I keep trying to put on a strong face and believe it is all gonna work out for me. I woke up extremely anxious. I find my situation hard to believe. I miss the person who I thought was there for me. I try to console myself. I feel like giving up. I lit a candle and said a prayer. I admit I am not overly skilled at self-love. It is an obvious need...feeling loved.
Am I confused? Sure. Clear? In some ways, I am. Why now? Why? Why did my support have to drop away from me now? No answers. Just an uneasiness inside. I know yesterday I was trying to be creative in my mind....I'll find someone to help me to do it all...this morning, after laying there with my heart pounding, realizing just how alone I am, I called Trooper. He came and cuddled with me for a half hour. I fed him the love I'm used to dishing into my boyfriend and he gave back. We created the same pool of love that I have cherished in my life. It felt wonderful. He hugged me and I him. Ah. Love. It is vital. Friendships are, too. And I love all of my friends dearly. Friends...
Barb came over and brought me a couple more veggies I wanted and were not available at yesterday's market. She also packed three boxes while I worked in my room. Problem is: I got a bunch taken off shelves and dresser and onto bed and got so tired that I am now resting. I am not nearly what I was before chemo. This is distressing. I am trying to beat the weather...beat the cancer...ready the house for open house, run more sales, keep boxing and I am too tired to get through an hour's work. How will the wood walk itself up the stairs. Should I spend my small reserve on trying to get the carpet clean in the morning? How is it this is gonna work out? I see no answers. I have always had faith it would all work out, but I had the belief that I had a person committed to me in the mix and for days now, he has vanished. I try to push it away, but I was accustomed to talking, interacting, and truthfully, relying on him, particularly now during post-chemo recoup time.
Is it cop-out time? I have had moments throughout the past few days when I feel like coping out on myself. The mountain sometimes seems too high to climb alone, I am not that strong. I went through the last round of cancer determined to demonstrate to anyone watching a can-do faith-filled response. This time, I began feeling can-do, stressed to complete more than felt doable, but secure with the belief my quasi-partner would be alongside me. I am not adjusting well to the change he felt the need to make. I feel discarded when love is what I need.
How to regroup and keep up the fight, even when weak? I do not want to live alone and once in California, I am going to be certain I do not find myself in such a situation. I do try to keep a vision in my mind of the places I long to return to, but also the places I long to see. I truly need to make it to the village in Italy that my mother was born in. Something tells me I will make grand discoveries there. I want to go throughout Italy, to Calabria where my father was born, but Castiglione especially beckons. I want to find new-to-me hot springs in natural settings and compare and contrast them. I want to be in love with someone who wants to be with me as a partner, through great adventures we create, simple moments in natural settings, snuggling and giggling the morning away...I hope keeping dreams alive will help me to get past the current hurdles...to more life, happy fullfilling life once remission occurs. Amen to positive endings....
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