It seems I am leaving the cancer identity behind, such that I ever truly took it on. I have all but forgotten about the blog. I know my last labs showed blood slowly making its way to normal and I feel blessed that I have only had herpes outbreaks on my face, but no infections throughout the journey.
Since my last post, much has happened. I did have a freakish bout of sharp pains in my abdomen in late July that were so unbearable and disconcerting that I went to the ER. After hours of waiting and tests and then a CT scan done prior to when it would have been, nothing pointed to why the pain that debilitated me for about 10 hours suddenly departed. The CT scan showed nothing, which is great news. I'll leave this topic aside...
I had my 55th birthday and it was truly a wonderful day that could not have gone much better than it did. I love thinking back on it because not all birthdays end up memorable or filled with love, but this one did. Ed must take full responsibility for how great it was, from the cake being exactly what I would have gotten myself, to him suggesting we take it to my mom's to have her share in the celebration...then a road trip to Lewiston to see Buddy Guy after an opening act I had never seen nor heard of, Robert Randolf and the Family Band, then crossing into Canada and checking into a motel nearby the strollpath to the falls. I thoroughly enjoyed walking with Ed along the path, under the Rainbow Bridge (scary for me with my thing about bridges), and further, with a rare passerby and the entire scene essentially to ourselves. The next day was wonderful too...ahh...I truly love thinking back to that trip...
The RV has varied problems that are proving difficult to take care of and there are times I feel very worn down about it. I hope that the list I just made doesn't continue to make my head spin in overwhelm, while I still have big projects on the house that must be done soon. I hope to be able to stain the deck soon...weather has been too wet to allow, and I have concerns about the solvents in the stain. Rather than make another to-do list here, let's just say that I feel like I have more to do than is possible and that although cancer has adjusted my perspective, I still get nervous and sometimes worried. I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I have some ideas, but am not sure the sequence in which they must occur. And then there is the whole business of where I am going to be living this fall and winter. Holidays alone are no longer gonna cut it for me. I have a drive to make life be more fulfilling...we shall see.
To that end, I have a part time job. I am a caregiver to a six year old autistic child 2-3 afternoons a week. She and I connected immediately and although she cannot be unattended at all, doesn't use hardly any words and uses diapers, I find the job mostly rewarding and one in which I learn. I am very tired afterwards, by and large. I end up walking a lot...to the park with the child, up and down flights of stairs at the house and then being on fully...well, it is these times, after work, that I recall I am not recovered from the chemo yet. Not fully myself...So, a job while trying to handle maintenance on the house, empty rooms (not my strength), add to the pile for the sale that I had best have very soon, deal with readying the rv for travel, and it is no wonder that I have been feeling not-so-balanced.
There is so much more to say...I feel keenly aware of what living healthily would look like and am close...but the uneasiness with the to-do list, the uncertainties of other important aspects of my life, and the fact time seems to be zipping by, have me concerned. I'm not tripping out, but am often up too late reading all I can on the internet, as I attempt to learn one of my least favorite ways about things I really have no experience with. I just halted writing this to skip over to the Toyota RV Motorhome forum to post an outreach to any Central New Yorker who may be willing to come teach me some of the stuff I need to know...which felt productive. I also need to reply to some clist folks who are seeking housing that sounds like mine.
So, yeah, life is fully going on. I seek balance. I am one day away from going to the dentist and getting my teeth cleaned and that is a very exciting sign I am nearly 3 months post chemo. Oh, did I mention that my hair is growing in nicely? Let me end this post and head to bed by sharing a true story:
Last week I was shopping at a local health food store. They were having samples and sales and I was in there longer than I had planned. A woman approached me and said, "I love your hair!" My immediate and sincere response was, "Oh, thank you! I do, too! It's grown long enough to be noticeable!" The stranger's face told me she did not know, as I had assumed, that I was a cancer patient, blah, blah, blah. Upon realizing this, I explained my having completed chemo and the fact that the heat of summer had me ditch the wig a while ago and how I realized the joy of having such short hair in the summertime of CNY. The woman immediately asked if I was ok, and I was happy to elaborate on that, too. She concluded our interaction by telling me how she sincerely had no idea it wasn't cut the way it was purposefully and how good it looks. Wow! It was a make-my-day kind of interaction, for sure.
