Day 3...for me

Hannah was here helping me through my first round of chemo and she made it so I could stay in bed when that felt best. I think that day 3 was tough last time; it sure was today. I simply had to wait til I could muster up the umph to get out of bed, once I got past being nauseous. My morning regiment includes getting my supplements from the basket they are in and poured into the small bowl I take them from, making some tea, pouring some juice, some water and figuring out something to eat. Today this series was challenging. Once I was done, I went back to my room and layed down, ended up dozing.

I had a short visit from my sister today who brought some food she prepared. I tried on the 4 wigs and got her feedback. After she left, I laid back down. And it is gonna be an early night. I hope to sleep without waking from the joint pain.

I have not made a point of learning about all of the aspects of my treatment. It is not how I normally conduct my life at all. I generally research the hell out of decisions and know what is what. But when I decided to follow the path I am on and hooked up with the health care providers that I feel good about and trust, I have basically asked relatively little. During the "teach" session, I was told about all the side effects, the solutions, etc. I was told I would receive a shot the day after chemo that would trigger white blood cell growth from my bone marrow. It is called Neulasta. When I was waiting for it to be administered yesterday after the Vitamin C infusion was complete, I read the packaging. I learned the shot was derived from e coli! I have just read it is given to patients who receive high doses of chemotherapy and are at a danger of infection.The side effects are joint discomfort, mild or strong...and I have experienced both versions. Today it has been mild and I know last time it went from mild to strong on the forth day after chemo. I wait to see if the Vitamin C mitigates the joint discomfort this time and allows it to stay mild. To be revealed...

In addition to the discomforts mentioned above, my port is irritated feeling today. Tight...like it got used a lot. Truth is the feed was left in overnight since I was going to be returning after chemo for the Vitamin C infusion. I have no idea whether or not that is contributing to the way the port feels "used" for lack of a better term. Two days in a row of hours each...don't know if that matters. Anyhow, just a tad more that I notice is not feeling the same.

I share all of the above informatively. I accept what is going on fully. It is the path I am taking to rid my body of fast growing ovarian cancer cells. There is some discomfort associated with this path. And I am learning to manage my mind, to control thoughts, pain, sensations and reframe them. I am also paying more attention to my needs at any given time and doing my best to take care of body, mind, spirit.

Before Bed...After Vitamin C Round 2

Amazingly I had the energy to go to the Cancer Society and try on more wigs. Since no decision could be made, I took 4 home to think about, try on, feel for size, try on color, etc. After I got home, Barb came over with bananas and almond/coconut milk! We visited and she gave her opinion on wigs. The company helped me to gain strength. It is my time for realizing the importance and power of face-to-face interaction. I am so grateful for company these days!

Tonight I am realizing that I am feeling pretty good considering chemo was yesterday and I am handling all of my care today. So far, I feel very positive about the Vitamin C infusions. My thumb is healing! I am so very grateful about that because the burned skin had blistered and was crinkly, but it did not peel. A thin gauze strip that I change daily protects it from dirt but provides it air. And the fact it is healing means my immune system is still in gear.

As I ready for bed with my knitted cap on, I reflect on just how well this journey is going, all things considered.

Chemo 2nd Round Yesterday, Vit C Infusion Now

Feb. 26th has come and gone. It was a sunny morning and my second chemo date. Ed  brought me to and fro and got me an organic smoothie full of health during treatment. I did sleep a whole lot during the infusion, in large part due to the Ativan and Benadryl blend given after the anti-nausea and before the chemo. After the infusion, which takes a total of about six hours, I went and got my head shaved. The hair was falling out in such an annoying fashion that I decided to make it easier on myself. It seemed appropriate to do this monumental thing coinciding with the equally monumental second chemo. 

The beautician, Lisa, who carefully shaved my head pro bono, was wonderful. She would have shaped my new wig to my liking had we not discovered that without my hair, it is actually too big! Damn! This creates another needed outing to the Cancer Society office, the sooner, the better. I hope that I feel well enough after this infusion ends to handle driving there and making a decision...will be facing that decision in about an hour.

Last night I had the good fortune of having a healthy meal cooked for me after getting back to my house post head-shave. My rest was broken up, but decent last night. I awoke to ill feelings but used medications to conquer. I made a smoothie of cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, organic flax seed oil, spinach and strawberries. I took all supplements and drank herbal tea before driving myself to the Vitamin C infusion that I am now sitting through. I wrote about my first Vitamin C infusion in a previous blog and hope you will read it. I can report a definite increase in energy post infusion last time. This one, directly on the heels of chemo is hoped to help me at a low time on the trail this treatment takes me. A couple of friends have offered to drop over to assist me after I am home today and that is a relief. I am fighting nausea and will be spent after done with this infusion, shot and hopeful wig exchange. It had been a rather fun event to pick out a wig. In fact, truth is I couldn't decide between two and so I was allowed to take them both to decide at pleasure. Sadly, both were too large yesterday. Ed met me there and having some feedback made it extra fun. Lookin' like a solo run today, but I have a good idea of what I'm after.

I hope to figure out how to post pics on this blog. Bald head...wigged head...scarfed head....turbaned head....the many faces have I on the Life with Cancer track. 

I appreciate calls, posts, company, offers of help during this sometimes tricky chapter. The donate if you can help button on this blog site has been pressed and the donation is paying for next weeks Vitamin C infusion! Any contributions made will be used to pay the costs associated with getting well and they are quite high at a no income time. Thank you for considering such an act of kindness.

Thumb up!

Yesterday afternoon Patty offered and I accepted to be taken to the ER to have the thumb examined. It was the right thing to do and perhaps in the nick of time. It turns out sticking the thumb in peroxide the day before was a big error. It was immersed with the bandage on and ...when the doctor removed the gauze and bandage he immediately wondered about the skin on my thumb...in some places crinkled and in other places with blister. It burned from the peroxide. And word is: peroxide is no longer recommended for wound cleansing. To shorten a longer story, I left with fresh bandaging after elevating the thumb above my heart for a long while to get it to stop bleeding. A piece of surgical skin was placed directly on the open flesh, which caused 10 level of pain, but has left me secure it is on the mend. I need to replace the lose gauze wrap daily until the skin issue is resolved. On chemo, with my immune system weakened, there are strong concerns about avoiding infection.

With all of that said, I am feeling better today mentally. Tomorrow morning will be round 2 of chemo. Ed is taking me and bringing me home and providing care in the evening. I am hugely grateful. We will share a pasta dinner tonight and I am looking forward to the company and loving energy.

Before chemo, there are preparatory pills that are taken 12 hours prior to chemo and then again at 6 hours before chemo. That means getting up at 3 am to take the 5 pills a second time. I then prep in one more way, just before arriving. I spot the port site with a cream which numbs it and place plastic wrap over it within an hour of arriving for chemo.

I have just received a call from the Cancer Society and am excited...going to pick out a wig!

When tears are unavoidable...

Struggling with the fact I'm struggling. Crying and feeling bad about it. Okay, something needs to shift. I'm stuck over the finger mishap. Unsure what to do. I really just want someone to help me to rebandage it properly. I don't believe going to a medical facility will get me any further than an assistant here would. Because a small piece is missing, I cannot see how it could be stitched.

I feel blue in the house alone. I am accustomed to being alone, but somehow when I am not tip-top, I need interaction. And in this chapter, now with self-inflicted complications...ah well. It is mighty lonely in CNY in the winter. Although the snow itself is bright, the sun has been absent a long while and it is cold out. Sometimes frigid cold, sometimes bitter cold, sometimes just above freezing - again, cold. It is snowing again as I type. Sigh.

...the power of interacting with others

To make a longer story short, I am very grateful that my friend Barb invited me over to watch the SU vs. Georgetown game. The fact SU lost is another matter altogether. The point is: I got out of the house and interacted. I greatly enjoyed the company and conversation. My thumb was and is throbbing and I am now of the mindset I need to be seen by my doctor Monday.

Although I arrived with thumb hurting, bumped it, banged it with emotion, momentarily forgetting it's fragile state, while I was engaged in conversation, it bothered me less than it does now that I am home alone. And I have noted this phenomenon before. When a person is enjoying company, their ability to circumnavigate pain is enhanced.

I remain hugely grateful for the rich friendships in my life. Friends live near and far, many far. Telephone conversations provide similar benefits, but there seems to be nothing like the blending of spirits face-to-face. I know of many times during the past couple of months, since surgery, when I have been able to shuffle pain to the wayside, to where it is completely not registering, simply by being in good company, grateful in the moment for the same.

As I ready for bed, knowing that the knife cut made yesterday is truly adding to my bailiwick, I am scrambling to try to put together a way to socialize tomorrow. I know the thumb needs to be checked out and it is a weekend. I want to avoid the emergency room and wait to get into my doctor. I am concerned because my body is healing wounds much slower than normal due to depletion from chemo. The thumb is still weeping blood and I pray the doctor can dress it is a way that it is likely to heal. The injury means I am going to be unable to go to yoga Monday, a huge disappointment to me.

So...I want to speak with friends tomorrow and hopefully see someone. I want to do all I can to take my mind from the throbbing and enjoy the day of life. Monday I will be dealing with many undone tasks and also getting in to the doctor to address the thumb...because Tuesday is round two of chemo.

Friday night is ending...

Today has had some ups and downs. I wore the hand-knitted cap made of soft turquoise wool to bed last night. It remained on until I took a bath this afternoon. It is a sensation difficult to explain to be afraid to run my fingers through my hair knowing it will shed like my dog. It truly jolts me when it happens and I am wondering if I should just go get my head shaven, but that thought really doesn't sit well with me just yet. I say that believing there will come a time, and likely soon. After the shower I put a silk scarf on and tied it a couple of different ways til I was satisfied and now I have on a different hand-crocheted cap. 

I continue to have a decent amount of energy and to accomplish more and more sorting and purging in the house. I am creating order where I can. I am trying to be secure as I face my second round of chemo on Tuesday. I expect it to go well and to keep nausea at bay using the medications prescribed and what else I know to help. But this time, Hannah is not here. Her assistance when I needed to lay down and was thirsty (it is very important to drink a lot of water after chemo especially) or hungry was invaluable. I need to rest after chemo. I have been nervous about the aspect of being alone, but I have faith that it is going to work out. Maybe someone will be able to drop in and help me out. 

It is very difficult for me to ask for help. And yet my situation is forcing me to. Yet another challenge of the chapter of life with cancer.

Tonight as I go to bed, my left thumb is throbbing because I sliced a very small piece of it off with a very sharp knife earlier in the eve. After hours of various wraps, with help a bandage was put in place that held. It is further wrapped in gauze for the night. If it is open tomorrow, I may need to go get assistance. I was saying out loud, "really? I did not think I needed an additional health issue to provide further discomfort or challenge!" But, the cut and pain remain.

Today was a better attitude day, I took it relatively easy, had a great evening (but for my sliced thumb) complete with a great meal cooked for me! Today after a conversation with my dear cousin Dawn, this blog was made public and perhaps friends and family will follow my blerbs about my life during this amazingly different chapter. Tomorrow is on the horizon. I sign off tired and heading for bed.

The snow flies...as does my hair

Days have passed since I last wrote about the life adventure my daughter titled "Life with Cancer"...I had a wonderful, loving Valentine's Day evening and the next day with my dearest Ed. I cannot overstate the importance the nurturing I receive has in my overall outlook and in my general well-being. In the vein of loving people in my life, Lisa flew in from Silver Spring the morning Ed went home. She and I ate yummy organic foods she cooked, did yoga, meditated, began a Peter Max puzzle, vintage 1967, of a psychedelic prism kaleidoscope, talked and shared the joys of a rich friendship.

Here is is just 2 days later and I am having a meltdown of sorts. This morning my hair has begun to fall out...not just a strand of two. This was predicted, but nonetheless devastating. I have always liked my hair. I had grown in long until January 28, when I had it cut very short, as in a pixie cut. That was traumatic for me because my hair was warm and made up a large part of my identity. Warm...yeah, it matters. Turns out the pixie cut looked better than anticipated, inspiring many a complementary comment, but it left my head and ears quite cold in a quite cold climate. The reason for the cut: to make it so that when my hair fell out from the chemo, something I was told would definitely occur with the regiment I am on, it would be less dramatic for me. So...why am I struggling now? I was told about two weeks after the first chemo by my surgeon...and like she said, just two weeks and two days later it is coming out. I knew...and yet...when I saw so many hairs, albeit short ones, all over my pajamas this morning, I began to cry.

And for the first time in a long while, I also felt pitiful and angry. Why me? And why now! And why is money so tight that the cost of a wig tipped me over the scales as I thought about such options immediately? Indeed,  the financial aspect of getting in balance, becoming well, is causing me to stress, despite knowing that stressing is useless at best.

I continue to look for ways to alleviate the financial burdens I am under. I have bought lottery tickets, placed for sale personal items, and dwindled resources originally earmarked for another time in my life...later on. I have been grateful for having something to dwindle down, but as I see no sustainability on the path, I have begun to really wonder what will have to transpire to get me through this difficult time. I know once I am done with the treatment and successfully cancer-free, I will have to sell this home in Baldwinsville, New York. Once I have accomplished that, I will have the funds to make the next move in life. But for now, I need the house to live comfortably in while I get well.

An irritable day it has been as I have shed tears for the beginning of baldness at 54, for having to shovel myself out of a foot of snow plus the salted-plow-snow at the end of the driveway, for living in a place where the harshness of winter effects ones core being, for still living alone at a time I could really and truly use not to be, and for feeling weak.  Are these feelings normal? Probably. Should I go ahead and mourn the losses I am enduring...of hair, of monies, of some of my physical strength as I accept chemotherapy as the means to regain balance...somewhere down the line? I believe the healthy answer to this question is yes. I will go ahead and allow myself to feel my feelings. I continue to look for ways to get my needs met, while I seek the balance between being in the moment, knowing my priority is to become well, and looking ahead to the bills coming in the mail. At least I know the total amount I will pay with my share of cost with my insurance and for the Vitamin C infusions that have already shown me their positive power.

I intend to rest with gratitude in my heart that I am on the path I need to be on. Perhaps tomorrow's post will be more joyful. ...to be revealed...

Vitamin C Infusion #1

Ok. I'm embracing the idea of blogging! Iam at the Broad Rd. Hematology Oncology site in Syracuse, NY, being infused with Vitamin C from Australia. I am taking a path of integrative medicine, that is, a fusion of Western medicine and those elements that sensibly make a whole...a whole approach to a condition, in this case Ovarian Cancer, Stage IV. I am conscious of my breath,  my diet, my emotions, my spirit. 

Since the diagnosis sunk in, there have been moments along the way I felt pitiful, defeated...like what if this is it?...the end stage of this life. But those moments have not dominated the paradigm. I have chosen to believe in myself, to make informed choices, and to focus on gratitude daily. 

Just days after facing my cancer reality, a friend mentioned an open house at Hematology Oncology where I could learn about complementary cancer treatment. Another friend attended with me and I felt welcomed and as though what I was hearing, in personal conversations and from lecturers, was meant for my ears. The integrative model Dr. Puc (now my oncologist) spoke of is completely in line with the way in which I view health...and life. And it was during our integrative consult that Dr. Puc helped me to reframe my body with cancer as a body not in harmony...and that my road to harmony need not be a battle. So many, from respective places of kindness and good intentions, have spoke of me battling cancer, fighting hard, beating it. But I of all people, a well-trained mediator, know that taking an adversarial path leads to hard feelings, difficulties, winners and losers. So, as I blaze forward, eating nutritious foods that are non-processed and organic when warranted, exercising, visualizing, listening to my body, taking supplements, returning to yoga, learning to meditate...I am also using chemotherapy, pharmaceuticals I once shunned, and at this moment, enriching my body with Vitamin C infusions once weekly. 

I have learned the infusions will boost my body that chemo has busy destroying all fast-growing cells...and will help me greatly. The high-dose intravenous Vitamin C  has not been FDA approved and is not covered by any insurances at this time. There is limited empirical data about its efficacy, but not enough effort has gone into research at this time. Will there be enough of a profit margin for this to be a readily available at some point in the near future? Maybe. And maybe my writing about it will at least spread knowledge. I intend to report about the effects of the Vitamin C infusions.

Well, I just spoke with a dear friend who called me. One can talk, watch tv, listen to music, sip tea or juice, and blog while sitting in a comfy recliner chair getting infused. Such interesting times we live in. We communicate via Internet and share our lives with those with whom we do not share the conveniences of proximity. Or would it be better stated: we gain proximity via Internet? Whichever way you view it, if you're reading this, you are aware of more about what I am up to than you were!