I have just reread the last post and feel the urge to delete it, but for the purpose of truly divulging the fluctuations of post cancer survival, I leave it. Since the last post I went in to discuss my medical situation with Dr. Cunningham, but instead was seen by her nurse. Although courteous and nice, she did not offer me any proactive things to do, other than telling me stress is the biggest factor I need to eliminate! She spoke of waiting it out and being sure to let them know when I have experienced pain for two weeks steady. I feel very discouraged with that advise. It means wait til you have full-blown symptoms and then we shall find more chemo to treat you with. The longer the period between last chemo and new chemo the better. I came home and then subsequently wrote Dr. C a letter asking for advise on what I can be doing. Meanwhile, all my own research shows that High Dose Vitamin C kills ovarian cancer dna and I would like to settle the crazy medical bill and get help from the integrative specialist I worked with. Last I spoke to attorney's office, they were still waiting response with an invoice for me to work from. It has been over a month. Big sigh.
Meanwhile, I await my appointment with the occupational health center which is next week. I will finally have a professional with mold expertise evaluate me. I also need to discuss the duress I have suffered. Stress elimination questions linger for me.
I began today's missive to say I am enjoying sunshine and family. The air is clean and clear here and the temperatures suit me. I am not stuck on what is not. I am going to be strong enough to face what is and work forward to sell my house in NY. When I have resources I can make the best choices for myself. I think high dose Vitamin C might be able to be found cheaper than I was paying. I believe an appointment with the integrative specialist must happen. So I ask for resolution of obstacles in the way of all that I need to live well.
For those who read this and know me, forgive me for the negativity expressed here during recent blogs. I do reach out with my truths of the moment, but when they are negative and doubtful, it looks like I am failing at the fundamental lessons I believed I had learned through cancer. Deep down, I want to live fully...and let my zest for life take me to new places.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
surprises & what one needs...and more surprises before bed
It is officially the next day, that is, the one year marker of the last chemo treatment was now yesterday. It is past midnight now and I thought before I go to bed, I ought to say a bit more.
I am looking at a lovely bouquet of purplish flowers that were delivered early this evening. The card said:
"You said you'd do it, and I'd see how strong you are. Well one year ago today you finished the hardest parts. We're so proud and happy. Love, Ed, Hannah and Chloe"
Indeed this was a kind surprise that warmed my heart. And about an hour after the flowers arrived, Ed came over and we drove out into the countryside, where is was quiet and the hills were rolling with freshly planted corn and squashes and grasses. We walked past tractors and greenhouses...an old cemetery invited us to walk peacefully through it and read the gravestones...minds wandering to the 1860's and who was living in the region at the time...and Trooper and Ed and I enjoyed a warm, pleasant and peaceful walk together.
I am grateful for a lot right now and wanted to state that before going to sleep.
But, before I actually headed to the bedroom, I logged onto the site where I could access my medical reports. I believed both the CA 125 lab and the CT scan with contrast results would be available and I was correct. To begin with, I have not seen the gyn-oncologist for several months and it was due to the co-pay and my finances. At this point, I am anxious to get in and discuss my case with her. This scan, like the previous one, discusses a non-growing, fairly small lesion on the liver. Dr. Cunningham did not have the ability to know of this as I did not go in and I don't think the report was faxed over. That is the not great aspect of getting some care in one place and some in another. I will say that I have had to be in charge of asking for scans and labs because I have not seen with Dr. Cunningham or Dr. Puc, who oversaw my chemo and vitamin c. The problem with the bill and the fact it is in collections is just another stressor. The total due is not possible and despite lengthy conversation with Hematology Oncology billing person/advocate and her telling me to do nothing until I heard back, it turned into another problem I am in the process of trying to eliminate.
Getting back to the findings, I have now read many things on the internet. All of them suggest that a person in remission who experiences steady rises of CA 125 is likely 3-6 months from discovering clinical evidence it is back. I suspect I will have to have a pet scan next and that is money I do not have. If I sell the house and have money, I will not be here where I have the better treatment options and great specialist Dr. Cunningham. It is at this point I feel so frustrated, again, as I have been lately. I do not know what my chances are without support and money is support. Sigh. I do not know what to think about what is happening.
I will create a chart here that I already created on a piece of newspaper.
CA 125 numbers and dates labs were drawn:
5.5 8/16/2013
3.5 9/17/2013
6.0 11/18/2013
8.8 2/4/2014
16.1 4/3/2014
19.1 5/19/2014
The upper range of normal is 30.
I will go to bed now and try to be at peace. There has been a lot of strife in the past few months about what is going to happen with my relationship. I have felt more than ever before that I do not want to live alone. When I feel like I am supported, whether or not I am exaggerating what is real, I feel so secure. That security...well, when I go to the doctor alone and see all other patients with significant others, it is always something that brings immediate tears. I long to be important and loved enough...but it may not come to be. And the finances are just awful. I have endured too much nonsense with the toxins and conditions at work, but have gone because I have not had any other option. Moving in winter...doing repairs to home to list it...these were not real possibilities. I am currently working at the house repairs and readying to sell. I do not know how the trend will effect things. I cannot stay and afford the bills, especially given taxes are again gonna come due and too soon. NY sucks in terms of such things...but why focus on that?
I feel confused and sad. I know there will be treatment options and going through more chemo just seems like a sad option. My diet is very clean, but I think I can do better. I take the Herbal Aloe Force now, turmeric and flax oil...maybe that is why the lesion is unchanged per ct scan. I hate the PET scan...getting radioactive injections is not on my list of fun stuff. And without ability to make the co-pay...well...I just see that which already has me so sad is about to get worse.
I have done many cool and not-so-common things in my life and am grateful for that. I want to go to Italy and think I should do that this year. I wish some of the external factors at play were not, but they are. And I do not expect my needs will be met, although I want that deeply.
Sigh. I share this blog this evening with my heart on my sleeve. I need to brave up more...if possible.
I am looking at a lovely bouquet of purplish flowers that were delivered early this evening. The card said:
"You said you'd do it, and I'd see how strong you are. Well one year ago today you finished the hardest parts. We're so proud and happy. Love, Ed, Hannah and Chloe"
Indeed this was a kind surprise that warmed my heart. And about an hour after the flowers arrived, Ed came over and we drove out into the countryside, where is was quiet and the hills were rolling with freshly planted corn and squashes and grasses. We walked past tractors and greenhouses...an old cemetery invited us to walk peacefully through it and read the gravestones...minds wandering to the 1860's and who was living in the region at the time...and Trooper and Ed and I enjoyed a warm, pleasant and peaceful walk together.
I am grateful for a lot right now and wanted to state that before going to sleep.
But, before I actually headed to the bedroom, I logged onto the site where I could access my medical reports. I believed both the CA 125 lab and the CT scan with contrast results would be available and I was correct. To begin with, I have not seen the gyn-oncologist for several months and it was due to the co-pay and my finances. At this point, I am anxious to get in and discuss my case with her. This scan, like the previous one, discusses a non-growing, fairly small lesion on the liver. Dr. Cunningham did not have the ability to know of this as I did not go in and I don't think the report was faxed over. That is the not great aspect of getting some care in one place and some in another. I will say that I have had to be in charge of asking for scans and labs because I have not seen with Dr. Cunningham or Dr. Puc, who oversaw my chemo and vitamin c. The problem with the bill and the fact it is in collections is just another stressor. The total due is not possible and despite lengthy conversation with Hematology Oncology billing person/advocate and her telling me to do nothing until I heard back, it turned into another problem I am in the process of trying to eliminate.
Getting back to the findings, I have now read many things on the internet. All of them suggest that a person in remission who experiences steady rises of CA 125 is likely 3-6 months from discovering clinical evidence it is back. I suspect I will have to have a pet scan next and that is money I do not have. If I sell the house and have money, I will not be here where I have the better treatment options and great specialist Dr. Cunningham. It is at this point I feel so frustrated, again, as I have been lately. I do not know what my chances are without support and money is support. Sigh. I do not know what to think about what is happening.
I will create a chart here that I already created on a piece of newspaper.
CA 125 numbers and dates labs were drawn:
5.5 8/16/2013
3.5 9/17/2013
6.0 11/18/2013
8.8 2/4/2014
16.1 4/3/2014
19.1 5/19/2014
The upper range of normal is 30.
I will go to bed now and try to be at peace. There has been a lot of strife in the past few months about what is going to happen with my relationship. I have felt more than ever before that I do not want to live alone. When I feel like I am supported, whether or not I am exaggerating what is real, I feel so secure. That security...well, when I go to the doctor alone and see all other patients with significant others, it is always something that brings immediate tears. I long to be important and loved enough...but it may not come to be. And the finances are just awful. I have endured too much nonsense with the toxins and conditions at work, but have gone because I have not had any other option. Moving in winter...doing repairs to home to list it...these were not real possibilities. I am currently working at the house repairs and readying to sell. I do not know how the trend will effect things. I cannot stay and afford the bills, especially given taxes are again gonna come due and too soon. NY sucks in terms of such things...but why focus on that?
I feel confused and sad. I know there will be treatment options and going through more chemo just seems like a sad option. My diet is very clean, but I think I can do better. I take the Herbal Aloe Force now, turmeric and flax oil...maybe that is why the lesion is unchanged per ct scan. I hate the PET scan...getting radioactive injections is not on my list of fun stuff. And without ability to make the co-pay...well...I just see that which already has me so sad is about to get worse.
I have done many cool and not-so-common things in my life and am grateful for that. I want to go to Italy and think I should do that this year. I wish some of the external factors at play were not, but they are. And I do not expect my needs will be met, although I want that deeply.
Sigh. I share this blog this evening with my heart on my sleeve. I need to brave up more...if possible.
May 22...
I am not one to dwell on anniversary dates, well I honor myself on my birthday, but at this time there is not another significant date to dwell on. I am contemplating the importance of honoring this date as a milestone. It was the date I endured the last potent infusion-treatment... which had already worked to rid my body of the invasive disease called cancer.
One year ago, I rejoiced as I came home from my last treatment...well, as I recall, and I had to look back to verify, it was a tricky thing because I had driven myself to treatment but realized in the chair that I really could not drive myself home. I called a friend who I had not asked for help during my chemo and she had to squeeze me into a bunch of already arranged do-for-others errands. I recall it was hot out and I sat in the back of the car. We had to pick someone else up and when I made it home and got dropped off....then I was relieved. I had endured not only the treatment, but the humbling aspect of having to inconvenience others to get through the ordeal. I accepted most offers for help and hated like hell to ask for anything not offered from anyone. I think that is just part of who I am because I still have those same difficulties. I was eager to be on with it...living fully and accomplishing more than maintenance through the difficult.
The current struggles have to do with lack of finances and what one goes through in order to survive in search of thrive. I can see clearly that choices I felt were what I needed to do were overall harmful to my being. The job I accepted has been toxic...in the truest sense of the word. I was with sinus issues immediately but thought perhaps they were due to the cold lobby and adjacent block wall I was stationed next to and the exposure to so many people with my somewhat weakened immune system. It turns out there was black mold growing profusely beneath the wallpaper and the worst of it was right where I was stationed. After that nightmare was unearthed and abated, painting commenced and the fumes effected me gravely. Coming forward about it has netted me a shunning treatment that recently led to everyone who was per diem and untrained going to a two week training that I was not told about nor able to take advantage of. Nothing like feeling like your earnest and professional efforts to serve the not-that-great State of NY are more than unappreciated. To know one is on one's way out is a force to reckon with. Maintaining self-worth and knowing in my heart and soul that I have done an outstanding job without training and interfacing with hundreds of folks a day, respectfully and courteously...and knowing how many of them have walked over and thanked me for being real and concerned is yet another challenge. For the truth shines in the background while in the foreground is the knowledge I am not wanted nonetheless. And I still struggle to learn the types of mold I was exposed to as I await my long-awaited appointment to be seen by occupational health professionals. I still have sinus issues and my respiratory system, per recent tests, shows signs of having been harmed. Damn it all. I never ever would have exposed myself to toxins purposely, that is for certain. Is the mold growing inside the walls again? I leave this topic aside as it is still unfolding and unsettling and unsettled.
I am at a crossroad. I want to live a healthy life in a milder-than-CNY-can-offer place. I want to be able to let go of the house that has served me well here and the yard the dog has grown up to be his best and happiest self in. The thought of adventuring across the country alone to move has been a bit troubling, but I must have faith and strive to get that can-do spirit reinvigorated. The work ahead is daunting and in process.
I am happy that one of my very dearest friends will be here tomorrow to visit and be my companion for a little over two days. I know I will benefit from proximity and ability to laugh and talk and be together. Hooray for Lisa and all she has been in and to my life!
Other important matters I have no control over have been in my backdrop intruding into my head. It takes effort to squelch them after giving them attention. All and all, this is a bit of a trying time. And yet...and still...it is the anniversary date of an event that was significant.
I'll end this with the thought of manifesting one's best notions...or dreams. I have a history of manifesting the ability to purchase things I want at reduced and affordable-to-me prices and getting parking spots when it would seem to others to be impossible. Hmm...I want to take this to a new height...and make my truest dreams come true. Now that I have written that, I think I will go ...mysteriously...because only I know what I mean by dreams come true.
Sante! My dear friend Katerine KC and I toast together and she says the Italian, Salute! and I say the French, Sante! In the truest form, I say cheers to health on this day of honoring where I was at one year ago. May I one day be able to report my dreams come true!
One year ago, I rejoiced as I came home from my last treatment...well, as I recall, and I had to look back to verify, it was a tricky thing because I had driven myself to treatment but realized in the chair that I really could not drive myself home. I called a friend who I had not asked for help during my chemo and she had to squeeze me into a bunch of already arranged do-for-others errands. I recall it was hot out and I sat in the back of the car. We had to pick someone else up and when I made it home and got dropped off....then I was relieved. I had endured not only the treatment, but the humbling aspect of having to inconvenience others to get through the ordeal. I accepted most offers for help and hated like hell to ask for anything not offered from anyone. I think that is just part of who I am because I still have those same difficulties. I was eager to be on with it...living fully and accomplishing more than maintenance through the difficult.
The current struggles have to do with lack of finances and what one goes through in order to survive in search of thrive. I can see clearly that choices I felt were what I needed to do were overall harmful to my being. The job I accepted has been toxic...in the truest sense of the word. I was with sinus issues immediately but thought perhaps they were due to the cold lobby and adjacent block wall I was stationed next to and the exposure to so many people with my somewhat weakened immune system. It turns out there was black mold growing profusely beneath the wallpaper and the worst of it was right where I was stationed. After that nightmare was unearthed and abated, painting commenced and the fumes effected me gravely. Coming forward about it has netted me a shunning treatment that recently led to everyone who was per diem and untrained going to a two week training that I was not told about nor able to take advantage of. Nothing like feeling like your earnest and professional efforts to serve the not-that-great State of NY are more than unappreciated. To know one is on one's way out is a force to reckon with. Maintaining self-worth and knowing in my heart and soul that I have done an outstanding job without training and interfacing with hundreds of folks a day, respectfully and courteously...and knowing how many of them have walked over and thanked me for being real and concerned is yet another challenge. For the truth shines in the background while in the foreground is the knowledge I am not wanted nonetheless. And I still struggle to learn the types of mold I was exposed to as I await my long-awaited appointment to be seen by occupational health professionals. I still have sinus issues and my respiratory system, per recent tests, shows signs of having been harmed. Damn it all. I never ever would have exposed myself to toxins purposely, that is for certain. Is the mold growing inside the walls again? I leave this topic aside as it is still unfolding and unsettling and unsettled.
I am at a crossroad. I want to live a healthy life in a milder-than-CNY-can-offer place. I want to be able to let go of the house that has served me well here and the yard the dog has grown up to be his best and happiest self in. The thought of adventuring across the country alone to move has been a bit troubling, but I must have faith and strive to get that can-do spirit reinvigorated. The work ahead is daunting and in process.
I am happy that one of my very dearest friends will be here tomorrow to visit and be my companion for a little over two days. I know I will benefit from proximity and ability to laugh and talk and be together. Hooray for Lisa and all she has been in and to my life!
Other important matters I have no control over have been in my backdrop intruding into my head. It takes effort to squelch them after giving them attention. All and all, this is a bit of a trying time. And yet...and still...it is the anniversary date of an event that was significant.
I'll end this with the thought of manifesting one's best notions...or dreams. I have a history of manifesting the ability to purchase things I want at reduced and affordable-to-me prices and getting parking spots when it would seem to others to be impossible. Hmm...I want to take this to a new height...and make my truest dreams come true. Now that I have written that, I think I will go ...mysteriously...because only I know what I mean by dreams come true.
Sante! My dear friend Katerine KC and I toast together and she says the Italian, Salute! and I say the French, Sante! In the truest form, I say cheers to health on this day of honoring where I was at one year ago. May I one day be able to report my dreams come true!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
...it's been a while...
...tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of my last infusion of chemotherapy.It is a distant memory...sitting in the chair in the infusion room and being poked and inundated. I had just the right head-space going to consider the therapy as a ticket out of the imminent threat of death that stage iv diagnosis gave me.
I thought that once I was over the cancer, had an adventure on the open road and settled back into life without all the medical appointments, life would be grand. Some of the unforseens have really got me questioning myself. I thought I really had it down: never let fear cast it's shadow on life. But, alas, going it solo has worn me down. I have been too hopeful at times I shouldn't have and it seems my tolerances are down. I think I did better handling stresses while I was undergoing treatment and that seems strange.
I have felt and told others that having cancer taught me a lot and that I saw the myriad ways that it actually enriched my life to go through that difficult time. Hmm...what about how you feel post cancer? Lot's of glee fully accessible to my heart...yup, still true...ability to handle a difficult job dealing with hundreds of people a day...yup, compassionate and smart enough...but ability to handle being disposable and unappreciated...not-so-good. And maybe that's really it. The stress from my work situation has taken a toll on my soul.
So this post-chemo one year later time is one in which I have to go the next step: fully stand up for myself and worry not about what shall happen. It is time to remove that which harms me from my life as best I can.
I am awaiting the results of my ct scan with contrast and CA-125 lab results. My CA 125 number has twice doubled, but as of 6 weeks ago, it was still within the normal range. I have not liked it's doubling and have admittedly worried some over that. I am currently on a very clean diet and log all I eat. I am in the process of shedding extra weight, and although it will have to be a long process, it is one worth doing. My joint pain has decreased significantly since I began 15 days ago. I do take turmeric and pepper with flax seed oil daily, too...and have made it a priority to afford my Herbal Aloe Force supplement. I have thought about what I will do if cancer rears itself again, but never let the concept ferment.
I shall flush this missive out on the anniversary of the last chemo and give more thought to what is important to share in the meantime.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
A year since then...
It is noteworthy and unforgettable to me that a year ago today, I underwent my first chemo. It was a sunny day and I saw an eagle circling which I took to be an incredibly powerful good omen. Today, I marvel at how I shed the life with cancer identity so swiftly, such that I ever took it on. People who I speak with have no clue I had cancer, despite my short, curly hair, which I think to be a giveaway. I keep hearing I look great...I know I don't look sickly. And I'm not.
In fact, I am working with the public in my face each and every day I report to my part time job at the DMV. That I have the job is its own little tale of faith and manifesting. And I need to remind myself to keep it up. At this time, I fret over the weather. It is brutal. A winter to drive me outta here, for reals. I know in my heart of hearts that I do not want to stay in CNY. I won't get into the dilemmas that have torn at me. I searched my soul and heart and overcame fears of speaking in order to clarify things, and I learned the clues I had gathered were accurate. So, at this time, I am working at readying my home for sale, making lists of things I must do, and letting myself get excited at the thought of living in California again, where I feel like I belong.
I am interested in giving myself the best climate I can to live in, and since I have a home in CA, that is choice one of two. B'ville has it's pluses as far as CNY Villages go, but this winter cinches the fact that harsh weather is hurtful and adds many layers of difficulties that are actually hazardous to one's health.
The fact I am sitting here so cold must be partially responsible for my mentioning weather....and moving. But as I focus on the rest of my life, I want it to be as easy as it can. Being an unpartnered woman in the frozen tundra has brought me tears far too often. I have love in my life, mostly in the backdrop, which is significant and appreciated. But the day to day grind here is very harsh and going it alone wears me down.
I wonder how others who have successfully completed their treatment and are in remission, hoping that term turns into cured, do at making shifts in their lives, wanting to live life to the fullest and to make themselves their priorities. I am driven strongly to make my dreams come true. At the same time, I am dealing with a great many challenges, largely due to lack of monies necessary to handle it all. The move on the horizon, initially triggered by finances, will be full or hard work and it will be a test to my resolve that I expect to succeed at.
I have much more to say, but am tired and must retire. I work in the morning and may have to drive in treachery again. The local news has illuminated the fact that six CNYers have died of a flu. So much to use care about...
But I am cancer free, thus far. I had my port flushed and labwork drawn yesterday and will have my CA125 results in a few days. Until then, I shall do my best to stay warm and positive despite below zero temps and problems galore.
In fact, I am working with the public in my face each and every day I report to my part time job at the DMV. That I have the job is its own little tale of faith and manifesting. And I need to remind myself to keep it up. At this time, I fret over the weather. It is brutal. A winter to drive me outta here, for reals. I know in my heart of hearts that I do not want to stay in CNY. I won't get into the dilemmas that have torn at me. I searched my soul and heart and overcame fears of speaking in order to clarify things, and I learned the clues I had gathered were accurate. So, at this time, I am working at readying my home for sale, making lists of things I must do, and letting myself get excited at the thought of living in California again, where I feel like I belong.
I am interested in giving myself the best climate I can to live in, and since I have a home in CA, that is choice one of two. B'ville has it's pluses as far as CNY Villages go, but this winter cinches the fact that harsh weather is hurtful and adds many layers of difficulties that are actually hazardous to one's health.
The fact I am sitting here so cold must be partially responsible for my mentioning weather....and moving. But as I focus on the rest of my life, I want it to be as easy as it can. Being an unpartnered woman in the frozen tundra has brought me tears far too often. I have love in my life, mostly in the backdrop, which is significant and appreciated. But the day to day grind here is very harsh and going it alone wears me down.
I wonder how others who have successfully completed their treatment and are in remission, hoping that term turns into cured, do at making shifts in their lives, wanting to live life to the fullest and to make themselves their priorities. I am driven strongly to make my dreams come true. At the same time, I am dealing with a great many challenges, largely due to lack of monies necessary to handle it all. The move on the horizon, initially triggered by finances, will be full or hard work and it will be a test to my resolve that I expect to succeed at.
I have much more to say, but am tired and must retire. I work in the morning and may have to drive in treachery again. The local news has illuminated the fact that six CNYers have died of a flu. So much to use care about...
But I am cancer free, thus far. I had my port flushed and labwork drawn yesterday and will have my CA125 results in a few days. Until then, I shall do my best to stay warm and positive despite below zero temps and problems galore.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
It's been a while...
It seems I am leaving the cancer identity behind, such that I ever truly took it on. I have all but forgotten about the blog. I know my last labs showed blood slowly making its way to normal and I feel blessed that I have only had herpes outbreaks on my face, but no infections throughout the journey.
Since my last post, much has happened. I did have a freakish bout of sharp pains in my abdomen in late July that were so unbearable and disconcerting that I went to the ER. After hours of waiting and tests and then a CT scan done prior to when it would have been, nothing pointed to why the pain that debilitated me for about 10 hours suddenly departed. The CT scan showed nothing, which is great news. I'll leave this topic aside...
I had my 55th birthday and it was truly a wonderful day that could not have gone much better than it did. I love thinking back on it because not all birthdays end up memorable or filled with love, but this one did. Ed must take full responsibility for how great it was, from the cake being exactly what I would have gotten myself, to him suggesting we take it to my mom's to have her share in the celebration...then a road trip to Lewiston to see Buddy Guy after an opening act I had never seen nor heard of, Robert Randolf and the Family Band, then crossing into Canada and checking into a motel nearby the strollpath to the falls. I thoroughly enjoyed walking with Ed along the path, under the Rainbow Bridge (scary for me with my thing about bridges), and further, with a rare passerby and the entire scene essentially to ourselves. The next day was wonderful too...ahh...I truly love thinking back to that trip...
The RV has varied problems that are proving difficult to take care of and there are times I feel very worn down about it. I hope that the list I just made doesn't continue to make my head spin in overwhelm, while I still have big projects on the house that must be done soon. I hope to be able to stain the deck soon...weather has been too wet to allow, and I have concerns about the solvents in the stain. Rather than make another to-do list here, let's just say that I feel like I have more to do than is possible and that although cancer has adjusted my perspective, I still get nervous and sometimes worried. I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I have some ideas, but am not sure the sequence in which they must occur. And then there is the whole business of where I am going to be living this fall and winter. Holidays alone are no longer gonna cut it for me. I have a drive to make life be more fulfilling...we shall see.
To that end, I have a part time job. I am a caregiver to a six year old autistic child 2-3 afternoons a week. She and I connected immediately and although she cannot be unattended at all, doesn't use hardly any words and uses diapers, I find the job mostly rewarding and one in which I learn. I am very tired afterwards, by and large. I end up walking a lot...to the park with the child, up and down flights of stairs at the house and then being on fully...well, it is these times, after work, that I recall I am not recovered from the chemo yet. Not fully myself...So, a job while trying to handle maintenance on the house, empty rooms (not my strength), add to the pile for the sale that I had best have very soon, deal with readying the rv for travel, and it is no wonder that I have been feeling not-so-balanced.
There is so much more to say...I feel keenly aware of what living healthily would look like and am close...but the uneasiness with the to-do list, the uncertainties of other important aspects of my life, and the fact time seems to be zipping by, have me concerned. I'm not tripping out, but am often up too late reading all I can on the internet, as I attempt to learn one of my least favorite ways about things I really have no experience with. I just halted writing this to skip over to the Toyota RV Motorhome forum to post an outreach to any Central New Yorker who may be willing to come teach me some of the stuff I need to know...which felt productive. I also need to reply to some clist folks who are seeking housing that sounds like mine.
So, yeah, life is fully going on. I seek balance. I am one day away from going to the dentist and getting my teeth cleaned and that is a very exciting sign I am nearly 3 months post chemo. Oh, did I mention that my hair is growing in nicely? Let me end this post and head to bed by sharing a true story:
Last week I was shopping at a local health food store. They were having samples and sales and I was in there longer than I had planned. A woman approached me and said, "I love your hair!" My immediate and sincere response was, "Oh, thank you! I do, too! It's grown long enough to be noticeable!" The stranger's face told me she did not know, as I had assumed, that I was a cancer patient, blah, blah, blah. Upon realizing this, I explained my having completed chemo and the fact that the heat of summer had me ditch the wig a while ago and how I realized the joy of having such short hair in the summertime of CNY. The woman immediately asked if I was ok, and I was happy to elaborate on that, too. She concluded our interaction by telling me how she sincerely had no idea it wasn't cut the way it was purposefully and how good it looks. Wow! It was a make-my-day kind of interaction, for sure.
Since my last post, much has happened. I did have a freakish bout of sharp pains in my abdomen in late July that were so unbearable and disconcerting that I went to the ER. After hours of waiting and tests and then a CT scan done prior to when it would have been, nothing pointed to why the pain that debilitated me for about 10 hours suddenly departed. The CT scan showed nothing, which is great news. I'll leave this topic aside...
I had my 55th birthday and it was truly a wonderful day that could not have gone much better than it did. I love thinking back on it because not all birthdays end up memorable or filled with love, but this one did. Ed must take full responsibility for how great it was, from the cake being exactly what I would have gotten myself, to him suggesting we take it to my mom's to have her share in the celebration...then a road trip to Lewiston to see Buddy Guy after an opening act I had never seen nor heard of, Robert Randolf and the Family Band, then crossing into Canada and checking into a motel nearby the strollpath to the falls. I thoroughly enjoyed walking with Ed along the path, under the Rainbow Bridge (scary for me with my thing about bridges), and further, with a rare passerby and the entire scene essentially to ourselves. The next day was wonderful too...ahh...I truly love thinking back to that trip...
The RV has varied problems that are proving difficult to take care of and there are times I feel very worn down about it. I hope that the list I just made doesn't continue to make my head spin in overwhelm, while I still have big projects on the house that must be done soon. I hope to be able to stain the deck soon...weather has been too wet to allow, and I have concerns about the solvents in the stain. Rather than make another to-do list here, let's just say that I feel like I have more to do than is possible and that although cancer has adjusted my perspective, I still get nervous and sometimes worried. I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I have some ideas, but am not sure the sequence in which they must occur. And then there is the whole business of where I am going to be living this fall and winter. Holidays alone are no longer gonna cut it for me. I have a drive to make life be more fulfilling...we shall see.
To that end, I have a part time job. I am a caregiver to a six year old autistic child 2-3 afternoons a week. She and I connected immediately and although she cannot be unattended at all, doesn't use hardly any words and uses diapers, I find the job mostly rewarding and one in which I learn. I am very tired afterwards, by and large. I end up walking a lot...to the park with the child, up and down flights of stairs at the house and then being on fully...well, it is these times, after work, that I recall I am not recovered from the chemo yet. Not fully myself...So, a job while trying to handle maintenance on the house, empty rooms (not my strength), add to the pile for the sale that I had best have very soon, deal with readying the rv for travel, and it is no wonder that I have been feeling not-so-balanced.
There is so much more to say...I feel keenly aware of what living healthily would look like and am close...but the uneasiness with the to-do list, the uncertainties of other important aspects of my life, and the fact time seems to be zipping by, have me concerned. I'm not tripping out, but am often up too late reading all I can on the internet, as I attempt to learn one of my least favorite ways about things I really have no experience with. I just halted writing this to skip over to the Toyota RV Motorhome forum to post an outreach to any Central New Yorker who may be willing to come teach me some of the stuff I need to know...which felt productive. I also need to reply to some clist folks who are seeking housing that sounds like mine.
So, yeah, life is fully going on. I seek balance. I am one day away from going to the dentist and getting my teeth cleaned and that is a very exciting sign I am nearly 3 months post chemo. Oh, did I mention that my hair is growing in nicely? Let me end this post and head to bed by sharing a true story:
Last week I was shopping at a local health food store. They were having samples and sales and I was in there longer than I had planned. A woman approached me and said, "I love your hair!" My immediate and sincere response was, "Oh, thank you! I do, too! It's grown long enough to be noticeable!" The stranger's face told me she did not know, as I had assumed, that I was a cancer patient, blah, blah, blah. Upon realizing this, I explained my having completed chemo and the fact that the heat of summer had me ditch the wig a while ago and how I realized the joy of having such short hair in the summertime of CNY. The woman immediately asked if I was ok, and I was happy to elaborate on that, too. She concluded our interaction by telling me how she sincerely had no idea it wasn't cut the way it was purposefully and how good it looks. Wow! It was a make-my-day kind of interaction, for sure.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Post cancer amped to live...I guess it just alienates me
While laying around during chemo times and looking forward to life after cancer, I imagined doing this and doing that...all positive things that would have me living, fully. I think going through what I did and having success has left me amped up...and wanting to do as much as possible.
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