...it's been a while...

...tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of my last infusion of chemotherapy.It is a distant memory...sitting in the chair in the infusion room and being poked and inundated. I had just the right head-space going to consider the therapy as a ticket out of the imminent threat of death that stage iv diagnosis gave me.

I thought that once I was over the cancer, had an adventure on the open road and settled back into life without all the medical appointments, life would be grand. Some of the unforseens have really got me questioning myself. I thought I really had it down: never let fear cast it's shadow on life. But, alas, going it solo has worn me down. I have been too hopeful at times I shouldn't have and it seems my tolerances are down. I think I did better handling stresses while I was undergoing treatment and that seems strange. 

I have felt and told others that having cancer taught me a lot and that I saw the myriad ways that it actually enriched my life to go through that difficult time. Hmm...what about how you feel post cancer? Lot's of glee fully accessible to my heart...yup, still true...ability to handle a difficult job dealing with hundreds of people a day...yup, compassionate and smart enough...but ability to handle being disposable and unappreciated...not-so-good. And maybe that's really it. The stress from my work situation has taken a toll on my soul. 

So this post-chemo one year later time is one in which I have to go the next step: fully stand up for myself and worry not about what shall happen. It is time to remove that which harms me from my life as best I can. 

I am awaiting the results of my ct scan with contrast and CA-125 lab results. My CA 125 number has twice doubled, but as of 6 weeks ago, it was still within the normal range. I have not liked it's doubling and have admittedly worried some over that. I am currently on a very clean diet and log all I eat. I am in the process of shedding extra weight, and although it will have to be a long process, it is one worth doing. My joint pain has decreased significantly since I began 15 days ago. I do take turmeric and pepper with flax seed oil daily, too...and have made it a priority to afford my Herbal Aloe Force supplement. I have thought about what I will do if cancer rears itself again, but never let the concept ferment. 

I shall flush this missive out on the anniversary of the last chemo and give more thought to what is important to share in the meantime.