I have put off writing this for a long while. I had to refer to this blog to recall what it feels like to endure chemo because my mind conveniently glosses over those details. It's important to me to know though, because as I pack my belongings, make decisions about what to take and what to sell or give away and when to begin chemo, the details of what to expect matter.
I knew there was a correlation between my steadily rising CA 125 and the stress from knowing the long-standing cold symptoms were caused by exposure to mold and that the respiratory issues I still had were the result of taking a job that was not only one in which I had to learn everything on my own in order to enact the responsibilities responsibly, but it was one in which I was unappreciated and shunned for going above the boss to get the painting that was causing me further health issues to stop during work hours. The sum total of the job as an error in my life will never be fully equated. It just is. My CA 125 began to rise just after the mold was unearthed and exposed behind the wallpaper that had hid it, despite its place in the air I breathed every day I went to work and stood or sat nearby the door and adjacent what turned out to be a very moldy wall area. When the remediation was completed and I returned to the workplace, it was to be exposed to paint fumes that proved to be too much for my system. My CA 125 rose every month from the time the mold was exposed and the chemical spray sprayed quite near where I was stationed that fateful morning in early March 2014. And it rose and rose...
So, fast forward this tale to August 2014 when the antigen number went above the normal range high end of 30. By early September it was 103.5 and it is currently 113.7. My ct scan with contrast reveals I have tumors growing in my spleen, liver and other areas in the peritoneal area. The gyn oncologist and surgeon Dr. Cunningham told me that it is inoperable. She believes it will again respond to the two chemo agents used before and that I will again go into remission. However, she told me that the first remission in ovarian cancer is generally the longest.
When I said I had more to do in this life and that we had planned to go to Italy in the fall, she suggested I go ahead and book that trip. I just didn't feel I could pack and move back to the northcoast of CA and go to Italy, and sell my house in order to have any money to survive with or pay my health costs, etc. So, no trip to Italy on the horizon right now and I have begun the ever-so-daunting task of packing and purging.
Tomorrow morning the local realtor will be coming over to look at the house. I have worked as hard as is possible to repair whatever needed repairing and to revamp all that it was in my power to revamp. The place looks as good as it ever has since I bought it 8 years ago. And I have had to face the fact I love the home, enjoy many aspects of living in Baldwinsville, NY, and will likely miss the house and property and many friends. But I cannot float the taxes and such without an income. Add to that the fact I miss my granddaughter and realize that I deep down desire the chance to be around her. I must believe that her mother will allow us that, no matter what in order to propel myself forward and go through the difficult and tedious tasks ahead.
But this time of challenge goes well beyond the simple (ha!) tasks of packing, selling, and arranging logistics of getting my belongings back to CA because my 93+ year old mother is now failing to eat or drink enough and is experiencing geriatric failure to thrive. She has been in and out of the ER due to dehydration and falls three times in the past week. And that all took time and energy that was already earmarked for moving forward.
I have met my new oncologist and she and I agreed on last Friday as a start date for chemo. She knows I will be moving back to CA while doing chemo. But I had to call and cancel last Friday due to time spent on mom's life and the fact I can add up the facts: if I begin chemo and get weak and tired, as my blog seems to indicate is what happened last time, I will not have the umph to get all I need to do done. Damn it! It has become such a time of challenge that I do not know quite how to handle it other than to keep my chin up and work until tired daily. I just got done raking the lawn, trimming greenery from steps to the front, mopping the kitchen floor and vacuuming the house.
The realtors will come tomorrow and will give me their assessment of my homes' value at 9 am. After they leave, I will drive to the assisted living place my mother currently resides at the request of the case manager, and we shall discuss my mother. There is no doubt they will be telling me that she is aging and poor-healthing herself out of there. So, am I to move her - again - before my own move and will that be before or after my chemo? I dare not schedule it until the meeting is over.
Yeah, this is a time like no other. I have recurrent ovarian cancer, stage IV, am trying to get it together to do a cross country move after beginning chemo, and while doing what is possible to see my mother through the end of her life. Sigh. This is a very sighable situation.
I will write more after tomorrow's meetings. I believe if anyone can achieve the goals I have, which of course include overcoming this cancer and living healthily for many years, it is me. Amen.
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