Hollow...wean

Just wanted to play with words and feelings....feeling a tad hollow at times and weaning myself from the perception of being supported...

Today I felt better enough to drive myself to the Vitamin C infusion. That is a grand blessing in itself. I now appear to be fighting off a cold because I have been sneezing and my nose is runny. Dang. This makes it impossible for me to take any chances and go into a grocery store, despite being low on many things now that I am up and caring for myself enough to take stock. I'm working on how to resolve this and feel sure I will be able to get someone to go to the store for me in the next day or two. But as for handing out goodies to kids tonight, that just will not be possible as I have nothing here to give.

It's funny all the complexities in life. I buy organic treats for kids and some years I get trick-or-treaters, and other years none. This morning, when I left to go get infused, I found a plastic bag with a printed note and two small treat bags within. The note was from neighbors who have an allergic child. They supplied two bags of treats for their two children and describe how they will appear at the door. Wow. They went through a lot to assure their children would have the experience and be healthy. Gotta appreciate that. It's a fairly short dead-end road and my guess is they will do all their trick-or-treating on this, their own, street. Without anything else to hand out for others, I cannot subject myself to open the door. It all feels kinda strange. Had I felt better sooner, I could have asked someone to pick up some organic candy days ago, but I was in the moment and not at all well....so this is a first. Not gonna turn on the light, the music or open the door. Sigh.

The Vitamin C infusion went well. I watched HGTV and enjoyed the mindlessness of sitting and taking helpful oxygenating vitamin c...known to aid the body in getting over harmful and difficult side effects of chemo, and also to kill ovarian cancer cells in tandum with chemo. I asked my nurse to try to schedule me an appt. with their social worker so that I can try to find out what resources exist in the community to help myself next time. Apparently that will happen next week. I also called my counselor to ask her how to get hooked up with a VA social worker and it was not through her, though she made a good suggestions I will look into on Monday.

Noteworthy to me, in the elevator on my way up to infuse, a women in her 70's began to speak to me. She ended up seeming like she had chemo brain, but told me of her colon cancer and how she had no one to help her. She asked about myself and seemed shocked when I said I also have cancer. I am now wondering how many people go through such a very, very difficult series of treatments and then are trying to care for themselves. I know how it adds to the difficulties to feel a burden or feel helpless or pathetic or feeble. How damn many people are supported by a committed someone or team of someones and how many piece it together marginally, or have not at all the support they need? This question now lingers. Our conversation was moving.

My drive home was one full of reflection and realizations. The trees are rapidly losing leaves and snow is forecast for this weekend. I began to think of all of the illusions I have been under and how when push comes to shove, I have a lot to figure out and implement. I began to imagine myself driving across the country...one week in the not so distant future, and I felt joy. I felt as though no matter what I thought was gonna hopefully happen, I can do this, with strong will and steadfastness. If I have to drive myself and Trooper, I really believe I can! It felt so good to break free from other trails of thought and ideas and to feel my own power. This too shall pass. I have five treatments to go and then I will be mending and moving into a new phase of life. An exciting new phase. Because I know I am going to rebuild my life into what I really want it to be.

Next time I write, maybe I should investigate the correlation between feeling unable to care for ones self and losing optimism. This is a big concept when you go back to how many cancer patients are not able to meet their own needs and how important positivity is to healing. Wow. Big. If you, the reader, are someone who is beginning the road to remission, try now to get your ducks in a row. Get a support team together if you are not in a truly committed relationship or have family that understand the meaning of the word. Be prepared for some friends to tell you they will be there, only to become conspicuously absent. It's tricky. If you are a person who knows someone who has cancer and is struggling with anything that you have the ability to help he or she with, help! Be generous. You are being morally and spiritually tested if you are in that situation. Don't be the kind of person who donates only if there is a tax write-off associated. Show you care in all the ways you can, for the difference you will make will go far beyond that which will be obvious. When a friend of mine phoned a few months ago and told me her sister had cancer, she asked me what she could do to help, I said to her,"If she is hurting financially, help her that way. Because when you are unable to earn what you need to survive, that stress adds its own dimension to the cancer."

I write this blog and wonder, who, if anyone, reads it. I have a friend who tells me she does, but I wonder who stumbles upon it, who begins to read, who fully reads...and does this help anyone but myself therapeutically? If you are a reader and wouldn't mind, please comment.