It is noteworthy and unforgettable to me that a year ago today, I underwent my first chemo. It was a sunny day and I saw an eagle circling which I took to be an incredibly powerful good omen. Today, I marvel at how I shed the life with cancer identity so swiftly, such that I ever took it on. People who I speak with have no clue I had cancer, despite my short, curly hair, which I think to be a giveaway. I keep hearing I look great...I know I don't look sickly. And I'm not.
In fact, I am working with the public in my face each and every day I report to my part time job at the DMV. That I have the job is its own little tale of faith and manifesting. And I need to remind myself to keep it up. At this time, I fret over the weather. It is brutal. A winter to drive me outta here, for reals. I know in my heart of hearts that I do not want to stay in CNY. I won't get into the dilemmas that have torn at me. I searched my soul and heart and overcame fears of speaking in order to clarify things, and I learned the clues I had gathered were accurate. So, at this time, I am working at readying my home for sale, making lists of things I must do, and letting myself get excited at the thought of living in California again, where I feel like I belong.
I am interested in giving myself the best climate I can to live in, and since I have a home in CA, that is choice one of two. B'ville has it's pluses as far as CNY Villages go, but this winter cinches the fact that harsh weather is hurtful and adds many layers of difficulties that are actually hazardous to one's health.
The fact I am sitting here so cold must be partially responsible for my mentioning weather....and moving. But as I focus on the rest of my life, I want it to be as easy as it can. Being an unpartnered woman in the frozen tundra has brought me tears far too often. I have love in my life, mostly in the backdrop, which is significant and appreciated. But the day to day grind here is very harsh and going it alone wears me down.
I wonder how others who have successfully completed their treatment and are in remission, hoping that term turns into cured, do at making shifts in their lives, wanting to live life to the fullest and to make themselves their priorities. I am driven strongly to make my dreams come true. At the same time, I am dealing with a great many challenges, largely due to lack of monies necessary to handle it all. The move on the horizon, initially triggered by finances, will be full or hard work and it will be a test to my resolve that I expect to succeed at.
I have much more to say, but am tired and must retire. I work in the morning and may have to drive in treachery again. The local news has illuminated the fact that six CNYers have died of a flu. So much to use care about...
But I am cancer free, thus far. I had my port flushed and labwork drawn yesterday and will have my CA125 results in a few days. Until then, I shall do my best to stay warm and positive despite below zero temps and problems galore.
