I am not one to dwell on anniversary dates, well I honor myself on my birthday, but at this time there is not another significant date to dwell on. I am contemplating the importance of honoring this date as a milestone. It was the date I endured the last potent infusion-treatment... which had already worked to rid my body of the invasive disease called cancer.
One year ago, I rejoiced as I came home from my last treatment...well, as I recall, and I had to look back to verify, it was a tricky thing because I had driven myself to treatment but realized in the chair that I really could not drive myself home. I called a friend who I had not asked for help during my chemo and she had to squeeze me into a bunch of already arranged do-for-others errands. I recall it was hot out and I sat in the back of the car. We had to pick someone else up and when I made it home and got dropped off....then I was relieved. I had endured not only the treatment, but the humbling aspect of having to inconvenience others to get through the ordeal. I accepted most offers for help and hated like hell to ask for anything not offered from anyone. I think that is just part of who I am because I still have those same difficulties. I was eager to be on with it...living fully and accomplishing more than maintenance through the difficult.
The current struggles have to do with lack of finances and what one goes through in order to survive in search of thrive. I can see clearly that choices I felt were what I needed to do were overall harmful to my being. The job I accepted has been toxic...in the truest sense of the word. I was with sinus issues immediately but thought perhaps they were due to the cold lobby and adjacent block wall I was stationed next to and the exposure to so many people with my somewhat weakened immune system. It turns out there was black mold growing profusely beneath the wallpaper and the worst of it was right where I was stationed. After that nightmare was unearthed and abated, painting commenced and the fumes effected me gravely. Coming forward about it has netted me a shunning treatment that recently led to everyone who was per diem and untrained going to a two week training that I was not told about nor able to take advantage of. Nothing like feeling like your earnest and professional efforts to serve the not-that-great State of NY are more than unappreciated. To know one is on one's way out is a force to reckon with. Maintaining self-worth and knowing in my heart and soul that I have done an outstanding job without training and interfacing with hundreds of folks a day, respectfully and courteously...and knowing how many of them have walked over and thanked me for being real and concerned is yet another challenge. For the truth shines in the background while in the foreground is the knowledge I am not wanted nonetheless. And I still struggle to learn the types of mold I was exposed to as I await my long-awaited appointment to be seen by occupational health professionals. I still have sinus issues and my respiratory system, per recent tests, shows signs of having been harmed. Damn it all. I never ever would have exposed myself to toxins purposely, that is for certain. Is the mold growing inside the walls again? I leave this topic aside as it is still unfolding and unsettling and unsettled.
I am at a crossroad. I want to live a healthy life in a milder-than-CNY-can-offer place. I want to be able to let go of the house that has served me well here and the yard the dog has grown up to be his best and happiest self in. The thought of adventuring across the country alone to move has been a bit troubling, but I must have faith and strive to get that can-do spirit reinvigorated. The work ahead is daunting and in process.
I am happy that one of my very dearest friends will be here tomorrow to visit and be my companion for a little over two days. I know I will benefit from proximity and ability to laugh and talk and be together. Hooray for Lisa and all she has been in and to my life!
Other important matters I have no control over have been in my backdrop intruding into my head. It takes effort to squelch them after giving them attention. All and all, this is a bit of a trying time. And yet...and still...it is the anniversary date of an event that was significant.
I'll end this with the thought of manifesting one's best notions...or dreams. I have a history of manifesting the ability to purchase things I want at reduced and affordable-to-me prices and getting parking spots when it would seem to others to be impossible. Hmm...I want to take this to a new height...and make my truest dreams come true. Now that I have written that, I think I will go ...mysteriously...because only I know what I mean by dreams come true.
Sante! My dear friend Katerine KC and I toast together and she says the Italian, Salute! and I say the French, Sante! In the truest form, I say cheers to health on this day of honoring where I was at one year ago. May I one day be able to report my dreams come true!
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