Hopefulness

It's tricky to expose one's life via blog. I free-write and tell my story as a way to journal, record, and educate. I am going though a time like no other in terms of challenges and others out there may resonate in ways for having been or facing similar straits. I am honest here. If I am struggling emotionally, as the very, very sensitive person I am, it colors what I write. If others actions weigh heavily on me, and I'm already struggling, there's likelihood I will process through writing...and in such a process it seems feelings of others may be hurt. I'm not sure how to handle such matters. Censor...naturally there are always filters on...bu this is true gray area.
I held back on saying exactly how glum I felt during the previous week. When facing my reality, home alone, debilitated and vulnerable, I struggled deeply. I still feel shaken by the feeling that  I can be distanced from for any reason when so very shakily recovering from a difficult to be in, difficult to care for situation. An infection, chemo, constipation, nausea and all the associated needs and discomforts...and they couldn't all cease at once with me magically fine when my helper left. ...it became very unhealthy for me to feel deserted.
Emotional pain & ill health, inability...cancer patients feeling such realities need support. Family, friends, loved one's...need to provide comfort & support in a loving manner for best outcomes to be possible. I feel strongly about this.
Today, while infusing with 45 grams of IV Vitamin C, I finished reading the book, "Radical Remission." I learned a lot through the vignettes of other cancer patients who followed their intuition and sought treatment outside the scope of what the traditional western medicine doctors recommended. Amongst the chapters, all of which were engaging and important, was one about emotional health...holding anger, hurt and the damaging consequences to one's health. It resonated with me and I feel certain I know the source of many hurts that I need to fully let go of, as opposed to sort of let go of. It is a process, but some of my hurts go back quite far and I thought they were shed...only to discover, they still have a place in my being that needs to be abandoned. And I am taking a vow to shift or eliminate any remaining toxic relationships. Juxtapositioning these with my rich, deep friendships, it is clear that the contrast in how they feel is polar opposite.  My life seems to depend on weeding out sorrow and embracing joy willingly, knowingly, mindfully.
I skipped writing yesterday, a day during which a lot of positive movement happened. I signed on with two real estate agents who listed the house for the price that I had in mind when I began the process. I let a realtor who came and essentially insulted me with his idea of a price to offer the house, based on comps that were not truly comps, influence me negatively. I did a for sale by owner listing, which is how the new realtors in my life came to me. And that story, which I may write another day, unfolded as a true meant-to-be kind of tale. Anyhow, the house is on the market and today I got a call that tomorrow a realtor will be bringing the first folks over to see it! By 3:30 pm, Barb and I will have to have it as together as it can be. And we are running a sale tomorrow, too.
I can honestly say the Vitamin C is helping my energy level tremendously. I am so grateful that I learned of the integrative specialist as I did in 2012. I fully believe I am doing myself right to be infusing twice weekly this time. I worried about funding last time and did half the amount that the University of Kansas recommends to accompany chemo, specifically ovarian cancer chemo. This time, with a recurrence of ovarian cancer with tumors amuk in my peritoneal area, I refuse to sell myself short, despite no monies to cover. I am going to invest in myself with the credit card until the house sells. And now...it is poised to sell!
Today while I was infusing, I was blessed that Ed, who I initiated conversation with two evenings ago, came over and accomplished many things that were important to have done before showing the house. He shampooed the carpet, installed a new ground fault receptacle, installed a closet door slider/keeper set, and brought firewood up. These were true demonstrations of caring for which I am grateful. Yet how I felt this past week lingers as a nagging feeling I'm not something...and the defition of something remains unclear. I am resiliently moving forward now, as I must to succeed in my quest to go into remission, pack, sell and move cross country, while simultaneously handling affairs of my mothers and getting the bailiwick ready to hand off when I go.
I am tired, too tired to think through some of the principles I wish to share. I am excited at the prospect of a potential buyer coming...and know I will be working very hard from morning til the time I drive off to let the lookers see. I am wishing for people to come who will truly love the home and see all of the great aspects. I'd like them to offer me asking price or very close to it, so that I can wrap this chapter up. I have much to accomplish in CA, too. The work is all awaiting...but it is the one step after the other boogie I am doing now....and so, for today, I will close with much more to hit upon in blog soon.
I would like to end with the thought that IV high dose Vitamin C is bringing me back to feeling functional and able. It is rebuilding my body's immunity while fully oxygenating and killing cancer cells. Love it and the fact I have the credit card to place the bill on. Heck, I am earning miles, too.