room and in moments Sue was there with supplies. We went into a private room adjacent and nurses blocked the glass of the door to ensure privacy. Truly within 10 minutes, I had an enema administered by a no-nonsense women named Sue. I had another after the first bout of relief and left feeling like another problem had been put to rest. Sue's compassion and wisdom shall never be forgotten. She proscribed a regiment of laxatives and stool softeners...an arsenal with magnesium citrate as a go to prn for when nothing worked. It was only two days later and I turned to the magnesium citrate. It took a whole bottle and about 18 hours to work. Constipation post chemo is dangerous and awful.
My son went back to northern California during that week after chemo. Ed's own needs had him back away from me and the impact was negative. I then came to terms with a whole lot about my life. I spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time in my life and made a good day of it. I enjoyed parts of a lovely organic fruit basket my dear friend Lisa sent. I cooked myself yummy organic foods and did an art project.
I can honestly say that I am changing in a more positive way through this recurrence. I now speak my peace, no matter how difficult it would have been in the past. That me has evolved. I have bottled up so much and I think it has been hugely detrimental. So though there are many experiences that were hurtful in my evolving relationship with Ed, it seems neither of us want to end it. There is a lot of love between us. I am needy -- perhaps like never before. And it is tremendously difficult on him to deal with this recurrence and the myriad difficulties it has presented that he has handled.
It seems by the time I was feeling pretty good again, it was time to get my third round of chemo. I had been making smoothies with a Nutri Bullet that Ed got me and no longer felt any need for laxatives. But, to be safe, I took stool softeners and miralax for the two days preceding my chemo date. I went in on Friday and gave my blood sample for the labs to avoid the pesky wait time I had experienced both other chemo's at the VA. So, on Monday when I went in, the lab work was ready. I met with Sue and she had made me a lovely, love-filled wreath of candy canes and bells. It was touching. And when she put her hands on me to give me support and love, it was amazing. I felt healing rays of energy! I cannot state it any other way. Later when I brought the bag home I discovered an ovarian cancer t shirt in there, too. I am touched deeply to have Sue as my provider for chemo care. And I shall call her and tell her what follows tomorrow.
The day after chemo was, as has always been the case, smooth. Barb gave me a ride in for my vitamin C infusion and another friend Jackie picked me up and brought me to the VAMC to get the neulastra shot. That night marked 30+ hours without a bowel movement and I knew to take action. I feel pleased with the technique I developed. I inserted two children's glycerin suppositories into my rectum and sat on a hot water bottle. I then did some yoga stretches and breathing and positions and after about an hour, I was able to have a bowel movement. I feel it was critical that happened as it did.
The following day, day three, I figured would be difficult. It was beyond that. I basically spent the day in bed. I fought nausea with pills, vaporized medical m and sleep. I threw up a few times. Jackie came by to lend support and gave me ginger water, ginger candy, made bags...provided loving care and gave Ed some respite. The entire day was poor. It carried into the night...all night long, discomfort, moaning, nausea and vomiting.
Thursday, I again tried anti nausea drug, vaporized m, bed rest...and fought nausea all day. I threw up a few times before deciding to take a bath. I ran the tub too hot and did not have the sense to really let it cool. The heat was too great. I called Ed in and asked him to sit with me. I tried drinking some water, feeling dehydrated. I felt tingly and light headed. Eventually I let the water out, but did not feel able to get out. I sat in the empty tub for a long while, dealing with bouts of incoherence and an inability to do anything other than try to breath. At some point, I passed out while sitting. Ed said I convulsed for several seconds twice. He asked me to breath and I came to once that I recall. Eventually, I threw up all over myself in the tub...a lot. Afterwards, with more time, I was able to get up and make my way to the sofa. Ed brought pajamas out for me and I was able to get them partially on and sit there...nodding in and out. He was doing laundry and once the clean sheets were on, I went back to bed. And the day got no better. I could not hold a thing down.
Friday, I felt a tad better. I was as hungry as I can recall being, yet nausea was still present. I had some of a smoothie with greens and pineapple, some toast...some oatmeal...small amounts of food all day. And I held it all down. Friday I was better, but very weak. I had a couple of bowel movements. It seems at this point that the hot bath got my whole system heated up to where my bowels seem stimulated like they haven't been since chemo began. I will take that as a good side effect to a horrific experience.
Saturday, I expected to be much better but was struggling with nausea all day. I hung and relaxed, watched some tv, and did nothing more strenuous than addressing envelopes and inserting holiday cards. At least I felt well enough for that! Late in the aftenoon, after eating some macaroni and cheese, I felt well enough to go for a drive to see Xmas lights and then to go into a store for about a half hour seeking baby doll accessories for my granddaughter. When I got home, Ed left. It is always tremendously difficult for me to face this alone...for my help to go and for me to face the realities that are. I live alone. It is not as I wish it and there is nothing I can do about it other than my best. I am in the process of moving...but the house needs to sell...and a few other details I have no control over. Meanwhile, it is me, myself and I most of the time. I am grateful and humbled beyond words that Ed continues to help me and he stays here to do it. This time he had a break on Tuesday and returned Wednesday. He stayed until Saturday evening. But after he left, the nausea built up and I couldn't keep from vomiting again. I then had to make my own bag, get my own hot water bottles filled, etc. and it took all the energy I had to do so. Once in bed, I called my daughter, who talked with me and helped me shift my mind. When she and I said goodbye at 1 am, I was able to fall asleep. I took an anti-nausea pill first.
Today is Sunday...Chemo was Monday. I have accomplished a few things here on my own today. I feel better. I have felt slight nausea, but have held down small amounts of food all day. I cleaned my fridge out, did dishes, moped the floor, and ordered myself a pair of Bernie Mev bronze colored shoes as per my dear cousin's wish. She sent me a holiday card I received yesterday accompanied by a check meant to cover the costs of a pair of said shoes. She had purchased a pair one day in September when were together in Skaneateles. She lives in Florida...and the check in the card was such a cool and pleasant surprise!
I will end on this good note. It was a decent day.
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