It's tricky to expose one's life via blog. I free-write and tell my story as a way to journal, record, and educate. I am going though a time like no other in terms of challenges and others out there may resonate in ways for having been or facing similar straits. I am honest here. If I am struggling emotionally, as the very, very sensitive person I am, it colors what I write. If others actions weigh heavily on me, and I'm already struggling, there's likelihood I will process through writing...and in such a process it seems feelings of others may be hurt. I'm not sure how to handle such matters. Censor...naturally there are always filters on...bu this is true gray area.
I held back on saying exactly how glum I felt during the previous week. When facing my reality, home alone, debilitated and vulnerable, I struggled deeply. I still feel shaken by the feeling that I can be distanced from for any reason when so very shakily recovering from a difficult to be in, difficult to care for situation. An infection, chemo, constipation, nausea and all the associated needs and discomforts...and they couldn't all cease at once with me magically fine when my helper left. ...it became very unhealthy for me to feel deserted.
Emotional pain & ill health, inability...cancer patients feeling such realities need support. Family, friends, loved one's...need to provide comfort & support in a loving manner for best outcomes to be possible. I feel strongly about this.
Today, while infusing with 45 grams of IV Vitamin C, I finished reading the book, "Radical Remission." I learned a lot through the vignettes of other cancer patients who followed their intuition and sought treatment outside the scope of what the traditional western medicine doctors recommended. Amongst the chapters, all of which were engaging and important, was one about emotional health...holding anger, hurt and the damaging consequences to one's health. It resonated with me and I feel certain I know the source of many hurts that I need to fully let go of, as opposed to sort of let go of. It is a process, but some of my hurts go back quite far and I thought they were shed...only to discover, they still have a place in my being that needs to be abandoned. And I am taking a vow to shift or eliminate any remaining toxic relationships. Juxtapositioning these with my rich, deep friendships, it is clear that the contrast in how they feel is polar opposite. My life seems to depend on weeding out sorrow and embracing joy willingly, knowingly, mindfully.
I skipped writing yesterday, a day during which a lot of positive movement happened. I signed on with two real estate agents who listed the house for the price that I had in mind when I began the process. I let a realtor who came and essentially insulted me with his idea of a price to offer the house, based on comps that were not truly comps, influence me negatively. I did a for sale by owner listing, which is how the new realtors in my life came to me. And that story, which I may write another day, unfolded as a true meant-to-be kind of tale. Anyhow, the house is on the market and today I got a call that tomorrow a realtor will be bringing the first folks over to see it! By 3:30 pm, Barb and I will have to have it as together as it can be. And we are running a sale tomorrow, too.
I can honestly say the Vitamin C is helping my energy level tremendously. I am so grateful that I learned of the integrative specialist as I did in 2012. I fully believe I am doing myself right to be infusing twice weekly this time. I worried about funding last time and did half the amount that the University of Kansas recommends to accompany chemo, specifically ovarian cancer chemo. This time, with a recurrence of ovarian cancer with tumors amuk in my peritoneal area, I refuse to sell myself short, despite no monies to cover. I am going to invest in myself with the credit card until the house sells. And now...it is poised to sell!
Today while I was infusing, I was blessed that Ed, who I initiated conversation with two evenings ago, came over and accomplished many things that were important to have done before showing the house. He shampooed the carpet, installed a new ground fault receptacle, installed a closet door slider/keeper set, and brought firewood up. These were true demonstrations of caring for which I am grateful. Yet how I felt this past week lingers as a nagging feeling I'm not something...and the defition of something remains unclear. I am resiliently moving forward now, as I must to succeed in my quest to go into remission, pack, sell and move cross country, while simultaneously handling affairs of my mothers and getting the bailiwick ready to hand off when I go.
I am tired, too tired to think through some of the principles I wish to share. I am excited at the prospect of a potential buyer coming...and know I will be working very hard from morning til the time I drive off to let the lookers see. I am wishing for people to come who will truly love the home and see all of the great aspects. I'd like them to offer me asking price or very close to it, so that I can wrap this chapter up. I have much to accomplish in CA, too. The work is all awaiting...but it is the one step after the other boogie I am doing now....and so, for today, I will close with much more to hit upon in blog soon.
I would like to end with the thought that IV high dose Vitamin C is bringing me back to feeling functional and able. It is rebuilding my body's immunity while fully oxygenating and killing cancer cells. Love it and the fact I have the credit card to place the bill on. Heck, I am earning miles, too.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
All Souls Day...struggling and doing, albeit slowly
I keep trying to put on a strong face and believe it is all gonna work out for me. I woke up extremely anxious. I find my situation hard to believe. I miss the person who I thought was there for me. I try to console myself. I feel like giving up. I lit a candle and said a prayer. I admit I am not overly skilled at self-love. It is an obvious need...feeling loved.
Am I confused? Sure. Clear? In some ways, I am. Why now? Why? Why did my support have to drop away from me now? No answers. Just an uneasiness inside. I know yesterday I was trying to be creative in my mind....I'll find someone to help me to do it all...this morning, after laying there with my heart pounding, realizing just how alone I am, I called Trooper. He came and cuddled with me for a half hour. I fed him the love I'm used to dishing into my boyfriend and he gave back. We created the same pool of love that I have cherished in my life. It felt wonderful. He hugged me and I him. Ah. Love. It is vital. Friendships are, too. And I love all of my friends dearly. Friends...
Barb came over and brought me a couple more veggies I wanted and were not available at yesterday's market. She also packed three boxes while I worked in my room. Problem is: I got a bunch taken off shelves and dresser and onto bed and got so tired that I am now resting. I am not nearly what I was before chemo. This is distressing. I am trying to beat the weather...beat the cancer...ready the house for open house, run more sales, keep boxing and I am too tired to get through an hour's work. How will the wood walk itself up the stairs. Should I spend my small reserve on trying to get the carpet clean in the morning? How is it this is gonna work out? I see no answers. I have always had faith it would all work out, but I had the belief that I had a person committed to me in the mix and for days now, he has vanished. I try to push it away, but I was accustomed to talking, interacting, and truthfully, relying on him, particularly now during post-chemo recoup time.
Is it cop-out time? I have had moments throughout the past few days when I feel like coping out on myself. The mountain sometimes seems too high to climb alone, I am not that strong. I went through the last round of cancer determined to demonstrate to anyone watching a can-do faith-filled response. This time, I began feeling can-do, stressed to complete more than felt doable, but secure with the belief my quasi-partner would be alongside me. I am not adjusting well to the change he felt the need to make. I feel discarded when love is what I need.
How to regroup and keep up the fight, even when weak? I do not want to live alone and once in California, I am going to be certain I do not find myself in such a situation. I do try to keep a vision in my mind of the places I long to return to, but also the places I long to see. I truly need to make it to the village in Italy that my mother was born in. Something tells me I will make grand discoveries there. I want to go throughout Italy, to Calabria where my father was born, but Castiglione especially beckons. I want to find new-to-me hot springs in natural settings and compare and contrast them. I want to be in love with someone who wants to be with me as a partner, through great adventures we create, simple moments in natural settings, snuggling and giggling the morning away...I hope keeping dreams alive will help me to get past the current hurdles...to more life, happy fullfilling life once remission occurs. Amen to positive endings....
Am I confused? Sure. Clear? In some ways, I am. Why now? Why? Why did my support have to drop away from me now? No answers. Just an uneasiness inside. I know yesterday I was trying to be creative in my mind....I'll find someone to help me to do it all...this morning, after laying there with my heart pounding, realizing just how alone I am, I called Trooper. He came and cuddled with me for a half hour. I fed him the love I'm used to dishing into my boyfriend and he gave back. We created the same pool of love that I have cherished in my life. It felt wonderful. He hugged me and I him. Ah. Love. It is vital. Friendships are, too. And I love all of my friends dearly. Friends...
Barb came over and brought me a couple more veggies I wanted and were not available at yesterday's market. She also packed three boxes while I worked in my room. Problem is: I got a bunch taken off shelves and dresser and onto bed and got so tired that I am now resting. I am not nearly what I was before chemo. This is distressing. I am trying to beat the weather...beat the cancer...ready the house for open house, run more sales, keep boxing and I am too tired to get through an hour's work. How will the wood walk itself up the stairs. Should I spend my small reserve on trying to get the carpet clean in the morning? How is it this is gonna work out? I see no answers. I have always had faith it would all work out, but I had the belief that I had a person committed to me in the mix and for days now, he has vanished. I try to push it away, but I was accustomed to talking, interacting, and truthfully, relying on him, particularly now during post-chemo recoup time.
Is it cop-out time? I have had moments throughout the past few days when I feel like coping out on myself. The mountain sometimes seems too high to climb alone, I am not that strong. I went through the last round of cancer determined to demonstrate to anyone watching a can-do faith-filled response. This time, I began feeling can-do, stressed to complete more than felt doable, but secure with the belief my quasi-partner would be alongside me. I am not adjusting well to the change he felt the need to make. I feel discarded when love is what I need.
How to regroup and keep up the fight, even when weak? I do not want to live alone and once in California, I am going to be certain I do not find myself in such a situation. I do try to keep a vision in my mind of the places I long to return to, but also the places I long to see. I truly need to make it to the village in Italy that my mother was born in. Something tells me I will make grand discoveries there. I want to go throughout Italy, to Calabria where my father was born, but Castiglione especially beckons. I want to find new-to-me hot springs in natural settings and compare and contrast them. I want to be in love with someone who wants to be with me as a partner, through great adventures we create, simple moments in natural settings, snuggling and giggling the morning away...I hope keeping dreams alive will help me to get past the current hurdles...to more life, happy fullfilling life once remission occurs. Amen to positive endings....
Saturday, November 1, 2014
All Saints Day...
I awoke to a text from previously unnamed dear friend, Barb, who inquired about what I might want from the farmer's market. She knew that I am out of many needed foods. I sent her a list and she has subsequently delivered the couple of things she was able to find me. Super appreciated. Meanwhile, there was a very disturbing email that got my heart racing this morning. I read it from bed and laid there somewhat stunned for a while. More blows. But, I get it. That which does not kill me will make me stronger. And I am! I feel a bit better, though now fighting an even stronger cold on this very chilly day. I want firewood upstairs and a warming fire to be in the fireplace, but that is not in today's realm of possibilities.
What this chapter is confirming is that cancer will push a person to their personal limits, and perhaps the people they have in their life who offer support, too. I always chose to explain childbirth similarly to pregnant women: "In labor, you will reach your own personal threshold of pain"....well, I'm now kind of wondering if combating recurrent cancer isn't about the same. Emotional and physical pain have abounded.
Having the person whom I believed would support me through my treatment abruptly depart has impacted me hard. But...I have now begun to creatively and openly imagine the possibilities as endless as I think about how I will get to California in a timely manner with my belongings in between treatments two and three. I am now very specifically working at forgiving myself for the choices I have made in the last year that I see were not in my best interest. I am gonna be about intentional self-love...gonna take the love I have been willing to pour into others and redirect it. Self-love must include being okay with that wonderful part of myself that has foolishly invested herself somewhat delusionally in the past in matters of the heart. I have worked with a counselor off and on in adult life and know my thematics and their origins. We all carry wounds and I'd like to think we are all self-reflective and live aspiring to learn and grow, although that is very idealistic...another part of me I have to love for it offers me hope when perhaps others would find none.
I feel as I did the day my father died. After the shock, I got at it...I accomplished. Problem is, I've done not much more than sit on the sofa and move a few things off of my dresser and into a box. It took me far too long to feed myself today. I had two calls from dear friends in the DC area today. My best friend has given me vital support on multiple levels and her love permeated me through our call. Right now, I need love more than anything, or so it feels. That is why I am focusing on self-love. So...I feel a strength similar to that I received the day my dad died is coming to me and by tomorrow I may indeed have the physical strength to do the things I now have lined up to accomplish. Amen.
I am very grateful that for five days and nights I had support during a time of true and utter vulnerable need. When the support departed, it became sorely missed. It shocked me to have it disappear. I believed something to be true that was not. Now I must adjust, regroup and step forward. On this All Saints Day, I am going to light a candle and ask for divine guidance. I do not want to ask of others what they are not capable of giving. And I need more help. Inner healing will come of this difficult time. I believe that with all of my being.
Cancer, schmancer you have come into my body
and at times I have felt glum
I am going to turn a leaf from this toil
like those in view turning a brilliant eye-catching color...
only to blow to the ground to rot into next years productive soil.
I am on a path to remission, am going to move in the process, sell my NY home and go handle the CA homestead. The ocean and redwoods beckon. I no longer have any sense of how that is going to happen. I have learned so much so far, it is amazing. And I know where I fell short on making important life changes since my last remission. I have gleaned insights from the book "Radical Remission"and know that all relationships in my life that create toxicity are going to be shifted or purged. I have never felt able to do that, but I feel like that is really changing. So I end giving thanks for the pearls that adversity provides.
What this chapter is confirming is that cancer will push a person to their personal limits, and perhaps the people they have in their life who offer support, too. I always chose to explain childbirth similarly to pregnant women: "In labor, you will reach your own personal threshold of pain"....well, I'm now kind of wondering if combating recurrent cancer isn't about the same. Emotional and physical pain have abounded.
Having the person whom I believed would support me through my treatment abruptly depart has impacted me hard. But...I have now begun to creatively and openly imagine the possibilities as endless as I think about how I will get to California in a timely manner with my belongings in between treatments two and three. I am now very specifically working at forgiving myself for the choices I have made in the last year that I see were not in my best interest. I am gonna be about intentional self-love...gonna take the love I have been willing to pour into others and redirect it. Self-love must include being okay with that wonderful part of myself that has foolishly invested herself somewhat delusionally in the past in matters of the heart. I have worked with a counselor off and on in adult life and know my thematics and their origins. We all carry wounds and I'd like to think we are all self-reflective and live aspiring to learn and grow, although that is very idealistic...another part of me I have to love for it offers me hope when perhaps others would find none.
I feel as I did the day my father died. After the shock, I got at it...I accomplished. Problem is, I've done not much more than sit on the sofa and move a few things off of my dresser and into a box. It took me far too long to feed myself today. I had two calls from dear friends in the DC area today. My best friend has given me vital support on multiple levels and her love permeated me through our call. Right now, I need love more than anything, or so it feels. That is why I am focusing on self-love. So...I feel a strength similar to that I received the day my dad died is coming to me and by tomorrow I may indeed have the physical strength to do the things I now have lined up to accomplish. Amen.
I am very grateful that for five days and nights I had support during a time of true and utter vulnerable need. When the support departed, it became sorely missed. It shocked me to have it disappear. I believed something to be true that was not. Now I must adjust, regroup and step forward. On this All Saints Day, I am going to light a candle and ask for divine guidance. I do not want to ask of others what they are not capable of giving. And I need more help. Inner healing will come of this difficult time. I believe that with all of my being.
Cancer, schmancer you have come into my body
and at times I have felt glum
I am going to turn a leaf from this toil
like those in view turning a brilliant eye-catching color...
only to blow to the ground to rot into next years productive soil.
I am on a path to remission, am going to move in the process, sell my NY home and go handle the CA homestead. The ocean and redwoods beckon. I no longer have any sense of how that is going to happen. I have learned so much so far, it is amazing. And I know where I fell short on making important life changes since my last remission. I have gleaned insights from the book "Radical Remission"and know that all relationships in my life that create toxicity are going to be shifted or purged. I have never felt able to do that, but I feel like that is really changing. So I end giving thanks for the pearls that adversity provides.
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