The snow flies...as does my hair

Days have passed since I last wrote about the life adventure my daughter titled "Life with Cancer"...I had a wonderful, loving Valentine's Day evening and the next day with my dearest Ed. I cannot overstate the importance the nurturing I receive has in my overall outlook and in my general well-being. In the vein of loving people in my life, Lisa flew in from Silver Spring the morning Ed went home. She and I ate yummy organic foods she cooked, did yoga, meditated, began a Peter Max puzzle, vintage 1967, of a psychedelic prism kaleidoscope, talked and shared the joys of a rich friendship.

Here is is just 2 days later and I am having a meltdown of sorts. This morning my hair has begun to fall out...not just a strand of two. This was predicted, but nonetheless devastating. I have always liked my hair. I had grown in long until January 28, when I had it cut very short, as in a pixie cut. That was traumatic for me because my hair was warm and made up a large part of my identity. Warm...yeah, it matters. Turns out the pixie cut looked better than anticipated, inspiring many a complementary comment, but it left my head and ears quite cold in a quite cold climate. The reason for the cut: to make it so that when my hair fell out from the chemo, something I was told would definitely occur with the regiment I am on, it would be less dramatic for me. So...why am I struggling now? I was told about two weeks after the first chemo by my surgeon...and like she said, just two weeks and two days later it is coming out. I knew...and yet...when I saw so many hairs, albeit short ones, all over my pajamas this morning, I began to cry.

And for the first time in a long while, I also felt pitiful and angry. Why me? And why now! And why is money so tight that the cost of a wig tipped me over the scales as I thought about such options immediately? Indeed,  the financial aspect of getting in balance, becoming well, is causing me to stress, despite knowing that stressing is useless at best.

I continue to look for ways to alleviate the financial burdens I am under. I have bought lottery tickets, placed for sale personal items, and dwindled resources originally earmarked for another time in my life...later on. I have been grateful for having something to dwindle down, but as I see no sustainability on the path, I have begun to really wonder what will have to transpire to get me through this difficult time. I know once I am done with the treatment and successfully cancer-free, I will have to sell this home in Baldwinsville, New York. Once I have accomplished that, I will have the funds to make the next move in life. But for now, I need the house to live comfortably in while I get well.

An irritable day it has been as I have shed tears for the beginning of baldness at 54, for having to shovel myself out of a foot of snow plus the salted-plow-snow at the end of the driveway, for living in a place where the harshness of winter effects ones core being, for still living alone at a time I could really and truly use not to be, and for feeling weak.  Are these feelings normal? Probably. Should I go ahead and mourn the losses I am enduring...of hair, of monies, of some of my physical strength as I accept chemotherapy as the means to regain balance...somewhere down the line? I believe the healthy answer to this question is yes. I will go ahead and allow myself to feel my feelings. I continue to look for ways to get my needs met, while I seek the balance between being in the moment, knowing my priority is to become well, and looking ahead to the bills coming in the mail. At least I know the total amount I will pay with my share of cost with my insurance and for the Vitamin C infusions that have already shown me their positive power.

I intend to rest with gratitude in my heart that I am on the path I need to be on. Perhaps tomorrow's post will be more joyful. ...to be revealed...