The Solstice has passed and thus the days are shortening in length...not too fast, but it is nonetheless so. Additionally, I find my feeling tied to cancer, treatment, and a patient-persona is shortening, too...at an exponentially rapid clip. The more I do, the better I feel, it seems. I'm getting pretty active, biking, walking, doing, and sometimes I need a day of rest afterwards, but it sure feels great to be fully living!
I'm infusing with Vitamin C as I write. As it stands, I committed to one more dose. I did not get to interview for state DMV job, although that seemed like it was going to happen. I'm looking for agreeable part-time work, just to keep life going, but nothing yet. Meanwhile, a trip across the country is in the planning stages. I recognize myself at a crossroad, but am consciously not tripping about the work, decisions, pace or unknowns.
Life has felt rich and full lately. Although there is no question the residuals of cancer-conquer treatment are evident...visibly as wig-worn wig-wearing and drawn on brows, if I want to sport brows. In the humid heat, my wig is an irritant at best. I leave it on for others' comfort, certainly not my own. The mirror is a smack-like reminder of what I've just gone through, but otherwise, the chapter is drawing to a close...because I feel and think as a patient less and less.
As for my head, once fully bald without any traces of hair, it is now covered in a soft, fledgling-like downy soft, mostly light grayish hair, the likes of which I have never seen. There is also a dark, coarse hair stubble coming in. I see more of each daily and am excited beyond belief. And although two weeks after chemo six I lost almost all of my eyebrows and lashes, the brows are now growing in! I will update about this. For those of us who have been chosen to get on the well-side to cancer, hair return is a significant component. I am eager, however, as has been the case with each step of cancer treatment, cancer coping, the opportunity to enhance one's patience is intrinsic. Wow...just checked my arms and I see that they too are growing hair. Praise be!
In this getting-past-treatment portion of overcoming Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, I feel increased stamina and a mind going full-tilt-boogie with ideas. Is this the consequence of laying through post-chemos? I seem to be robustly wanting to do summerish doings like a thirsty horse!
I'm also spending at least an hour a day researching health, the scientific data on gmo's, where to get clean food (not really as easy as one might hope given the lax laws and corporate trends to please the growing demand for organic foods in a probably deceptive way). I spoke at length w a local truly organic farmer yesterday and learned quite a bit. For those who can, it is certainly safest to buy from a known organic farmer than to rely on corporate stores...who are putting out organic spring mix in plastic boxes and the stuff lasts weeks...which scares me. The topic of food as what we feed our bodies, our selves, is intuitively a top-of-the-list topic. The list of diseases that are becoming more and more common grows while animal-testing of animals fed GMO foods is showing, with statistical significance, that inflammation of intestines and bowels results in these poor animals. If one stops to think of inflammation-caused human diseases that are root-caused by diet....well, for me personally, ignorance is shrinking, awareness is up, and recognizing the importance of due-diligence is paramount. So, after I leave my infusion, it's to the local small-guy natural grocer with a wealth of knowledge as a bonus, for some food for health, with peace of mind. This topic, clean food and it's role in health and well-being, shall be expanded on in a future post. To say I feel strongly is not an overstatement. I know with my gut, brain and being that ignorance does not lead to bliss when it comes down to the nitty-gritty.
I get to live on....without cancer infesting and consuming me. I take it both seriously, as in with responsibility, and lightly, as in with light and love and glee blazing the trail of decisions on a given day. Make it a blessed day, full of gratitude...that is what I shall be doing!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Realizations
I have recognized myself as cursed with hope...I mean it has been my middle name since birth and I like to blame that as the primary reason I have so much hope so often, despite there being little reason to some of the time, while other times, I am hopeful and there are all kinds of reasons to be. The outcomes do not seem to be effected by hope, although I may pay more attention and see if there is any pattern.
I have not written lately which may be correctly interpreted as I have felt better and better and gotten out more and more. I felt such an improvement in stamina after the Vitamin C infusion of May 31 that it made me more certain than ever that it has helped me a lot during this journey to the other side of cancer. I have researched and decided on an organic food based oral vitamin c with probiotics and many mushroom extracts I had read much favorable data about. I found a great price and ordered myself what is needed to keep a high level of antioxidant C in my body. My job for the rest of my life is to eat healthily and to treat my body as I truly believe it should be treated...the place I get to reside in if I keep it healthy enough. I'm eating sprouted chia powder seeds in yogurt or salad or something daily. I love various sprouts and enjoy those, organic greens, no sugar...alkaline fruits...and as consecutive days of clean, healthy eating have built up, I notice I feel better. When situations force deviation, I do not feel as well. The more I have read, the more evidence I have learned of pointing to diet and it's role in health. So, so many diseases that are becoming statistically normal can be caused by poor diet...a typical American diet...laden with processed, gmo-grown, pesticide ridden foods, laced with "vitamin" fortification that is as good as a myth, and I find it haneous that standard doctors do not often advise patients to change their diet radically to overcome obstacles.
I am now paying attention to a lot more with my body, and to such things as my nose running. Without nose hairs, any fluid runs quickly down and out...just reality for now. Yesterday, the car I was in stopped in a parking lot and my nose began to run like a faucet. My friend asked if it was allergies, and I did not know what to say, since I have no allergies. But, as we walked away from the fresh pavement, the running stopped and I realized, the fresh tar with it's petrochemical emissions was the culprit. My body has been broken down and it is in the slow process of being rebuilt. I am certain that being in the most healthy environment possible is what I need. And I crave it.
One of my favorite days in a long while happened last week when I walked to Great Gully Falls...down the creek bed, no noises but nature...and the chill of the water in between my toes, which eventually did not feel chilly. I felt so in tune and in love with life. And love filled my being to my core. I remain grateful for such spots. It has been no secret to anyone who knows me that I yearn for the countryside in California from time to time, particularly so when I was coping with chemo. I also like summers here, when they feel like summer. The long days are always appreciated, but of course, warmth and sunshine after brutal winters are what create some sense of balance. And so far, this summer season is off to a wet and not very sunny start. Last June, in contrast, was full of warmth and sunshine and I was out enjoying. I hope that the rain will subside and a summer that allows outdoor adventure will emerge. Solstice is coming up and I always get out in nature to honor the day and life. My vision has been to canoe...we shall see.
We shall see is the new mantra. I have so many wondrous ideas...the spirit of adventure is alive in me as is a robust zest for life and living it to the fullest. The importance of love and nurturing are so strong and so greatly appreciated. I have been fortunate enough to experience these two vital aspects of life for many months now. Facing emptiness...a void of such again for any period of time seems too much to ask of my soul. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and have thought deeply. I have faced my fears, my demons, my desires, my necessities...and believe the crossroad I am at to be one of the most important ever. I am working slowly at the list that grows as I check things off. I remember several times daily: I get to live!!!! I have successfully gone and grown through chemo treatment after debulking surgery and am now free of the ovarian cancer that had run rampant in my peritoneal area. But I embraced it, I did not fear...I fully and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve cancer-free status and I also believed that my angel person, whose love lifted me past many obstacles in the recent past, would be with me to enjoy life after the lingering aspects of chemo subsided. Shared visions and goals...can not be assumed, though. It is a giant gift when love is cherished by each who feel it and held in a place of paramount importance. No matter what, I must go forward and care for myself. I know what I want most. Most. I have come to see love as the most important thing in one's life...and wise, informed and heart-felt choices must accompany for a full rich life. I want a full rich life. I will work hard to contribute to my dream of such. That is a dream I shall not drop...and yet there is a balance between being in the now, having healthy dreams, being wedded to such, being flexible, patient and empathetic. I seek to maintain balance daily. Now is all there is...and dreams matter. Wow.
What going through the challenges of a Stage IV Ovarian cancer discovery through the process of ridding my body of it does to one's being is profound. Beyond words. I try to put words to the ways in which I feel differently about life, about going after what one knows to intensify joy, to maintain the vital things in life after facing death head-on...maybe for those who have not had such an opportunity it is not possible to understand. And there may be no universals on that...maybe each survivor after near death is changed in a different fashion, but I believe it likely all are changed. I am not done with the after effects of cancer and do not yet feel settled in spirit. Perhaps the process is lifelong...perhaps I am about to make a break-through....I hope for enhanced strength through difficulties that continue to plague...
It is times like this the serenity prayer feels so guiding...I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have not written lately which may be correctly interpreted as I have felt better and better and gotten out more and more. I felt such an improvement in stamina after the Vitamin C infusion of May 31 that it made me more certain than ever that it has helped me a lot during this journey to the other side of cancer. I have researched and decided on an organic food based oral vitamin c with probiotics and many mushroom extracts I had read much favorable data about. I found a great price and ordered myself what is needed to keep a high level of antioxidant C in my body. My job for the rest of my life is to eat healthily and to treat my body as I truly believe it should be treated...the place I get to reside in if I keep it healthy enough. I'm eating sprouted chia powder seeds in yogurt or salad or something daily. I love various sprouts and enjoy those, organic greens, no sugar...alkaline fruits...and as consecutive days of clean, healthy eating have built up, I notice I feel better. When situations force deviation, I do not feel as well. The more I have read, the more evidence I have learned of pointing to diet and it's role in health. So, so many diseases that are becoming statistically normal can be caused by poor diet...a typical American diet...laden with processed, gmo-grown, pesticide ridden foods, laced with "vitamin" fortification that is as good as a myth, and I find it haneous that standard doctors do not often advise patients to change their diet radically to overcome obstacles.
I am now paying attention to a lot more with my body, and to such things as my nose running. Without nose hairs, any fluid runs quickly down and out...just reality for now. Yesterday, the car I was in stopped in a parking lot and my nose began to run like a faucet. My friend asked if it was allergies, and I did not know what to say, since I have no allergies. But, as we walked away from the fresh pavement, the running stopped and I realized, the fresh tar with it's petrochemical emissions was the culprit. My body has been broken down and it is in the slow process of being rebuilt. I am certain that being in the most healthy environment possible is what I need. And I crave it.
One of my favorite days in a long while happened last week when I walked to Great Gully Falls...down the creek bed, no noises but nature...and the chill of the water in between my toes, which eventually did not feel chilly. I felt so in tune and in love with life. And love filled my being to my core. I remain grateful for such spots. It has been no secret to anyone who knows me that I yearn for the countryside in California from time to time, particularly so when I was coping with chemo. I also like summers here, when they feel like summer. The long days are always appreciated, but of course, warmth and sunshine after brutal winters are what create some sense of balance. And so far, this summer season is off to a wet and not very sunny start. Last June, in contrast, was full of warmth and sunshine and I was out enjoying. I hope that the rain will subside and a summer that allows outdoor adventure will emerge. Solstice is coming up and I always get out in nature to honor the day and life. My vision has been to canoe...we shall see.
We shall see is the new mantra. I have so many wondrous ideas...the spirit of adventure is alive in me as is a robust zest for life and living it to the fullest. The importance of love and nurturing are so strong and so greatly appreciated. I have been fortunate enough to experience these two vital aspects of life for many months now. Facing emptiness...a void of such again for any period of time seems too much to ask of my soul. I have learned a lot in the past 24 hours and have thought deeply. I have faced my fears, my demons, my desires, my necessities...and believe the crossroad I am at to be one of the most important ever. I am working slowly at the list that grows as I check things off. I remember several times daily: I get to live!!!! I have successfully gone and grown through chemo treatment after debulking surgery and am now free of the ovarian cancer that had run rampant in my peritoneal area. But I embraced it, I did not fear...I fully and wholeheartedly believed I would achieve cancer-free status and I also believed that my angel person, whose love lifted me past many obstacles in the recent past, would be with me to enjoy life after the lingering aspects of chemo subsided. Shared visions and goals...can not be assumed, though. It is a giant gift when love is cherished by each who feel it and held in a place of paramount importance. No matter what, I must go forward and care for myself. I know what I want most. Most. I have come to see love as the most important thing in one's life...and wise, informed and heart-felt choices must accompany for a full rich life. I want a full rich life. I will work hard to contribute to my dream of such. That is a dream I shall not drop...and yet there is a balance between being in the now, having healthy dreams, being wedded to such, being flexible, patient and empathetic. I seek to maintain balance daily. Now is all there is...and dreams matter. Wow.
What going through the challenges of a Stage IV Ovarian cancer discovery through the process of ridding my body of it does to one's being is profound. Beyond words. I try to put words to the ways in which I feel differently about life, about going after what one knows to intensify joy, to maintain the vital things in life after facing death head-on...maybe for those who have not had such an opportunity it is not possible to understand. And there may be no universals on that...maybe each survivor after near death is changed in a different fashion, but I believe it likely all are changed. I am not done with the after effects of cancer and do not yet feel settled in spirit. Perhaps the process is lifelong...perhaps I am about to make a break-through....I hope for enhanced strength through difficulties that continue to plague...
It is times like this the serenity prayer feels so guiding...I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday already!
I never returned to complete the blog on Friday. I went to get labs drawn, to confer with Dr. Puc, and to get a Vitamin C infusion. I felt fortunate that the luck of the draw got me the fellow I think the absolute best at inserting into or withdrawing from the port. He inserted, no pain, but had a very difficult time getting blood to flow. Tear rolled for me. That had to do with my sensitivities and continued difficulties. The bottom line was patience and coughing and breathing deep and patience and he got the three tubes of blood out. I then went in to see Dr. Puc. She and I talked about several things on my mind. I asked how long it would realistically take for me to have some hair...and although it varies, she thought three months should have me seeing and feeling and dealing with hair. Hooray! I now feel excited because I know that it is going to be fun to see my hair grow in. I am told it might come in a different consistency or with different body than previously seen. Ok, wonders I, does that mean I may have very straight hair about to come in? To be revealed...
Dr. Puc suggested I stay with Vitamin C through July if possible. I am not sure it will be, but I am scheduled through to the first week in July to get one treatment per week. And wow am I glad. After Friday's infusion, I felt better. By Saturday, I went out for a drive into the foothills of the Adirondacks and to a water fall. I walked further than in a long while and enjoyed thoroughly my time in nature. Thoroughly!! The water's sound, the clarity of the stream, the scenery around, the fact several others were there, yet I felt able to walk a short distance and be private, all were noticed and appreciated. By evening time, my knee hurt a lot and I could only imagine it was due to walking down hill to get to the falls.
Sunday the knee was even worse. It wouldn't bend. So I put the last of the mineral salts into the tub and ran a hot bath. I got in and ran the jets...one right on my knee. Afterwards, I sat and talked with Becky, who came to spend the day chatting with me. It was perfect. In the evening, after eating my dinner, my knee suddenly got much better. I was pleased, and tried to draw some conclusions. I wondered if when the knee began to hurt after the walk, it could be attributed to anything. No certainties could be associated with the pain.
I know that as I look back at last Friday and how I felt previously and how I have felt afterwards, it is clear the Vitamin C infusion boosted me up. I am eager to get in for next weeks infusion. I see now that without adding any more chemo and by continuing to infuse with Vitamin C, I am going to get my lousy blood numbers turned around and my vitality shall respond accordingly. Friday, my labs showed a body fighting hard...red cell counts, white...well actually, every category was either high or low. The results were the worst ever. But, as I eat and drink healthily and infuse with Vitamin C, I am getting past the negative side effects of beating stage IV ovarian cancer with chemotherapy. I am gleeful to wake up and see how I feel, and consciously note the difference between now and last week, for example. And so it is I ensure I shall be grateful for the progress that has come.
The weather plays a role in how I feel, too. When it is too hot and humid, I have less and limited energy. When, as is the case today, it is cooler and still sunny, I have a bounce in my step again.
Amen to how great it is to be feeling better daily, healing, and farther from the side effects of chemotherapy. Cheers to being on the other side of Stage IV Ovarian Cancer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)